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Question
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/21

divorce is not a solution!

hi there

i've notice that a lot of us recommend divorce as n solution to a troubled marraige and in some cases it might be. however i think people only see part of the picture

yes, being divorced means you have no more or atleast less fights and abuse, yes, you are in control of your own life and have a freedom to do what you want when you want

however, you also have 2x as much responsibility, not only financially but also meeting everyones emotional needs, you can't blame any one if things goes wrong and the worse part is that once you forgot the pain and fear you get lonely ! suddenly remembering all the cosy times and the niceness of having someone special in your life....

i know it's hard to deal with a problem marraige and divorce seems like a easier way but don't be fooled it has it's own set of problems and stresses

you have to do everything you can to save the marriage cause there will be times you doubt your the road you took - pls make 100% sure! separate for along period if need be but n divorce is very final.

personally the fact that i still have to deal with my ex due to the kids is a good reminder why i left - it was the right and best thing to do and i'll do it again if placed in the same circumstances

take care and get help rather that run away

nina

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear ln,
Good advice, as usual. In a way, it's a pity it isn't a bit harder to get married ( or to enter into serious relaionships ) as people often seem to slide into them, before they've had the time to get to know each other well enough, not only in the good tmes, but enduring some of the lumps and bumps of life, so as to be sure that they can be in like as well as in love. To me it seems an issue is both , as you say, the need to do all one can to save a marriage --- but also the sad fact that a marriage can hardly be saved entirely by the efforts of one partner ( short of total surrender to the other ), so often a critical factor in deciding how long to persist in trying to save it, may be the willingness of he other partner to sincerely work, through marriage counselling or just hard joint work together, towards finding a solution. When the other person can't be bothered to try to salage the relattonship, then in a very real sense, it's no longer a relationship.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/21

How right you are, Lady Nina!
In extreme cases, divorce is really the only way out.
Then there are cases in which we consider divorce far too casually.

Divorces, as I understand it, are executed to
(a) end obvious incompatibility and hence put an end to inevitable ongoing suffering, or
(b) because of irreparably broken down trusts caused by an offending spouse and an unforgiving partner.
Both scenarios could lend itself to inadequate consideration of the resulting long term implications and extreme hardships which could follow.

But by which book of rules do we distinguish when it is reasonable or not to get divorced?
I and my wife have both made mistakes in the past and have learnt from them. How grateful we are for the sanity which prevailed through the darkest of times.

Neither of us ever advocates divorce as a solution to scenario (b) unless of course the reasons are grossly criminal.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/21

How right you are, Lady Nina!

In extreme cases, divorce is really the only way out.
Then there are cases in which we consider divorce far too casually.
Divorces, as I understand it, are executed to
(a) end obvious incompatibility and hence put an end to inevitable ongoing suffering, or
(b) because of irreparably broken down trusts caused by an offending spouse and an unforgiving partner.
Both scenarios could lend itself to inadequate consideration of the resulting long term implications and extreme hardships which could follow.
But by which book of rules do we distinguish when it is reasonable or not to get divorced?
I and my wife have both made mistakes in the past and have learnt from them. How grateful we are for the sanity which prevailed through the darkest of times.
Neither of us ever advocates divorce as a solution to
scenario (b) unless of course the reasons are grossly criminal.


Reply to Spooky

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