Posted by: gatvol | 2006/11/11

divorce + husbands mid life crises

I'm 38, married for 16 years and up until 3 yrs ago thought I knew my husband. He started showing all the tell tale signs of an affair with a colleague continually phoning him after hours, sudden interest in altering appearance and wanting a better vehicle, house etc. I confronted him on several occassions especially when working late and weekends became an issue while I became like a "single mom". Well 2 years ago he gave our eldest son his old cellphone and forgot to delete all the incriminating sms's to the woman I had suspected. He had also lent her money without advising me and then lied about it and denied there was anything going on. We have been to counselling and he still feels that as there was no sex between him and the colleague there was no affair.I still cannot trust him as he has lied so much in recent months about things, that I don't know how to build a relationship again. Our sex life is non existant now as I don't want a relationship with a person who is totally non communicative about issues which are important to us as a family. I confront issues head on and if I try to talk to him he just keeps quiet and I end up losing my temper and losing it with him.He started his own business about 2 years ago (he took voluntary retrenchment)and after living off our bondand the retrenchment money to try and get it going I gave an ultimatum to get a job or find more clients as we are heading for bankcrupcy. I work and unfortunately cannot earn enough to cover our overheads. I also recently found while he is "busy working" he has been visiting porn sites and online dating services. He tells me its because he's a man and because he doesnt get sex at home I should be grateful he's only going online not looking for the real thing. My eldest son nearly discovered his computer porn when doing a school project. I have spoken to him about a divorce and in my mind think its probably the only option left although I guess at the back of my mind I'm wanting to find the man I originally married and also to save the kids from going through a divorce. Both my sons are very sensitive children who have a wonderful relationship with their dad and I'm really scared how it will affect them. I honestly believe trust is earned and I don't know how I'll ever trust him again.Please help

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Our expert says:
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Not unusual for a man to ignore emotional infidelity, and insist that so long as there was no physical sex, he doesn't see why you'd be so upset --- but of course, if he truly believed that there was nothing about this relationship to upset you, he'd have told you all about it at the time --- people only hide what they think is disreputable. Counselling would be considered a good idea, but it doesn't sound as though the last counsellor managed to achieve much of lasting value. Mabe some sessions for yourself, to outline and weight your options, as to what is better for you and the children, would be useful ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2006/11/11

Jennifer do you live in Pretoria?

Reply to anon
Posted by: jennifer | 2006/11/11

I've recently split up the guy that was in my life. Whether they had sex or not, he obviously wanted to spend more time with her covering it with the fact that he had to "work" late and also weekends. Visiting porn sites & online dating services in supposedly to be work, he is most problably seeking greener grass across the fence. It is up for you to decide whether you want to be in a marriage where there is no trust or rather divorce and start to rebuild your life without him.

For me it was the finding out of his relationship he had with a girl. In the last 2 months he went to Cape Town on 3 occassions, and each occassion lasted a week. This girl came back with him last weekend when he returned from Cape Town. His reason for going to Cape Town was "work". I've found out that she is now pregnant with his child (+-7weeks pregnant). They 2 of them had now bought a flat together. In the last 4 months of relationship he was starting to get aggressive and he changed completely. I told him that I could not trust him anymore and that I know that he wants to spend all his time with this girl now. Since she is expecting his baby.

In the end it is you that have to make the decision.

Reply to jennifer

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