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Question
Posted by: SbN | 2006/07/21

Divorce?

I have a 7 month old baby. I've been married for 4 years. We tried desperately to have this child. My problem is that my hubby doesnt seem to care for us. He would never just give me or the baby a hug. I should tell him to kiss the baby hello or bye. I must always ask him to change the nappy, to do this, do that...He would rather sit in front of the tv than play with our baby. We had a huge argument this evening. I've had enough of his behaviour and asked him why he doesnt care for us. His answer is that if I dont ask him to do it he will out of his own. I love this man dearly but wont stand to someday see the hurt in my baby's eyes if his father would rather watch tv than play with him! Should I leave this man for good? (get a divorce)? Or should I go stay with my mother and fater for a while until he misses us? Please help me! My heart is breaking!

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Our expert says:
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Do see a marriage counsellor together. You love each other, and you love your child, but are out of synch, at present, in how to show that caring and love. As M wisely points out, many men have signuificant difficulty in showing affection, and this is partly broad socialization and partly that many were not themselves shown much affection when they were younger. His father's suicide when he was young will have afected him, of course. and maybe he is trying to find a way to do the affectionate things spontaneously, in his own way --- and if you rush in and tell him to do things ( even if this is an understandable reaction on your part ), it makes it harder for him to learn to do so spontaneously. Going away at this time is unlikely to help --- counselling is likely to help

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Our users say:
Posted by: M | 2006/07/21

SbN, I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I'm sure his father's suicide has affected him. Perhaps since the baby has been born it has brought back memories of his childhood and his dad's death. Perhaps he has unresolved grief here, as he was only 12 years old. Another thing, men do not appreciate nagging, not that I am saying you are nagging....one has to communicate in a calm way to get your message across and not intimate each other by accusations, etc. Ask him if something is worrying him, some men find it difficult to open up or admit to whats bothering them. He might be denial. Think counselling would definitely benefit both of you. If you feel the way to go is visiting your parents for a few days, follow your intuition or gut instinct here. The question here should be why would you want him to miss or need you. You should ask the question where is his behaviour coming from. What has changed. Why has it changed and communicate. By going away may or may not give you the desired effect you might expect.

Reply to M
Posted by: SbN | 2006/07/21

Thx for the comment M. He wasnt like this before baby was born, we shared everything. We has a wonderful marriage. His dad commited suicide when husband was 12 years old though. Could it be that husband just dont know how to deal with baby? If this is the reason then why did he say: "If you stop telling me to kiss baby hello/goodbye or stop telling me to play with baby ect... I will do it out of my own accord!" Shouldn't I rather go stay with my parents for a few days? Let him realise that he misses and needs us? Or dont miss/need us?

Reply to SbN
Posted by: M | 2006/07/21



Sometimes its difficult for men to show affection, especially if they never received much openly as children. Was he like this before the baby was born. Did he include you in everything he did. Perhaps he feels you are so busy with baby, he has had a difficult day and wants to chill out. You have to make time to be romantic together and communicate your feelings, what you expect from him, if he has changed, tell him.

Having a baby is not all like a fairy tale happy ever after for any couple. In fact adding children in the mix makes it more difficult if ones marriage or relationship is not good to begin with.

Personally don't think anyone should rush into a divorce. Always begin with salvaging what you have/had. You did love him and obviously he did love you at some stage, you can get back to it, if you work on it. You expect a lot more from him than he is giving you. Your needs are not being met and how you expected the father of your child to behave. Tell him HOW you want him involved in your childs life, after all he is the father.

Don't forget to take time out for yourself, if you can.

Counselling would be the way to go, first go on your own, then ask him if he would accompany you. Take it from there.

Good Luck!

Reply to M

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