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Question
Posted by: Mark | 2004/01/21

Divorce ??

I have been married to my wife for seven years. She is divorced and has two boys (10,14) from her previous marriage. We have a daughter of 5. Her ex-husband, still single since the divorce, lives out of country. He however visits SA for a two month period over Christmas as he has interests and owns a home in SA.

During this time we allow the two boys, who live with us, to go and stay with their father at their request. During these times my non-working wife spends days on end at her ex-husband's house together with our daughter, basking at his pool. She comes home late and I can seldom reach her on her phone during the day. To her this seems fine and what she is doing, spending lots of time with her ex-husband, seems just fine to her. I love my wife and family very, very much and do not agree with her spending so much time with her ex-husband. On a previous occasion, previous Christmas, she actually left me to be re-united with him. Fortunately through counseling and our religous beliefs we salvaged it. This year, the spate of affairs which led to the previous desertion, has continued. Many a time I do not know where she is and my daughter returns home reeking of my wifes' ex husband's perfume. There is definately a problem in our relationship. I do not want to loose her or our daughter but feel we are heading down that path.

I miss the fun, love and affection that has now left our home. I have showered her with love and affection, and still do.

I see myself selling it all and loosing my daughter.

When does one put your foot down or take a firm stance? There are many issues at stake here. I do not see a proper reconcilliation and if that does come about I will be in the same boat next year.

Have tried my hardest....do I draw the line?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Mark,
Divorce must always be an individual and personal decision, preferably after making strenuous efforts, such as via marriage counselling, to put things right. And maybe further counselling is needed, as the main problem is continuing. At the very least she is being outrageously inconsiderate of your feelings, and ruining her skin by all that basking in the sun --- and with a man who reeks of perfume ? And at the worst maybe she is being unfaithful, at least in her heart if not physically. And you shouldn't, even at the worst, lose your daighter, to whom she can have no possible claim. As I see it, either you make the decision that enough is enough, and give an ultimatum that she has to stop this major contact with her Ex and let him truly be an Ex, and devote herself, with counselling if necessary, to a serious committment to this marriage, or you would move to separation and eventual divorce ; or you try the counselling route once more, though it doesn't sound as if she's very commited to getting things right. At present, she seems to be expecting to get the best of both worlds.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/22

hi there

yup it seems like your marraige is over - what a terrible time for you - know your are second best...

why don't you call the shots and move out - tell her you will not allow her to use you any longer and will be seeing a lawyer next month rearding your rights

accept the fact that you have done your best but it was not good enought because she still loves her ex -

release her in your heart and mind that way you can carry on with your life

you got a raw deal but are still young and im sure out there is a wonderfull lady who will appreciate you and accept your child..

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Mark | 2004/01/21

Nina, from a legal point of view it would not be wise to re-unite immediately but I am sure there is a calling. She however denies this.

To me it is academic as our marriage seems on the rocks in any event...

Reply to Mark
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/21

hi there

you just helped me to clear something up in my own life
i thought that only once i meet someone new and it's "the real thing" would i be emotionally independant from my ex
your story is proving that this in not the case, it's something that has to happen from the inside not depending upon n 3rd party - thx for helping me see the light!!!!!!

i have no advice for you, i'm sorry!
does she want to reunite with him?

take care
nina




Reply to lady nina

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