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Question
Posted by: Smith | 2006/10/24

Distance over holidays

Hi doc

I am scared for this coming christmas holidays... I am a university student and met someone recently. We are both crazy about each other and love each other very much.
I am scared that things will not be the same when we return after the 2 months vac. What can I do during the vac to avoid this?
Please!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Don't catastrophize or make things worse than they need to be. If you bopth actually do care about each other, you can each go home, have a good break, and return to uni and the relationship afterwards. If things are not the same, maybe they're not meant to be the same. Don't be too possessive, but arange to call each other OCCASIONALLY ( not obsessively ) and keep mild contact. A true relationship doesn't need incessant contact.
And your later comment explains a lot --- you feel you don't deserve such a good elationship, and are thus somewhat expecting it to end. Be wary of creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Take it easy and things are likely to work out

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Our users say:
Posted by: Smith | 2006/10/25

Thanks Cybershrink!

Reply to Smith
Posted by: Smith | 2006/10/25

Wow, that helped a lot. Thank you so so much. Wow again - Rhodes it is, but 2006 and people are more or less the same, but this guy will never cheat, i know that.
The thing is that I have been so unlucky in terms of relationships all my life that i still cant believe that after all this, i have found someone. Yes, it feels too good to be true.

I dont want to lose him. I really dont. He is my everything and i am just really scared that things will cool down.

Reply to Smith
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/24

Where does this fear stem from? What reason does a young, carefree varsity student have to fear a change in a new relationship? You will have to examine your reasons before you can hope to make any sense of this.

Are u in the habit of cheating on ppl you date? Then you have told your inner being that unfaithfulness is always an option. Hence your fears about what someone else might do to you.

Has someone already cheated on you in the past? Then this action sent you the message that ppl you date might be unfaithful to you if they feel like it.

Is there a generally casual approach to dating on your campus? (there certainly was at Rhodes in 1992 and I doubt much has changed!!) In other words is it a given that no one really stays faithful to their main squeeze during vacs? Is there an 'outta sight outta mind' approach to dating on campus? Then this explains your fears.

Or have you seen this person already flirting with others, or others flirting with him/her? Have u witnessed anything that has unsettled you?

Perhaps it is juts a case of being so crazy about this person. You seem to still be in a giddy state over this person, almost a sense of you don't believe your luck. By which token, you are afraid the bubble will burst. A classic case of too good to be true.

My advice is to have some faith in your person. Its fine to call and sms them during the vac but do not become territorial over them just because you can't see them. To call and text them 10 times a day is not going to weigh in your favour. To try and find out from ppl who live near your squeeze, what he/she is up to, is not going to weigh in your favour. You wouldn’t want your squeeze to go all CIO on you; neither shd you do it to them. Call and text periodically yes but stay away from so called hectic behaviour.

And watch your OWN behaviour during the vac too.

Sometimes while we are looking out for someone to cheat, we suddenly cheat ourselves. Its almost as if concentrating on the subject of cheating drove us there.

Tell your person on the last day of term that you will miss them and can't wait to see them after the vac. Then part company believing they will miss you a lot too and believing they will not cheat during the break. Believe they will NOT cheat. Not believe they will.

Should it emerge they did cheat then you know what, life goes on. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. If it turns out they cheated, they were not worthy of you and the great thing is that you will have found out before things got even deeper. If they cheat, just remind yourself you are at varsity to get an education, not to be perpetually punked by attractive ppl who don't have your best interests at heart.

That said, trust your girl/boyfriend. They have done nothing to warrant your suspicions. It is better to highlight someone’s good points than to concentrate on what their bad points might be; especially if they haven't even give you reason to paint them with a tar brush.

And remember to examine your reasons for your fears. Doing so might help you make more sense of just why you feel a bit panicky

all the best

Reply to Foxybrown

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