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Question
Posted by: mesh | 2005/06/10

disrespectful foster teen

I need some advice. I am a single woman who took in a thirteen year old foster son 7 months ago, and lately he has become VERY defiant and disrespectful towards me- to a magnitide I never expected. He uses bad words when angry with me (when he clearly knows I do not speak that way and do not tolerate it), calls me bad names, has horrible temper tnatrums (has brolen a few things) and has told me that if someone wanted to shoot me he wouldn't care if they did. He said he would laugh if they shot me and I died. I asked him how he could say such a horrible tihng and he said it was because I am not his mother. I told him he is not my son, but god knows I would never want anything bad to happen to him. I odn't get how he can be so mean to me. I never yell at him or call him names. I try to remain patient with him and talk things through, but that does not seem to be working. His outbursts usually occur from me telling him to do homework or he can't wathc t.v -this because he has two faiils in English and a D in two other classes, but he doesn't want rules. He defies them. And he tells me he doesn't care about school and I can't make him. He wants me to leave him alone to fail and do what ever he pleases, but I know I cna't do that as a foster parent. His parents died in a fire three years ago and I think some of this might be stemming from that, but still I have to get control of the situation. He can't be acitng htis way. I'm afraid of what he might do ot me. His therapist recoommends I tlak to his social worker, but she is out of town for another week.. Any advice? Help!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTeen expert

Hi there,

I think that your foster son is venting his rage about the loss of his parents and because you are the closest person to him that you are on the receiving end. During the teenage years boys in particular experience a major increase in aggressive urges and are prone to anger outbursts. However, this does not mean that what is happening is okay.

I strongly recommend that you speak with his therapist about the possibility of a joint session for you and your foster son to discuss the problems. However, if this is not possible, and the social worker is out of town then I suggest you contact a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist - especially if you are fearing for your safety. He needs to know that you are taking what he says seriously, and he needs help in understanding where his rage is coming from.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: zcnj1cp@google.com | 2006/08/05

funny ringtones

Reply to zcnj1cp@google.com
Posted by: Fostery | 2005/06/19

GOOD FOR YOU FOR FOSTERING THIS CHILD!!!!!!!! It takes a special person to foster a child, and an even better person to foster a disobedient child. Maybe your foster son should go to another phycologist- he might be able to talk to a stranger. He is probably angry at the world and thinks, "the world wasn't nice to me, so I'm not going to be nice to the world" and that blinds him. Talking to your social worker might make things worse, as he might think that you don't want him anymore and he might act out even more. Him saying he doesn't care in just an act- he probably cares more than he'll let on. Patience and GOD will help you get through this.

Reply to Fostery
Posted by: mesh | 2005/06/11

Thanks for your advice all of you :-). Yes, I do beleive all the anger is a result of the parents being killed in a fire, and i know too, that his mom and dad were involved in a lot of physical fighting (and probably used bad language too) when they were alive. I guess when you live with violence you learn to be violoent. I just hope its not too late to undo what all he has been through..that is where I worry. He tells me that when his parents died he stopped having feelings towards others (good ones). .I called a psyhciatrist to schedule an appointment, and yes, i will suggest to his therapist , too, that he and i have a joint session. Maybe that will help resolve some of the problems ...thanks again

Reply to mesh
Posted by: Mohamed | 2005/06/10

wow.

you are tuely amazing.do you have any idea how mcuh blessing there is in adopting a child???you get so much blessing in everything that you do....im really proud of you.
you certainly dont deserve his behaviour......try to find the root of it...and try to treat it.....but dont let him have tha upper hand....im worried about your safety too..plz be carefull.

Reply to Mohamed
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/06/10

hi there

you are a very brave and wonderful woman, i would just give him back to who ever gave him to me.... but you being the kind of person you are, would probably not see that as an option

i would not let any child abuse me as a parent and that is where you should draw the line, getting profesional help would beyour only option and provide him with the tools he needs to deal with all his emotiona and problems, while providing the tools and opportunity for him to be help i would not tolerate his rudeness and disrespectfulness, i don't really know how you can put a stop to it, with out maybe going to the police or some kind of authority... maybe take all his priveledges away from him, friends,parties, outings, , with this you will have to get real help - but i would not have any kid abuse me

i admire you are will keep you in my thoughts

nina

Reply to lady nina

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