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Question
Posted by: fossy | 2005/07/16

discovering myself again

Lately my fiancee has been away 3 days a week for training. In this time I felt like I have been getting to know myself again. Realizing that most of the time I have always been trying to be what he wants. Always worried about him gettin mad. Always feeling like Im not wearing the right thing or looking good enough for him. I feel like I am able to be myself and hated myself for getting to this point but trying hard to get back to feeling good about just being me. I want to be able to keep this state of mind for when he is around again all the time. I am so easly manipulated. I am a people pleaser. How can I stay in this state of mind? I loved living by myself and felt best about myself then. I really want to try to be in a relationship but still feel strong and be me. Not let is insults and demands bring me down. I am a sensitve person and he of course is the exact opposite.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Interesting observations, fossy. Sometimes a person throws themselves so intenely into a relationship, and gets so tied up in trying to become whatever they think the other operson wants, that they lose sight of who they themselves actually are, and a short separation may indeed help you to rediscover yourself. well done.
And it sounds as if your discoveries require a re-evaluation of the relationship itself. A counsellor could help you to complete this task more efficiently, and to work on how to remain your true self, in this or any other relationship, and to learn to be less easily manipulated.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/16

Fossy = For years I was just like you, trying to please and getting kicked in the ass because I was a nice guy.

Now I'm not telling you to not care anymore, but if you learn to say NO once you will find that the world does not crumble beneath your feet. If you learn to say NO a few times you will start to see peoples behaviour towards you change. If you keep saying NO you will find people starting to emulate what you mirror and relationships will improve as they become more receptive to the new you.

NO =

"Why don't you take care of it yourself"
" When you start treating me with more respect maybe I will consider doing those things you tell me"
"When you start helping me around the house a little more maybe I will ....."
"I will look good for myself and no one else, if you don't like the way I look why not concentrate a little more about what goes on inside"
"If you cannot accept me like this then theres the door, hit the road"

It's amazing to see their faces when you throw a challenge like that at you, they wonder should or shouldn't I throw my toys out of the cot, walk out of the door or or ..... Then they realise that they are being unreasonable and thats when the relationship starts to improve from there.

You will always run the risk of losing someone special but hey there are lots of special people out there. Better to lose this special person now and keep saying NO in the future than end up being committed to one and for a lifetime being treated like a doormat. It's your choice, how much do you value YOU ?

The proof of the pudding is how long and how persistant you can be by using the word "NO"

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