Our expert says:
Hello again MIke,
Of course we remember you. I understand your wish to make sure that the daughters manage to be fulfilled and happy in life. And as you realize, we may be able to facilitate that at times, but none of us can guarantee it. So much remains up to the individual, and to the many other forces at play within their lives. And many of us, too, find it functional to bury ourselves in our work, as we more gradually find our way out of grief.
Odd, isn't it, how when we have lost a partner, everyone else out there seems to be paired up, as if we are the only singleton on earth. And when we are in a happy pairing, we fail to notice the many singles out there not yet paired or happy. It's a matter of perspective, not of numbers. And of course we grow cautious about the risks of love, and for a time may prefer to forego the pleasured of love, to avoid the pain of loss of it. Eventually we realize that to constantly avoid it, it to permanently lose it, rather than to at least occasionally enjoy it.
Time is mysterious in such circumstances. It's as if there's some curious inner metabolism working away, that prevents us from reaching an easy peace early on, but at around a year, generally things start to ease, often without our ever recognizing why.
Do check out if you can find a copy, the short but brilliant book "A Grief Observed", by CS Lewis, in which he brilliantly described, to himself, the progress and resolution of his own grief, after the death of his wife.
I understand your feelings of wishing vengeance for the barely human filth who so harmed her. Sadly, the SA "justice" system still seems, between its legendarynegligence, to be devoted to the care of perpetrators rather than victims, and nobody in Government seems to have any genuine wish to see it otherwise. Maybe rather than individual longings for vengeance or vendettas, there ought to be the development of a more widespread Victims Rights movement to push the government into actually reading the constitution's fine but essentially empty words, and puting them into practice and fulfilling their duty to protect the innocent and vulnerable, instead of the greedy and strong. And as DG wisely says, the rapist has already been sentenced to something very horrible indeed, a life sentence to being his loathsome self.
We will continue to hope for the best for her children. Please convey our congratulations to Jayde for her remarkable achievements in matric.
As DG says so eloquently, your duty now is to find a happier and more fulfilled life for yourself, both because in your own right you deserve it, and because it is beyond doubt what she would have wanted for you.
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