Posted by: Ruth | 2008/09/18


Dear Doc,
please help me to understand my current situation. when i met my partner 5yrs ago he was an amazing person all round, we have had difficult years together. we share a child now and we live together. For me i still love him enough. when we met back then i' d say approx 2 years the sex was passionate &  loving and he was a real gent. i am very reserved &  not very open minded, he on the other hand is very open minded as i discovered. he likes porn, i let him be, it affects me but not too much. over the last year &  a half i have come to realise which concerns me deeply is that somehow we don' t seem to make " love"  anymore. it just feels more like sex becuse there is the factor of ' dirty talk, toys &  fantasies. the intimacy is very weak. i allowed for porn &  all the other stuff to become apart of our relationship because it pleases him, i am still learning to adjust and get used to these new sexual experiences. my concern is: when we intimate his ' dirty talks'  centre around me with other guys. now i am wondering ' is he still attaracted to me or are his fantasies allowing him to want me. he spend alot of time on the net watching porn, can i trust him? has he lost interest in me &  is the only things that is keeping him wanting me is his other interest? does love have anything to do with this? maybe i am too narrow minded to see differently. Should I be worried or is all of this all right to accept? what i am saying is i don' t need anything but my love for him to desire him. to me it feels like the toys, dirty talking &  fantasies excite him.
how do i deal with this and should i have any concerns. i love him very much, i don' t want to loose him, i just want to understand this better, can i make a go of this? please doc your opinion will be much appreciated.

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Our expert says:
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You are not alone in your experience, I work with women complaining of similar circumstances. Some men that I work with also have concerns about the impact that porn has on the way in which they begin to look at women. I think it is indeed of concern that he is spending a lot of time on the net watching porn. There is some evidence that suggests that watching porn changes the 'arousal map' in the brain; this means that what turns him on changes and he may need more of this to get excited (a lot like an addict). Sex on the internet is also not loving, and so it may be that he forgets that part of himself for the sake of the physical thrill. I would encourage you to talk about this with him, it's not necessarily anything to do with his feelings for you. However, it may also be that he felt that sex could only ever be 'lovemaking' with you if you felt uncomfortable to 'play' or explore the fun side of sex (it doesn't all have to be lovemaking, but does help if in a loving relationship) - you need to check with him what he thought happened and how he understands the changes in himself. It may be that you needed to accomodate him a little too...

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