Posted by: Mr Seimen | 2008/09/23

Difference of opinion

My wife found out that I masturbate the other day, &  that I like porn. She was totally disgusted with me &  actually wanted a divorce because I was cheating on her with myself. Now I know as a christian just thinking of being with another woman is a sin, but what if I' m doing it thinking of her. For those who want to know. We do have mind blowing sex but not so often (1nce every 3 weeks). We have a hecktik life as we both work with three small kids no maid &  only get home late in the evenings. So by 8 oclock when the kids do finaly sleep we then have to see to the house work &  by 10 we are so exhausted that even if I do want sex as soon as she or I hit the bed we pass out almost instantly.
What I want to know is is it really that wrong for me to masturbate. It' s not an addiction as I do it maybe 1nce every 2 weeks.

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Our expert says:
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You need to check out with your wife whether it is the fact that you masturbate, or that you do it to porn that is the issue. Masturbating to porn clearly is not thinking of her... Masturbation is frequently used as a way to relieve sexual tension, and many women find it an acceptable way to compensate for a miss-match in desire.

When it comes to discussing the differences in sexual needs (which is VERY common) I always encourage both partners to be willing to understand what it is like for the other partner and then come to some middle ground / a negotiated compromise. It seems unreasonable that she should expect you to operate like her - perhaps try to explain to her in non-sexual terms (e.g. If I say to you when you are thirsty/hungry that I can do without a cup of tea/chocolate cake/whatever therefore so should you, how would you feel? Sexual hunger is similar). This is not to say that you should always get your way either, but I imagine it would do the relationship some good if there were some element of flexibility.

If her concerns relate mostly to the principle of masturbation, then I suggest you engage her in conversation around her reasons for this (including religious reasons, as many faiths allow for masturbation as a means to avoid conflict or infidelity).

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Our users say:
Posted by: Hmm... | 2008/10/27

I' m a female of 22 and i just discovered why i HATE porn. When i was 11/12, my mother got married. I' d grown up with a single mom and sister and never had a father/dad in the house. My mother and her husband(now divorced) would have sex, oral sex all over the house, with the bedroom door open too. I saw and watched them a number of times doing things that no 12 year old should see. I' d come out of the bath in the evenings and there they would be... So, when i really thought about it, i realised that why i didn' t like it was because i didn' t think it was right to see people having sex, because of what i had been through. And even now, i really don' t want to see it. My boyfriend tried to show me some the other night and i got VERY angry. He also tells me when he has watched &  played with himself. Sometimes i don' t know whether this is good or bad. I' d like to be ok with it, i really would. Because you CANNOT fight the porn industry and you CANNOT force your male partner to stop. It' s his body and if porn, especially if what we call " normal"  porn, not child porn or beastiality or abusive stuff, is what gets him going and he does it in his own time, there should be nothing wrong with it. We have an awesome sex life. Sometimes up to 6 times a week and he never leaves me unsatisfied. I understand too that he is so attentive in bed because of all the tricks he' s learnt from porn. So when i think about it there are many pro' s and con' s. I will admit that it does hurt me, that he watches other woman bonking, but i think majority of women feel this way. Because we are thinkers rather than physical beings like men. It' s the romantic part that we like. Also what puts me off, is that it does turn me on... it' s sex, how can it not? So the last option for me is to actually watch one myself. Maybe jump on the porn train and get over it! And accept that a man is a dirty animal and he will do what he will do :)

Reply to Hmm...
Posted by: ja | 2008/09/25

Christianity and porn dont mix and as for your situation... well i' m in exactly the same boat. Masturbation thinking about her should be ok and maybe its a good thing that she knows about it. maybe now she will realize that you also have needs and maybe its time she gets her hormones in gear which will produce a higher libido.
once in three weeks?!?!!?
i complained about once a week! and was prepared to leave and rather have nothing at all.

Reply to ja
Posted by: Anon | 2008/09/23

I am female. I' m not married but going out with my b/f for 5years.......i don' t see the problem of loving porn or masturbating........sometimes i watch porn with him and sometimes he watch byhimself i think it' s better than cheating and if i get married I' m still not gonna have a problem with it. I think your wife is overreacting.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: ? | 2008/09/23

In my opinion, judging from what you' s okay. I don' t think you should feel so bad. I don' t know why but a lot of women, including myself don' t really like it when our men watch porn. I know I feel a bit cheated by it, because of the idea that you get turned on when watching another women naked and fantasising being with her, and not us. But it' s not enough reason to want a divorce.

Reply to ?

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