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Question
Posted by: Delene | 2006/07/28

Did something awful last night.......

CS, Last night I did something that I said to myself I will NEVER do. But hell, i did it without thinking. That was the problem. I did not THINK!!!!
My kids go to their dad every third w/end.
They were there for about a week in the school holidays, And he brought them back the 13th, a thursday.
That weekend they were with me, and last w/end they were with me. SO this comming w/end, to me, is HIS w/end.
Obviously for the kids too, as yesterday morning my eldest started to pack her stuff for going to her dad.
Last night I phoned him, to know what time he will pick them up (its never the same time). Where he then tells me its NOT his w/end, he aint taking them.
I tried explaining to him why i think it is, and that the kids also are under the impression its his w/end, but he kept saying it not.
I then asked him if he will please be willing to take them this w/end, even though then its not his w/end, because we will have visitors their & the house will be too full.
I then heard his wife in the background....screaming "NOOOO"

he then said to me, that his wife does not want..........

At that point my daughter came in the room. When i hung up, I informed her that they will not begoing to their dad for the w/end. She asked me why
and I said, cuz your stepmother does not want you there!!!
I also added to her that is the reason why they only go every thrd & not every second w/end, because the stepmother said so.

The kids said to me "we can go somewhere else mommy?"
ANd i realized then what ive done!!!!!!!!!!!! they think I dont want them there, and now feel unwanted at their dad's house!!!
I did what i said i will never do, badmouthing the stepmother and the father!!!

I feel so sad & guilty today, because although I told them that i want them to stay with me & we are going to have a nice w/end, I am sure the damage were done.

DO you think this will have an impact on their lives? I feel so horrible today. I regret getting angry and showing it so much.

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Our expert says:
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OK, an unfortunate turn of events, but not irremediable. Have a chat with the kids, and listen more to what they say and feel, without jumping in too early with explanations. I doubt that this will have any long-term impact on their lives --- indeed if you beat yourself up too much about it, that's more likely to be a problem for them. And with the Ex, maybe you two need to sit down briefly with a calendar, and sketch out which weekends he will have them through the rest of the year, and stick with that plan unless reasonable events change enough to suggest a negotiated change in the schedule ; rather than relying on memory. It may not be that his new wife strongly wishes not to have the kids, but maybe they forgot about the schedule and made other plans that couldn't readiloy involve the kids and would be hard to change. And meanwhile, forgive yourself for being human

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2006/07/28

Your ex should have straightened all this out before they got married. He has children with you she is just going to have to accept this and make the best of it and do it sincerely, cause it's going to effect everyone. He is going to want to spend time with his children. The fact that he only sees his children every 3 weeks doesn't sound good at all and it sounds like all her doing. Just be careful that this routine doesn't change like moving to every 4 weeks and eventually once in a while. Your ex also has a say in all this but seems to let the new wife control everything big mistake he could end up damaging his relationship with them and in the end loosing them.

Your kids definately need to be told how much you love them and to spend alot of quality time with them. At least they'll know your reliable and they can always count on you no matter what.

Take care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Delene | 2006/07/28

Jenny, I dont know her well. They got married 4 years ago. We had many fights. Once she said to me its not her responsibility to look after my "aanteelsels". That was when they just got married & I asked for an increase in my maintenance. I dont like her, though, must admit that the kids do........?

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Jenny (aka Nadine) | 2006/07/28

Your husband's new wife doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Reply to Jenny (aka Nadine)
Posted by: Delene | 2006/07/28

Thank you for the responses. I tried to so hard to "be good" in one situation that I failed in the other.

But its good to know then that i'm not the only one.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Tango | 2006/07/28

I think we have all been there at times.

I did the same thing sometimes and had deep regrets afterwards.

I just sat with my kids and said - I was so wrong to say those things and I did it out of feeling so sad for them, that they were going to be disappointed etc. I explained that I am not perfect, I make mistakes and this was one big one. We all chatted about it and sorted it together.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/07/28

It is sometimes best to protect the kids from these types of things, but at the end of the day it was the truth! Now you're sitting feeling all crappy about something their dad should be feeling crappy about. Don't be so hard on yourself here. You're also human and can't always be the saint.

I'm sure that your comments about wanting them to stay with you and having fun would have done a lot to alleviate the insecurity they might feel from what happened. And opinions they form about their dad will be of his own doing.

Remind them during the weekend how much you love them and that you're really happy they were with you. Children are quite hardy creatures really - and as long as this isn't something that happens over and over again then I'm sure they're not going to be affected.

As much as I also tried to protect my girls, there were times when I lost it too - it's not always easy putting everyone else's feelings first - we just do the best we can!

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/07/28

Delene, if you've never said a bad word about your ex or his wife in front of your kids, I say good for you, you're a better person than I am.

The weekend visits was clearly a misunderstanding, as long as the kids know that, it can't do them any harm.

As long as they know that they're always wanted in their own home, even if it's with 20 extra guests, then all is fine.

Don't start like me now okay? Always worrying about everything.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Phil | 2006/07/28

Delene stop worrying so much. You are only human, and the ex's has a way to bring out the worst in us. It happens to me quite often, not that I want to. I just get so upset! And I am a man, but when my kids are affected I just loose it. The worst is, my ex doesn't even think she does anything wrong. Infact, she has only brought sorrow over our kids lifes, I think anyone elses lifes that she was ever a part of. And you know what, the kids still love her! I guess what I am saying is that kids are very forgiving. And I don't think they will have scars from this one little thing you have done. The kids know they are secure and loved with you. But talking from experience, when they are grown up they will alwyas remember that the parents broke up, who treated them like what. And most of all why their house was broken up. The resentmeant that comes from that erase a lot of the good they can remember. For thsi reason I am so glad that I never did what my ex did.
So stop worrying, you sound like a great parent.,

Reply to Phil
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2006/07/28

Stop right there!
In my personal, amateur opinion, I want you to stop allowing yourself to express your feelings and start realising that these kids need to know both sides of the fence here.
You weren't being destructive, you were being honest, the destruction comes from the fact that your ex has a wife that isn't prepared to compromise.

This can call be sorted out, and you need to explain to your kids tonight that they are a part of the family, and that they are in fact loved and wanted, but that there are other people to consider when it comes to weekends and this weekend dad can't make it.

I believe you should also try not make this an issue, I mean if your husband cannot take the kids, then try make another plan. One day the truth will all come out, but right now do the right thing by keeping your kids exposed to as little trauma as possible, but don't with hold the truth.

Good luck
~Wings~

Reply to ~Wings~

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