Posted by: Charlie | 2008/07/28

Did I do the right thing

I just broke up with my fiance after a two year relationship. I moved out of the house two months ago after I found out that he was still using drugs. I told him that i will not come back unless he seeks help for his problem and he stops drinking. He drinks every day, but not to the extent that he gets very drunk. He agreed, but he did not stick to anything... going out until 4 in the morning from a Wednesday to a Saturday and then I have to deal with a hungover man on a Sunday. We had an argument on Saturday and I just decided enough is enough, so I packed mine and my daughter' s things and left (Not his child). The fight got physical and I he did this infront of my daughter. I just decided enough is enough. I do love him deeply, my heart says go back but my head says no. You is in financial trouble and also blames that on my and reminds me and my daughter all the time how we leech off him. He has been harassing me for the past two days saying that he wants money for the rent for the next month and he wants additional money for all the financial stress I put him through. I told him I can only afford to pay him a little a month, but he wants all now. I dont know how to deal with him as he threatens to make my life hell and that is the reason why I decide to go back all the time because he just adds so much pressure to my life... Did i do the right thing or am I being over sensitive. Am I expecting too much.

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Our expert says:
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Your decision sounds entirely justifiable, for all of your sakes. He will not stop drinking or drugging on his own, and especially not when he has a loving partner who he can persuade to tolerate it. If he wants to blame his financial woes on you and your daughter, then of course your absence will enable him to sort them all out promptly and thoroughly. And if he can't maybe he'll realize the true author of his woes. Dont give him a single brass cent for his "financial woes" which are not caused by you and not your responsibility. Has he ever thought of how much less these woes would be if he spent nothing on booze and drugs ? Whatever you gave him would probably be spent on booze and drugs, anyway. If you feel you should pay anything towards his rent for a month or two, arrange to pay it directly to the landlord, rather than giving any of it to him.
Do not go back, expect little but trouble from him, and consider getting a restraining order from a court to forbid him from harassing you or the child.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: al | 2008/07/29

Jy wonder of jy hom moet terugvat en jou hart is seer. Al waaroor hy worry is " gee my geld!"  As dit nie ' n wake up call is nie, weet ek nie. Hy gee nie vir jou om nie! Jy moet jou standaarde verlaag oor hom? Nee, jy is ' n beter mens as dit. Jou kind word ook nog blootgestel aan drank, dwelms en abuse. As jy swak voel oor dat jy nog lief is vir hom, dink aan jou kind. Sy verdien nie al daai seer nie. En jy ook nie!

Reply to al
Posted by: Mary | 2008/07/28

I agree with all of the replies. You did the right thing, do not take him back. For your child' s sake don' t take him back.
God Bless.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Charlie | 2008/07/28

Thank you, he is driving me insane. He calls me all day demanding money and does not want to even talk about our relationship and what has happend, everything is my fault. He takes no responsibility.

Reply to Charlie
Posted by: aNNa | 2008/07/28

Yes, you did do the right thing. Off course it feels horrible right now, and it' s natural that you have conflicted feelings - the right thing is often not the same as the easy thing.

Pay him regularly what you can afford until you have paid anything you may owe him (not what he FEELS you owe him, but what you AGREED to pay) - rent only falls due on a certain date and you are not obliged to give him any money up front for next months rent.

Concentrate on finding a secure place for yourself and your child - he had a clear choice on whether he was going to get help and give this relationship a chance, and he chose not to. Fine. My suggestion: If he wants you back he must attend at least six AA meetings and/or six counselling sessions. Anyone who does that may not be perfect, but they mean business. Talk IS cheap - actions count.

Reply to aNNa
Posted by: Garfield | 2008/07/28

Over sensitive? Of course not. And YES, you did the right thing. Move away from him and get on with your own life, don' t let him bully you &  speak to someone (anyone - POWA/narcotics anon support etc etc?) if necessary.

He has shown that he is unwilling to change, and I know through my own unfortunate experience with a similar person that unless they want to change and take action, things will continue to get worse, not better. Do it for your child even, but just get out of there and stay out of there. There are much better people in the world than him by the sounds of it and you deserve more than the " life"  he is giving you.

Reply to Garfield

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