Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

I desperately need advice.

I am a 28 year old married woman (customary). Co-own two properties with my husband. Now I want to leave because my life is hell, for lack of a better word.

Short summary of my life

I had an abortion when I was 22, struggled since then to have children (had multiple miscarriages) have had enough with fertility doctors, test… , DONE! Now my husband is openly cheating on me, abusing me physically, emotionally and mentally because I cannot have children, calls me barren and useless. He tells me he is doing me a favour by telling me he is sleeping with another woman. But he still wants to sleep with me, and sees nothing wrong with this.

I didn’ t want to be selfish because I blame myself for all of this, so I told him he can go and have a child with someone else (playing Sarah from the Bible) now everything has backfired. He talks to her in my presence and tells her he loves her, he doesn’ t sleep at home  only eats, takes things from the house to give to her like TV, Bed because she doesn’ t work.

Every time I try to leave he tells me, no one will want to be with me because I am useless, its better I stay with him and tolerate his bull***t, because i put us in this mess

As a result of what has happened in my life, I have become suicidal, been admitted to hospital many times. I have run out of ways to kill myself

Long and short of it all is that now I am at peace with everything, I have accepted Gods will and have decided I want to remain alone for the rest of my life  no partner no children!. He doesn’ t want to leave, I have decided to pack my things and leave without him knowing because he is using me to take care of the house  he can’ t afford everything by himself and since mistress is not working, things will be tough if I leave because there will be no second income. he doesnt see my value, so i want to show him how useless i am.

My life has stopped for him. I can’ t live like this anymore. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave him because he wants kids?

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Our users say:
Posted by: TM | 2014/06/20

I love that you understand that there is God and he can help you, he is manipulating you to because he is feeling useless himself and in order for him to feel good he has to hurt you and blame you. I know how it feels not to have a child have been married 10 years but through the years I learnt to understand that situations are different and God did not say I wont have children and I have seen people married for 15 years and just have the child after 15 years . forgive yourself and believe God has great things in store for you God bless God is closer to those with broken heart , His word says umsonto oqhumayo ( you know the rope in oil lamp that holds the fire so that it brings out light ) he does not put it out and ingcongolo evikivekileyo ( a reed that is about to break ) he does not say no I can see you are already broken let me break you he nurtures it back to life. in Jesus Christ Name

Reply to TM
Posted by: Me | 2013/02/22


Be strong my darling for our Heavenly Father is with you all the way, He has said in His Word that He will never leave nor forsake you.
Go on your knees, ask for His forgiveness for your mistakes and aske for his help and guidance in the whole situation. I know it is not easy and you have done the right thing for moving out. You can cut all contacts with this man, be on your own and pray until something happens. This is just another challenge you have to face, it will all pass and you will be happy again. Just trust in the Lord with all your heart and soul.

Reply to Me
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

Thank u JR, moving on wont be easy but i have to stand up for myself and show him my life will continue without him.

Reply to ML
Posted by: JR | 2013/02/22

Good girl for deciding to leave. I hope that you see that him telling you how useless you are, is just him manipulating you into providing the financial security he cannot do without. If kids is what he wants, that is what he must go and have, but, not at your expense, and that is what he is doing to you my dear. He is USING you.

You are too valuable to put up with his bull, and God''s will is certainly not for you to take your own. You are doing the right thing, and I do not consider you mad at all.

I am sorry about you not being able to have children. I had a miscarriaged two years ago that is still with me everyday, so I can just imagine how it must be dealing with sevral. Forgive yourself now for the mistakes you have made in the past, you owe that to yourself. Do not hold on to it and stop blaming yourself. It is what it is, and we cant change it. But what we can do is make the future better, and you owe it to yourself to do that. Make your life going forward incredible, make it fabulous. Stop living for him, and live for yourself

Good luck and all the best.

Reply to JR

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