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Question
Posted by: CANDY | 2008/07/14

DEVORCED MEN

hi im a 26 year old lady..... and i recently started seeing a devorced men with 3 children.... i like him alot and he is very decent kind and respectfull towards me..... i dnt know whats gonna happend in the future, but im scared to commit or get seriouse ,,, cause i have never been involved with a men with 3 children.... he is a great father and spends alot of time with his children..... which is good, but im just scared that if maybe we get seriouse how i will have to cope with the children... and if they will accept another woman in their fathers life..... What shuld i do??? he already wanted to intruduce them to me .... but it dnt happen..... i love children ,, but im scared somehow, cause this is new to me...... shuld i stay and see what happens or shuld i walk out while its still early,,,, i dnt know what to do....

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These are understandable questions, but nobody can tell you what the answers will be, as individuals, men, divorced me, and men with three children actually differ widely from each other.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Erin | 2008/07/15

WOW.. Ouch ,, I take my hat to you,,, I agree with you,, Each and every saituation is different, and it really depends on what you want or what you make of it,, I am a single mother and i never have been married .. and unfortunately there is that certain Stigma that is attached to Divorced people and as well as signal mothers,, the bottom line is if you want something bad enough you will make it work and fight for what you want,,, compromise,,, and be honest and open with him about how you feeling and work together towards a solution,

Reply to Erin
Posted by: Ouch | 2008/07/14

Candy,
There you have it, the negative side of it. I can't help but to note that you have referred to "DOVORCED MEN", so the issues is not just about a specific concern you have with your current boyfriend (who happens to be a divorcee from his past life) but it is with "DIVORCED MEN"...mmmmmhhh interesting.

I just want to say to you that, as a divorced man, i am also shocked at what the previous posters (I think, X-stepmother, and V) as I am a newly divorced father (since Sept 2006). As CS has said it, maybe circumstances are different. my children (2: boy and girl) stay with their mother, my girlfriend has her two daughters. Even when they visit me, my girlfriend and i have our own time together as well as with children.

So things are still working out fairly well on my side. Maybe will change in the future.

My one other point I wanted to raise is from a book: Conversations With God (Book One, p16) and it reads as follows: "....And so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear. For the first thing you worry about after saying "I love you" is whether you'll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you gebin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes reaction - defense against loss - even as you seek to defend yourself against loss of God. Yet if you (CANDY) knew who you are - that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created - you would never FEAR." (my emphassis and addition of your name)

So Candy says to us that "i like him alot and he is very decent kind and respectfull towards me..... I DONT KNOW WHATS GONNA happend in the future, but im scared to commit or get seriouse " (again my emphasis).

That CANDY "the first thing you worry about after saying "I love you" ".... I think that as much as society has always labelled us Divorced people (divorcee) and judged us as if we are rejects, failures, second-hands, scraps and so on, even you unmarried and undivorced people have FEARS you do not deal with rather shift the blame to the already labelled (the "divorced" or "divorcees"). To me, from where I stand, it sounds a bit unfair and harsh. Candice, I would suggest some counselling of some sort to determine what the fears are that you habour too.

What about if the person was unmarried and had 2 or 20 failed relationships that ended up in break-ups? Is he or she labelled a breakee or a break-upee? They are alright and acceptable but he or she who had a discontinued marriage? Unfair.

Reply to Ouch
Posted by: Sg | 2008/07/14

It is never easy when involved with someone with children.However my (step) daughter was 2 when I first met her and I love her to bits and treat her as my own.
However,whilst my ex girlfriend adored my son and spoilt and loved him to bits,the woman that I since married does not show any sign of acceptance/love etc etc to him ! It is a total disaster and certainly affects our marriage.
All I can say if you try your best as the adult it can work but it can be a hard slog.

Reply to Sg
Posted by: SR | 2008/07/14

CANDY = first find out where he wants to take this. How long has he been divorced?

Reply to SR
Posted by: V | 2008/07/14

I suggest you run away very fast. I am in my second relationship with a divorcee with children. The first one i felt like a spare tyre as you never get the attention you deserve. The child and the ex and her demands always comes first. I raised my ex boyfriend's son for 12 years as his mother used to go jolling and drinking in nightclubs and with other women and men. I was like his mother. Today, after raising him for 12 years he doesnt call, he doesnt come visit me, i have never received anything for mothersday or even my birthday, and i had given up so much of my time for this child and spent money on him and loved him, i have nothing today... Then i had enough, moved out, met someone else with 2 children. Told him about my fears and the 12 years i battled being part of the "family". He promised me his things were sorted out. He lied. Today i have to tolerate his ex in the house as they do everything together "for the kids" so when you are unhappy about something you will hear that you want to keep his kids away from him. I dont know why some people get divorced if they cannot leave each other alone.

I had two bad experiences with divorced men, believe me its all the same. Kids and ex wife will always come first. Christmas and birthdays - well dont be surprised if you cannot go away because the ex said so or you have to spend special occasions with the ex in your face and have to sit and watch like an outsider how mommy and daddy and kids enjoy themselves. And like "i think" says, he has 3 children, will he have kids with you. RUN RUN RUN

Reply to V
Posted by: x-stepmother | 2008/07/14

Run away. Run as fast as you can. Run girl Run. You have no idea what you are getting into. It's not just his children you will cope with it is his x wife as well as well as her boyfriend or new husband as well as his parents as well as her parents.

Maintenance issues, money issues, who takes them when. Imagine going on holiday? You and him will have no time because he'll be with the kids playing, yes it seems fun and you'll all play together, but in fact you will not have time alone together.

Dicipline ? Do the two of you agree on that? Religion do you agree on that ? Do you believe children should have chores? Does he agree. Do you think children should earn their pocket money? Does he ?

It will always be HIM and HIS against little old you and no matter how hard you try you will always be the big bad stepmother.

Go to the stepparenting site and read a couple of posts.

The major problem is not the kids as much as the father's lack of standing up and having backbone. They feel guilty because of the divorce and then then the children get away with murder. Are you prepared to do homework with them? Cook for all of them ? Pack their lunches? Sit with them when they are sick? And when you one comes? How do you protect him or her from them? Because try as you might you can never love another's children like your own and your's will be special to you and they will be jealous and they will hurt him or her when you are not closeby.

It will take counselling to.

Please do go to step parenting site and go see how little of the people there are lucky enough to have a man who stands by them!

Why not wait for Mr. Right and start your own family with him?

If I knew what I did today I would have saved myself a lot of heartache, a hell of a lot.

Print this posting and one day not long from now you'll be looking for it and reading it and say...I should have listened.

You are young, you dont need this in your life, trust me on this one.

Reply to x-stepmother
Posted by: I think | 2008/07/14

I think there are lots of things to consider, first being ,do u want to have ur own kids in the future? and if so how abt ur man does he want to add to the three he's already have?...

Reply to I think

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