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Posted by: Shane | 2009/09/09

Deurmekaar

I am a married man, for 4 years now. I love my wife and we have 2 kids. we have been dating for 5 years before getting married. I have this problem that cant get out of my head. She was no virgin when we first ahd sex, but i have ask her before if she was and she said yes, but yes.... and could not turn my back on her as by that time i alreday loved her so much and we were only 19 years old and i never questioned it, until we were 21 i as her when was the first time she had sex, she said when she was 16. And she told me the guys name and later it turned out it was not that guy, but someone 20 years older than her. And this was the same guy that always picked her up after school which she told me it is her uncle. She sometimes bunked school and then i heard by her friends that goes with her that they were with " uncle"  and his friends doing i dont know, but she has always denied it until i think she felt that she also love me. the boys at school always had something to say about her, but as for me that was a normal guy, being and athlete, academic good and obey the rules of the school and parents, i never thought that she was what they say she is. Until we were realy serious and she confessed. Now. this thing sits on mymind and and pi$$es me off and when she sometimes acts like a woman, you know what mean, than that thought crosses my mind and i see her as a B!cth. Help me please!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Shane - your story is indeed deurmekaar and one could read a number of things into it. The issue is really: why are you angry? what is it , in this situation that makes you angry and why? We all have secrets from each other and a marriage license is no court order to disclose and share everythihg with your partner - I am sure you have things that you never told her. You need to see a therapist to sort out why it is that you feel this way - that way you will be able to respond differently whent henext issue arises.

Call the SASHA helpline to be referred to a practitioner in your area 0860 100 262

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Katie | 2009/09/14

the past is exatly that , the past. We cannot go back and change it and even if you wanted to hear all the disgusting details it' s in the the past there is absolutely nothing you can do abou it.

you need to focus on where you are and where you want to go I am sure your wife regrets telling you the truth even though at the time she thought it was the right thing to do. you say you love your wife then why can' t you forgive her for what happend before she entered in to Holy Matromony with you for better for worst till death you do part. please move on you are going to cause yourself ill health dwelling on this she loves you as has not given you cause to think any different and if you need to thrash it out take up squash so that everytime you hit the ball against the wall you can picture its ' ' uncle' '  . Just let it go for the sake of your kids.

Reply to Katie
Posted by: Rick | 2009/09/10

My opinion is that you should not ask about the past, eespecially sexual history, it never ends well. If she was a virgin then thats great, but it also come with its own set of problems.

I never ask anymore, the one time i did with my gf at the time just caused me problems and worry. So now I never raise the subject, I just look at how they are now and forget the past, we cant change it in anycase.

Just dont think about it and move forward.

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Shane | 2009/09/10

My thing is, with how many man did she slept before, i mean if she could have done this at such an early age and lied about it. and i knew about this before we got married. I dont think of her as a slut. Ok, i am just frastrated that i have married a woman that I dearly love that have had many sexual relationships. The sexual relationships i dont mind, but the fact that she start doing this at such a young age and to think that she has had 2,3,4,5 guys at that age, it makes me think what eles is she capable of.

Reply to Shane
Posted by: Babe | 2009/09/09

Do you mean that you involunterily think of her as a slut when she acts sexual? If so, and if she has changed (like I deduce that she has, and she has proven it by being faithful to you all these years), then you need to make a conscious decision to ban this thought from your mind. CBT can help you in this process if you cannot do it by yourself.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Woman | 2009/09/09

Shane , I wish I COULD understand you, but I can' t. I will therefore bow out of this conversation, because it is obvious that I am not saying what you want to hear.

Good luck to your wife, I really hopes she gets the help she needs to work through her damaging teen years.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: TT | 2009/09/09

CE, U ARE THE BEST OUR SOCIETY NEEDS PPL JUST LIKE U. SHANE WE UNDERSTAND UR SITUATION JUST PUT EVERYTHING BEHIND N MOVE ON WITH UR LIFE(S) AS LONG SHE' NT NOT REPEATING WAT SHE DONE IN HER PAST.

GOOD LUCK MAY BROER

Reply to TT
Posted by: XXX | 2009/09/09

You may be upset for her not telling the whole truth but for crickey' s sake she was abused after all and obviously feels " dirty"  about it.She probably also is not proud of that fact.
Give her some slack and move on,she was a child at the time.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Shane | 2009/09/09

CE, thanks, you understand me.

Reply to Shane
Posted by: CE | 2009/09/09

To Woman: You are totally off the subject here. Re-read Shane' s story and make better sense of it. His wife lied to him about her sexual history, and has now recently revealed all the truth. Shane is putting all the pieces together and it' s upsetting him knowing that she bullsh*t him all these years about her past.

To Shane: I totally understand how mad it must make you feel. I, too, would be upset if I only found out later (after getting married) that my husband lied about his history, when previously asked.

My best advice to you would be to try put things behind you and " forgive and forget" . I' m sure we all have things in our past which we would lie about or try to hide for as long as possible.
You need to decide if you are willing to forgive her and move forward. If not, I' d suggest that you 2 go for couple' s counselling.

Good luck and all the best.
Hope things work out for you.
CE

Reply to CE
Posted by: Woman | 2009/09/09

Shane, if she had told you that she was 14 and he was 32, you would have been furious - because he would have been a paedophile. 16 - 18 year olds should have relationships with 16 year olds. Not 34 year olds! She was very obviously taken advantage of at a very young age by an older, more experienced predator. Most of my peers are 32+. I cannot imagine any one of them being so inappropriate! And we would take him on about it! It' s wrong and shows a warped mind. Seeing a 16 year old as a sex partner. heavens!

But let me get this straight - you are angry because she said she was a virgin on your wedding night? Maybe she meant that she felt like a virgin, having someone who loves her and respects her touching her sexually?

So she wasn' t a virgin. Whether or not she was abused obviously doesn' t matter to you. Rather sweep that bit under the carpet, huh? Why is it such an issue to you? You are making this a big deal and your issues with virginity is making it impossible for her to move on.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Shane | 2009/09/09

she is fine, this guy was not a fam member, that was the excuse she gave me, Yes she was 16 and i think he was about 30-34 or something like that. She is acting normal, i never chatted to her about how i feel, but we had couple if arguments about this before and i said some harsh words about it, but only because it is bothering me. And she has apologise to me for making such stupid mistaked, but still i feel the pain.

Reply to Shane
Posted by: Woman | 2009/09/09

She was 16, and the guy was 20 years older - 36! hat IS abuse- she needs to go see a psychologist!

She called him uncle - that doesn' t suggest a relationship at all! It suggests a dominant person. An uncle or oom in Afrikaans can be anyone. Usually a close family friend.

And seeing your reaction to it probably scared her so much that she is still not honest about the age where this started. Any specific reason why she chose 16? Oh yes, because that makes the guy legal (not statutory rape). Maybe he threatened her? how long did she know him before?

There is much more to this than she' s saying. There is much more to this than you are realising. And it is very serious. Please get her to go see a counsellor. Let me ask you this - does she sometimes do things that makes no sense - like getting into trouble at work, or is her moods up and down all the time. How are things in the bedroom? Is she depressed at times? If anything seems out of the ordinary with her, it might be signs that she is suppressing things. Please get her some help?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Shane | 2009/09/09

To woman: she was not abused what so ever. i said, that she told me that older guy was her uncle, but it is not her uncle she was dating this guy and they were sexualy active. Even when we were dating back in our school days, we are only 27 years of age.

Reply to Shane
Posted by: Fred | 2009/09/09

You have to get to the bottom of this and sort it out. Being upset with her is not helping one bit. Get professional help and get it very soon. The help part seems to include you as well my friend. There are a lot of guilt and trust issues that come into play here, and you simply have to sort it out.

Reply to Fred
Posted by: Woman | 2009/09/09

Okay, let me get this straight. Your wife told you that she was sexually abused and raped as a young girl by her uncle (and possibly his friends) and you call her a " bitch" ?? Sounds to me like she ought to go therapy to deal with her SEXUAL ABUSE and RAPE and the fact that you, her husband and who should love her, seems to HATE her for being an ABUSED child?

Yes, you are desperate. You are desperate for some brains! How can you possibly think a child who is abused and raped by a close family member will be a virgin? Have you ever even asked how old she was when this first happened to her? Have you shown any sympathy to her? It sure doesn' t sound like that!

How can you expect her to deal with it and make peace with it if this is your reaction and be a good wife to you if you are so stupid that you didn' t even realise what all these " stories"  meant???

Reply to Woman

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