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Question
Posted by: Shyshy | 2007/03/28

Desperately need Help

Hello Cybershrink

I am in desperate need of your help before I loose my mind. My bf is a UK citizen and I'm S African, he came here to be with me and we had our life nicely planned, were gonna get married etc, I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she and my bf get along ok. Problem is that things didn't go as planned, he's had a hard time getting a job etc and as a result got very depressed, I have tried by all means to help him but nothing seems to work, he won't go for therapy for his depression and is constantly in tears etc.

His ex gf cheated on him with his best friend and collegue and he doesn't seem to have gotten over that, and he is sometimes very hostile towards me. Recently he has met this friend whom he now idolizes and as a result seem to be going about the whole friendship the wrong way. He doesn't seem interested in doing anything with me at all, and seem like he is living in his own world, he always goes to bed early and will not spend any time with me chatting up or anything and the only time he remembers I'm even there or any physical contact from him is when he wants to have sex. With all this he is always complaining that I do not show him any affection and that I am cold, he says he is unhappy and is always feeling sorry for himself even tho I have found him a place where he can see a therapist as I feel he has a lot of issues to resolve. He shows me no affection also and the only physical contact I get is when he wants sex. He is not keen to go back to the UK and yet doesn't seem keen to work on our relationship, he is good at pointing fingers and playing the blaming game yet he shows no commitment to work on anything. I am at my witts witht he whole thing and sometimes I feel like I'm flauging a dead horse. There are times when I feel like I want things to be how they used to be and I also feel like maybe if he had a job here he would be a different person, but I really just don't know anymore, one moment I feel like I still love him and want to work on things yet other times he just irritates the shit out of me by the things he does. He says he us depressed and yet won't do anything to change the situation, sometimes I feel like it is just his way of avaiding any responsibility for anything. He never tells me what he wants, for each question I ask him about what he wants and about the future he just says he doesn't know. I feel so unhappy about the situation, I have enough to worry about and it just annoys me that he won't take any responsibily for anythng, all he wants to do is stare into space and complain that he feels depressed and unhappy, he won't open up to me about anything, he only speaks to him mother, they sms each other like lovers, he is forever on the phone texting him mom. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help with some advice?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he is indeed becoming Depressed, i's foolish and rather selfish for him to refuse to seek proper help for this, isn't it ? Indeed, his entire relationship with you sounds selfish and of no real benefit to you. I agree with you that it sounds very much as though he may be using the "depression" as an excuseto evade taking responsibility for his decisions and his life. Why stay in the relationship with him ? Let him and his mom and his idolized friend work things out, while you move on with your own life.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Patti | 2007/03/28

Hi Desperate!
Just a thought, was your bf in employment in the UK? or did he come out here expecting the same benefits as he got at home. If u are willing to work in the UK there is always someting u can do, from bar tendering, security to manual labour. My son went over 3 years ago and he has done all sorts of jobs u wouldn't get is S.A.
It sounds to me as if he is expecting you to do all the job chasing 4 him.
Some people (my ex for instance) just cannot talk about what they are feeling and just clam up - he just went to bed and nothing was ever resolved. As far as councilling is concerned; would he even talk to a councellor?, my ex wouldn't!
Perhaps u should pack him off to his own pad - perhaps that will wake him up and get him positively looking for amployment instead of leaching off you?
Hope all works out for u.

Patti

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