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Posted by: DESPERATELY NEED ADVICE | 2006/04/02

DESPERATELY NEED ADVICE

I've been dating a married man for almost a year now, and I have come to love him more than life itself and I believe that he loves me dearly. After we met and started seeing each other more regularly he told me that he's still married, but they are only together for the kids sake (who are both younger than 5), because they wanted to give their kids a good home they decided not to split up. They live seperate lives (and sleep in seperate beds). What I need advice about is us, we have a awesome relationship, but we argu about his situation on a regular basis. We try to spend as much time together as possible but it's difficult under these circumstances, he has to make excuses about where he's going, or they get invited to functions together and sometimes he just can't get out of the house, which upsets me terribly! He has gone to see a lawyer about getting a divorce but they said it could take up to 3/4 of a year!!! Is that possible? I don't know whether he or she would move out of the house before then (cause they have been living like this for almost 2 years) Should I rather end the relationship and dissapear till everything is over or should I stick around? (although this is so hard on me aswell having to lie to my friends and family about why I can't see him tonight etc etc... cause no one knows he's married!) But then again how do you end a relationship that, besides for the obvious, there is nothing wrong with!?!

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Our expert says:
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It is never wise to love anything or anyone "more than life itself" --- without that life, there is no love, anyway. Of course you knew and know that loving a married man is bound to lead to grief, for you, him, and his wife and family. Its hard to tell, when a married man has an affair with you, whether his wife is truly the sham he hsually describes it as, or if that's a line he has found useful in pursuing affairs.
If he's lying about this, then he's probably merely using you, and will never marry you. If he's telling the truth about this, then he ( and perhaps she ) have already decided to continue with their marriage, for whatever reasons, and he is not preparing to marry you, either. Divorces don't necessarily take as long as you've been told ; though if it is one that is hotly contested by the spouse and involving complex financial matters, I suppose it could indeed drag on.
A relationship that is based on lies ( to friends and others ) and hiding, is not one that is likely to prosper. Its disingenuous to call it a "relationship that, besides for the obvious, there is nothing wrong with!?!" --- that's like calling the Iraq mess, a situation that, besides the obvious, is peaceful. Are you not, by so fiercely insisting on THIS relationship, closing yourself off from other possibilities with better chances of happiness ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Eyes wide open | 2006/04/03

You women who want to have a relationship with married men are so damn stupid. You go into a relationship knowing they are married, you are cheaters as well as they are, and then you have the cheek to cry and carry on when things don't work out for you. If you know he is married, then I'm sorry, you knew that when you went into this relationship that he is NOT yours. So when the muck hits the fan, be prepared to take the pain. Don't go crying that he won't do this or he won't do that. You are a cheater as much as the married man is.

Reply to Eyes wide open
Posted by: Sister Zazi | 2006/04/03

Hi

Sister let me tell you something about this married men they will tell you the wrong stories about their wives how they are not happy, how he wants to divorce, we stay because of the kids. This people are real liars they will tell you things that will make u pitty for him and thats when you make the biggest mistake of your life and its hard to end up a relationship that you still love the person.

Im talking about something that happened to me. He was loving,caring you can name them all in the first months and he didnt care who sees him but he would actually lie to his wife and tell her that he is still busy with project that he got. When you ask why did he lie he will say i cant just tell her out of the bule i need time to sort out my problems. He will take his time sister and your mistake was you lied about him being single.

Why did you lie?You should have been straight with everyone. There is one thing i have realised is that our parents know what this kind of things will take you thats is why they will never allow their kids to fall in love with married men they know better than us.

Loving someone with all your heart is never a good thing but we tend to do it anyway. The best remedy is to tell him that you still love him and give him an altumatum about you staying away until his divorce is over. Im telling you he will never leave her wife for you never they are all the same this married men.

My advice stay away from him and start a new life my dear. I did and my life is much better now.

Reply to Sister Zazi

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