Posted by: Shali | 2008/05/28

desperate for advice

Hey there Doc,

havent been here for a while but would greatly appreciate it if you could possible shed some clarity on a personal matter I have.

A few months ago I met a guy and turned out to be a very good friend. We have become really close and talk about everything so this is harder cos I can't discuss this with him.
I think I am in love with him or possibly the idea of him. He is an amazing guy and when we met he had just come out of a 4 yr relationship and was pretty messed up about it. I became his shoulder to cry on and helped him through that rough spot. All i did was be there for him, occupy his time so more like a distraction and opened him up to more friends and making friends. In the process he quit his career path (music) and job and in my eyes changed his whole life around. Now he is thriving and seeing people and I've started to become insecure and an emotional wreck! He has told me that a girlfriend is no 1 and a huge goal for him to atchieve and that once he has one she will be his one and only priority. Now im sad and living in anticipation of that happening that Im struggling to keep my chin up and get on with my own life. I care for him alot but now im confused as how I feel. I cant contemplate him being with someone else - its makes me sick to my stomach.
So then i think, ok maybe i have romantic feelings for him and I dont want that to get in the way of our friendship and I cant be bias when he askes for my advice. i think he has picked up on this and so maybe pushing me away a bit. We have spoken intensely about this and my conclusion is to let him go. I cant hear about these girls and when he feels insecure he calls me. i just want to scream at him OPEN YOUR EYES im right here! but i know i am not what he is looking for. He goes for looks and whilst i am modest i do think i am pretty but trying desperately to lose more weight to fit the mould that he has created for himself.
we get on like a house on fire when we both in happy places. Poeple comment that we were meant for eachother. Problem is - i get attracted to personality while he is attracted to the physical.

Im starting to find myself laying in bed all day before work, sleeping in late, not eating, then eating the wrong things, waiting for his call (which is stupid) and I dont want to do this anymore.
he is very special and unlike any person I've ever met. He is very unique and almost intriguing or mysterious. Always keeps me on my toes or guessing whats next. So i never know where i stand which isnt a good thing actually.

What do i need to do to look at him again like i used to in the begining cos I rather keep him as a friend than lose him but I feel the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality might come in handy here.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some of us guys are REALLY thick when it comes to recognizing that some people like us. Is there any alternative to calmly and tactfully indicating to him that you have grown very fond of him, and would like to consider moving further IF that is acceptable to him ? Don't you need to convey to him, basically, what you have told us here ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shali | 2008/05/28

in the begining i did tell him over the phone but he brushed it off - and then i said "oh thats how i felt in a moment of weakness". I think he is aware of it and maybe doesnt know how to let me down without losing my friendship.

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