Our expert says:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Hi Hopeless, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting. I seem to recall that you've posted here before, possibly under a different name?
Firstly, congrats on what you've accomplished - you've lived with depression, you've managed to lose weight, you've stopped cutting yourself, you came out to your parents, you're getting on better with people and your grades are good. That's quite a long list of significant positives and illustrates that you have a lot of inner strength you can rely on! Something else that stands out for me is that although you describe yourself as a small child in an adult world you seem to have a lot of insight and you expressed yourself here very articulately. Besides your surroundings it sounds as if you live in a very complex psychological world. For starters, you seem to have very complex relationships with significant people around you and you tend to either see people as totally 'good' or totally 'bad' - there's no middle road. You also seem to isolate yourself from others and to justify this by finding some fault or short-coming with others. At times you're almost overwhelmed with negative, unpleasant emotions and don't know how to express these and I'm concerned that you may have a pattern of self-sabotage; for example, you certainly want to be helped but you also present obstacles to your being helped. An example of this is calling the Gay & Lesbian Helpline (021 4 222 500) or Triangle Project (021 448 3812) - if the public phone isn't private enough is there absolutely no way you could find another phone, or a time when you can be private (the Helpline is open between 1pm and 9pm), or tell your gran that you need to speak privately at home and close the door?
Your pessimism could be linked to your depression but it probably contributes to your feeling hopeless and depressed as well. For example, you're worried that when you enter a relationship you'll be cheated on or you'll be infected with HIV. You anticipate rejection, failure and gloom and yet your post also illustrates your tenacity and ability to overcome significant hurdles and obstacles.
I'm pleased that you express the need to speak to someone. Ideally I think you should be in counselling to help you cope with everything that's going on around you. Especially since you're in matric and your stress levels could increase as the year progresses. Your parents have told you that they love you no matter what and if you can't tell them how you're feeling you should at least tell them that you'd like to see a counsellor - I have no doubt that they'd want to do what's right for you. If you feel unable to discuss seeing a counsellor with them, talk to your GP about this. You don't have to tell him you're gay - just tell him you're feeling depressed and stressed and he'll refer you to a counsellor. You have to start trusting someone to help you and that person may well be your GP.
Please keep posting - we'd like to hear more from you.
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