Posted by: wings on fire | 2008/06/05

depression amidst wonderful happenings

i suffer from bipolar mood disorder. i do not have a medical aid and can only afford to take my mood stabilizer, epitec 200mg, daily. i was admitted to a pshychhiatric hospital for a month in february and on the meds there the voices and depression seemed to abate. now i am living my own life again...outside of my body. i feel as though i am standing next to my body and watching everything pass like in a horror movie. i scream but no one hears. i have a 2 year old daughter i cannot cope with. we just moved into a house and i finally got a job after months of searching but still i feel this way.

i dont have a boyfriend because every male i meet has a hidden agenda for bringing me down. i hurt so much i can hardly breathe. i cut my legs just to see blood and then i know that at least i am still alive. i think my little girl would be better of waith my mother and that life without me would be simpler. no one wants to hear about my feelings or support me. i am the clown in my corner of the world. always making others happy while i feel like my wings are on fire and once again i'm heading for a crash. i wish i could just get another high episode. but it seems as though this depression will never end.

i dont know if i am asking a question or telling a story...i just want the illusion of someone listening to me for a change.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu seem to be doing some things well, despite a difficult situation --- congratulations on geting the job. Is it possible to arrange to see your prescribing shrink again, for a re-assessment of your condition and treatment ? On a variety of otherwise helpful drugs, some people do feel unagreeably spaced out and unreal. It sounds as though there may be personality or other problems making things a bit more difficult for you, and you know that cutting isn't really a great idea. It sounds overall as though you have been growing seriously depressed, and need treatment for that, as well as the epitec. DO arramnge this ASAP --- those mischievous thoughts about people being better off without you are inaccurate and dangerous. Your child will NEVER be better off without you, and when you are better you will recognize this yourself. This depression can and will end, if you get and work with the proper help you deserive.
And I hope that you feel better for the reality that I and others have indeed been listening, and this is no illusion.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2008/06/25

Hi CS,
Im 20 years old. I've been stuffering depression since I was 16. Last year I studied Medicine, but dropped out coz i just couldnt handle it. My parents have always wanted me to get a degree.
Now I am working, I hate it, and I hate being such a dissapointment. I drink every night, I cut sometimes when i just cant go on and suicide is always on my mind.
I have been in therapy from age 16 and it just never helps.No one understands and it makes it even worse.
My deepest sympathy to all who KNOW HOW I FEEL

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Seabreeze | 2008/06/11

I am 34 years old, my depression started at 30 years. I ended up in hospital after several suicidal attempts but to no avail. My family suffered the most by me being bipolar. My psychiatrist told me yesterday that we wasted a lot of time and that the psychiatrist who visited me in the hospital a few years ago and who had refered me to her, was actually right, but that we must see it as "water under the bridge". I wanted to yell at her that it almost cost me my life! I started a few months ago on a low dosage of Epitec and am now on 200 mg Epitec. I feel that it helps me, she also subscribed with it Welbutrim which I have stopped because I felt it did not work for me with the Epitec which she found strange. Before Epitec I had huge fights with my family, my daughter and son saw me several times in a very poor state, I don't know how it is going to influence their life at a later stage. How could I explain the "electricity" in my brain, the voices etc. When I was in the "dumps" I was given a few tablets of a very old anti depressant, they say that it was the father of the other medication, can't remember the name now, small yellow tablet, but that brought me out of deep depression. I still snap now and then with small things that trigger it, how do I stop that? I don't know how I am going to be from now to the next few minutes, hours, days, years. The epitec is a mood stabiliser, but what is the difference between a mood stabiliser and depression, seasonal depression and bipolar disorder? (Mood stabilisers and anti-depression medication, is it the same?). Is there a Bipolar support group in Namibia. I live in Walvis Bay.

Reply to Seabreeze
Posted by: wings on fire | 2008/06/05

thank you cs. your reply made me burst into tears. i really did not think anyone would respond or even care. i can make no promises but i will try to get an appointment to see my pshychiatrist as soon as i can. once again thank you.

Reply to wings on fire

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