Posted by: abs | 2004/01/10

depressed because of infertility

Hi Doc
i have been married for 6 years and i still dont have a child, both myself and husband have been checked out. the problem is that i feel alone and empty.i feel that my life has no meaning and whats worse is that i look at other peoples kids and just can't stand them. please help.

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Our expert says:
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Dear abs,
one of the unfortunate side-effects of relative infertility, is that so easily one's life becomes focussed entirely on the issue of fertility and having kids, as if that was the sole purpose of life, rather than just one of its many possibilities. Having and raising children can be a marvellous privilge and (intermittently!) a pleasure, but it is not, and must not, be the only thing that can be considered as giving meaning to life. Indeed, if it WERE the sole meaning to life, we'd be a culture of breeder hens and battery chickens, producing more and more people, none of them doing anything except to produce yet more people. There are many things in life one can do and be, which produce profound satisfaction and great value to others, having childen being only one of them.
DO get involved in counselling, to understand your feelings better and to find better ways to adjust to the possibilty that you might not have children, and to explore alternative sources of meaning and value.
One of the other snags built-in to such a situation is that getting depressed and anxious and despairing about infertility ( a very natural and nunderstandable response ) in itself can lower one's fertility ; whereas people who deal with the psychological component of their situation may become more fertile. And it's remarkable how often one finds that a couple who give up on the struggle and adopt a child, not only find happiness with the adoption, but may actually go on to conceive in the regular way afterwards, when they've lost the stress of struggling for it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: k00s | 2004/01/10

u say u & hub has been "checked out" ,,,but u dont mention the results? the answer to that one is goin to hav a bit of an impact on whatever response is goin to b generated,,,i think

if nothing is clearly amiss ,,,,,well,,,then u should just keep at it & try to do the normal things that might lead to pregnancy & to improved chances of getting pregnant,,,,,,,,,which might include some mor visits to dr

if sumtin is not right,,,i guess one will hav to try & get to a point wher u know if ther is any chance or not & try do adapt your life to that reality,,,

i do however think u should go 4 some coucellin in either case to help u with the depressive feelings & the sense of hope/meaninglessness,,,they r both feelings that can make ones life real miserably in various ways & need some serious attention,

u r also not tooo clear on exactl your feelings towards other kids,,,,the logical deduction might b that your frustration might lead to u feelin kinda negativ towards other people their children. that in itself is a reaction that might to a certain degree even b expected ,,,but its not goin to help u achieve anything . the topic should b included in your discussions with a proff person,,,if your depression lift u might feel diff about this aspect
do what u can do in a pratical sense to address these issues & apart from that,,,,,try not to obsess too much about it,,,relax,,,find things u enjoy in life,,,& mebbe when u least think/worry a about it,,,,,

also talk to hub about it to ensure mutual support & understandin,

b strong

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