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Question
Posted by: FIFI | 2008/01/21

Depressed and always stuck in the middle

I am at a stage in my life when any form of confrontation or uncomforatble situation, however big or small seems unapproachable or an impossible hurdle. In a nutshell my coping mechanisms are shot. And yet the guilt of not coping with these seemingly ordinary things cause such great guilt and feelings of failure that I am constantly battling with myself to do better and stop feeling this way. I am currently taking Cilift to overcome some of my issues, but feel it is pointless unless some of the physical aspects of my life are rearranged. I am a working mother of 2 adorable cherubs, aged 2 and 4. If that isn't enough to cope with, recently my divorced mom had to move in with us due to financial difficulties which in some respects is a help, and in others a nightmare. My eldest loves her dearly and constantly i feel as tho i am playing tug-of-war for her affections. I am also often in the middle of awkward situations when there is a clash of interests between my mom and husband. Going against any one of these very important people in my life means i have to take sides, a position i struggle with with a diminished perspective. Please help me, i am goinf crazy! Want to run away!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Surely you ought to be seeign a good, poisitive and practical counsellor like one using CBT ( COgnitive-Behaviour Therapy ) to revise your habits of negative thinking and to learn better habits and interpersonal skills ? And let go of that tug-of-war --- this is a game all of you can win --- the child is fully capable of loving both of you --- YOU love both children, don't you ? And your love for the one in no way diminished your love for the other ?
And, as usual, John's comments are wise and thoughtul. And helpful !

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Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2008/01/22

First, change your nic to something else. Fifi is such woesie name: it has the strength of candy floss, of bubbles.

Be glad that your daughter(s) love your mother so much. Its a blessing. But remember that the love they have for her is qualitively different to the love they have for you.

Your are, and will always be, your mother's daughter and as such you must repsect her. But you are no longer a child. You are married woman. As for taking sides, why, my dear, you did that when you got married! Except of course, if your husband is ridiculous but then you will tackle him on that basis and not from having taken sides with your mum (if that makes sense).

You need to sit your mother down and tell that you love her, a lot, but that she cannot put you in a position where it appears you have to take sides. Explain to her that you have to side with your husband, as you would expect him to side with you 'against' your MIL, and that she has to adjust her expectations accordingly.

If she has complaints about living circumstances then she should take these up with you, privately, in the first instance before pushing the family into DefCon 2.

I am not qualified to comment on your medication and coping ability but I wish you well, on all levels.

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