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Question
Posted by: Busy | 2007/04/11

Depressed

hi all

i am a bread winner at home and in my relationship (if that is what we call it). i have a older brother and sister who have babies and i am taking care of them. i committed myself after finishing school that i will take care of my family as my dad sacrificed his retrenchement money in '99 for me to get a degree i did not get to that i managed a Btech because of money problems. now i have a good job and i am taking care of them very well when i committed myself i did not include extra package like my siblings kids and my brothers baby mama's hairdo. i now find myself paying for my nephews chreche school fees, food, clothing and everything else that you can imagine on top of that i have to fetch the small nephew from creche everyday after work give him a bath, feed him and generally baby sit the 2. my mother is very active at church she attends almost everyday and its unfair for her to be taking care of the children and the household on top of all that my sister and my brother do not respect me at all they expect me to give and give. my relationship and seeing my parents happy is what keeps me going. i am 25 have a good job people my age have cars, apartments and all the glam that a young lady would dream of but not me, i cant afford all that because of all the burden that is actually a bad word to use.

somebody out there please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why did your older brother and sister choose to have babies when they were not able to support themselves, let alone babies ? It's one thing to feel commited to helping your family to a reasonable extent, but not to support them in luxury expenses. I don't see why you should necesarily support their kids, which they did not have to have ; now in major luxuries like a hairdo for your brother's baby mama. Effectively you are paying all those expenses, and apparently your lazy siblings do NOTHING ? Why can't they get a job, ANY job at first, so as to earn money to support ehemselves and their children ?
And why on earh do YOu have to fetch the kid from school and bath him and feed him ? Are your brother and sister paralyzed ? I also don't see any point in someone spending most of every day at church, while neglecteing their own family --- there are excellent reasons why your mom should spend less time at church, and more time behaving like a Christian and looking after the children. Are you having to pay for her to afford the luxury of spending all day at church every day, too ?
Your brother and sister are unlikely to respect you so long as they see it as unnecessary, and so long as they can expect you to just carry on pouring money into them.
Burden is NOT a bad word to use, but an accurate description of the deadbeat bums you seem to be lavishing your moeny on. For you to pay for your sibs to finish their schooling so they could get a better job, might be fine --- to pay for hairdos and babies, is nonsense.
I agree with BPD, you need to severely set boundaries and limits, or they will always expect more and more.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Busy | 2007/04/11

Realistic, its my mother who attends church regularly not my brothers girlfriend. thank u very much for your response.

Reply to Busy
Posted by: REALISTIC | 2007/04/11

ITS GREAT THAT UR SISTER IN LAW ATTENDS CHURCH REGULARLY ,BUT GOD ONLY HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.I HAVE TO AGREE WITH BPD,UR RESPONSIBITY WAS TO YOUR PARENTS NOT UR SIBLINGS.UR SIBLINGS MADE A CONSIOUS DECISION TO BRING KIDS INTO THIS WORLD AND FOR THAT THEY HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY.SINCE U ARE THE BREADWINNER START PROVIDING ONLY THE BARE ESSENTIALS.TIME TO CUT OUT ALL THE LUXUARY.IF ITS THAT IMPORTANT,IT'LL FORCE THEM TO GET OFF THEIR BUTTS AND WORK 4 A LIVING

Reply to REALISTIC
Posted by: Busy | 2007/04/11

thank u guys my bf always tells me that i am a very special person to cope with all this, but i always think that he just knows how to make me feel better. you have put a huge smile on my face, its nice to know that someone out there believes in me and respects me for all the trouble i go through.

THANK U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Busy
Posted by: BPD | 2007/04/11

Well I never! You are a great guy to do what you do, but your commitment was to your parents and not to your sister and brother. If your commitment was to your sister and brother then it is to them and not to their kids. It is the parents responsibility to look after their kid! There obviously is the other parent of the nephew and they should be taking responsibility for the kid too. I don't think it should be your responsibility to pay for creche and clothes and and and... if they don't respect you then stop what you are doing for them. Respect is apparently earned and in your case it has been earned! You need to tell them to take responsibility for the kid. Your responsiblity is to your parents. You can't look after them for the rest of their lives! You need to set boundaries and if they cross the boundaries you need to stand up for your own sanity!

Reply to BPD
Posted by: Butterfly | 2007/04/11

I just want to say - well done!!

I think you are great - I am also sorry for you - I have one brother who always borrows money, called me when fighting with wife etc. Always had different feelings about it, mostly guilt - reading your story reminded me of mine....
Sort of know how you feel!!!
Thinking of You..........

Reply to Butterfly

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