Posted by: Twanette | 2004/12/06

Definately not a problem for sexologist

I can not get my b/f to sit down and talk about our bedroom problems.

I am not satisfied by him but my problem is that i feel that if i tell him this he will withdraw and we will have even less intercourse.

He is not very talkative i don't even know if he knows that he is not satisfying me.

How do I talk to him about our intimacy problem without him getting upset?

We have a wonderful relationship but intimacy and communication is terrible.

Counseling is not an option he is adimant that their is nothing wrong with him or our relationship.

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like a good example of a common situation. When the one problem ( the bedroom problems in this case ) could probably be relatively easily solved, were it no for the second problem, of non-communication. Trying to solve such problems without talking abou them, is like trying to make a Christmas cake without touching any of the ingredients.
Yopu can approach this subtly and usefully, not be communicating a blanket comment on dissatisfaction, but by complimenting him on whatever he does right, or nearly right, suggesting that you'd really like more of X which he does so well ( even if he barely does it ). Maybe suggesting calmly that there's something different you would like to try with him. Maybe asking him if there's more you could do which he might find more pleasing ( and encouraging him to think likewise). Rather as emma suggests.
I don't believe that you are "the problem" but that approach mnight interest him in finding a solution, to "your problem" so long as we don't have to even suggest that anyu of it might be "his problem".

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Our users say:
Posted by: Matthew | 2004/12/06

Hi there, communication is very important. Try not in the future to focus on what he does wrong but rather maybe what he's great at. I'm sure there are plenty of things you are both good at in bed. haha.
Focus on the positive of eachother and if there is a problem, a solution is expressing yourself with respect for your partner's feelings and your's.
Don't forget to buy some mirrors. Jokin'

Reply to Matthew
Posted by: socks | 2004/12/06

You shouldnt be trashing your body in that way in the 1st place

why arent you waiting for marriage doing this you are hurting your body and yourself!

Maybe its a sign he isnt the one for you...i mean you should be so close to the perosn you love that you know each other and feel comfortable talking about anything...

clearly this isnt your case.

Reply to socks
Posted by: emma | 2004/12/06

So basically it's not that you want to be intimate with him every single day at every single just want to be satisfied time you have sex tell him (not order him) how you like to be touched, where, how much pressure, etc etc...don't ramble it off like a grocery list. Tell him how much you enjoy yourself when he makes love to you and that you want to try another variation with him.

To basically sit someone down and talk about sexual satisfaction can be a blow to anyone's ego and they'll end up becoming defensive.

Reply to emma
Posted by: Twanette | 2004/12/06

Soos ek reeds gesê het berading is uit! Hy stel doodeenvoudig nie belang nie, en waar begin ek om met hom te praat!

Laas toe ons gepraat het, het hy gesê hy wil nie elke sukkel as ons seks het nie en beslis ook nie elke aand nie!

Dis nie wat ek wou hê nie ek wil net bevredig word, soos hy bevredig word!

Reply to Twanette
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/06

No-no... I was just trying to tell you that if the communication channel & intimacy level is non-existant then you don't have many options available to you.
Your satisfaction is important to you, so that makes it important. Oh & who says that one or the other person should be the problem? Can't you just have differing attitudes towards certain issues? That does not make you a problem, you just want something more or less differently.
Maybe you could weigh all your options against each other then see what you maybe prepared to live without.
T, could it not be that maybe you're trying too hard for satisfaction that you wouldn't know if it was actually happening. Sometimes we have concept of what should be in our mind, & because we have this concept then we look for signs towards that tendency. We each have our own likes & dislikes in this avenue.
I would like to suggest that next time you guys get anywhere near any level of intimacy that you let it happen. Know that it is him & not something you'd like it to be. Then the closer you get, casually suggest to him that he does this or that or would he like it if you do this or that to him... what have you got to lose at this point....?
Talking is very important T, you cannot allow this to break down coz it gives you the oppportunity to get to what you want to, for him & you.
Also, how can you guys do things together but not communicate?

Don't despair T, you know what they say, where there's a will, there's a way...


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: lulu | 2004/12/06

Jy sal moet vasbyt en PRAAT met hom, Twanette, of julle gaan dit nie maak nie. Wat van berading? Hy sal sekerlik jou nie kwalik neem as jy dit voorstel nie? Wil hy jou nie gelukkig maak nie?

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Twanette | 2004/12/06

We enjoy doing things together, I think I am the problem.

He is very happy and it does not seem like anything is bothering him.

I am always the one that is not satisfied with something or the other.

Sean, we have only been together a year and I keep on hoping that in time everything will get better, the communication and the intimacy, maybe I am living in a fools paradise!

How can I suggest to you what to do if i don't even know myself?!?!

Reply to Twanette
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/12/06

Hi T,

Sorry, but if I'm missing something out here, please don't hesitate to remind me... But how can one have a wonderful relationship when there is no communication & no intimacy???
Communcation enables 2 or more people to get to know & understand each other. Intimacy to my knowledge is a further communication style but without many words, instead using one's actions & intentions to show your feelings.
I would like to ask you, if I was in this situation, & seeing as there doesn't seem to be much options available at trying to move forward here, what would you suggest I do???


Reply to Shaun

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