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Question
Posted by: Hurt & confused | 2003/12/12

Decisions

I have a few problems regarding my relationship-Its really complicated! My boyfriend & I have been together for a 4 years now. We have had a pretty complicated relationship! My Father has a mental illness & I live with him-its not easy-he is violent & moody & he doesn't allow my boyfriend to vist me- So I go to his place. He is renting an apartment (1 bedroom) & his sister lives with him. We all get along alright I spose. For almost a year now I have been able to spend the weekend there as well as stay over once or twice per week & visit during the week after work without any problems. Recently however the landlord has sent a letter of notice saying that iether his sister must move out or I must stop staying over on weekends & I can only visit 3 times per week from 5pm-7pm. I don't understand why he suddenly changed his rules! My boyfriend has NEVER missed his rent, we don't cause trouble, we don';t make noise-we have done nothing wrong & yet he has changed his policy! His sister now gets into a huff when she sees me & "Goes for a walk". My boyfriend says she is angry because she says my visiting him could get them evicted & she resents it when I visit him! But if he can't come to see me & I can't visit him but for 2 hours 3 days a week then where does that leave us?
My boyfriend also had a child with someone else (the child is 8 years old) but the mother had custody & they have only recently returned home after being overseas for the past 5 years So he is getting to see his son again. The thing his ex comes with on the childs visits (Which I suppose is necissary at least till his son is comfortable with him again & can see him on his own) But I have the sucpision she wants to get back together with him. She calls him & SMSs him & asks him to come over to her place & Fix "this or that"-I go with of course & you should see her face fall when she sees me! She is totally dissmissive to me as well! I am unable to have children & she keeps making snide remarks like "We made such a beautiful child-its a shame you will never have the chance to do the same with {boyfriends name}-in fact you'll never even know what its like to be pregnant or give birth-what a pity" Of course she daren't say this in front of him so when I tell him she has said these things he doesn't believe me!! She even asked my boyfriend if he remembers how their son was concieved-where they were, that they were drunk & couldn't keep their hands off of each other-Its rediculous!!! Now he has cheated on me once before in the past (He only kissed someone but it still grated me!) & we broke up for 2 months & then got back together so the trust thing is a little shaky at the moment-Then there is the thing with the landlord & now his ex is back. I just feel like I am getting all these signs that I should give up & leave. Things between us have been going so well (Up until the thing with his Landlord & his ex I mean). We had been discussing going on holiday (Which has now been put off because he wants to see his son over christmas-which I spose is fine). We were talking about our future-but thats just seemed to have colapsed down around us now. Everything has changed. I've talked to him about getting our own place or a bigger (2 bedroomed) apartment but we can't afford it & there is no way he can visit me at my place-I regarded his place a s my sanctuary-the place I went to get away from my dad. I don't have that luxuary anymore-So when will we see each other? And will his ex choose this time to make her move on him? How do I talk to himabout this rationally without sounding paranoid, selfish & jealous !?!

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Our expert says:
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Deat H&C,
Boy o boy you were right, it certainly is complicated ! And people say the plots of soap operas are unrealistic ? I hear your dilemma. It sounds as if there are good reasons for an ongoing rethinking of the relationship ; yes, the arrival of his Ex with her viciously cruel comments to you ( he ought to take your complaints seriously ) , etc., all give reason to wonder whether this difficult relationship has more value than its cost, especially as there sounds like no early possibility of improvement in the structural difficulties.
Whether the landlord is right to complain, he is probably well within his rights, I suppose, but that's a legal issue. Isn't it practical for your bf to look for another apartment, at around the same price, with a more cheerful or disinterested landlord ? I dont suppose it's possible ( the timing of events isn't clear in your long message ) that the ex might have had a word with the landlord, is it ?
As you know, "paranoid, selfish and jealous" doesn't lie purely in the content of what you say, but in the way you say it, and it could be possible to raise all these concerns, in sadness and peacefully, without sounding unreasonable.

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