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Posted by: thandi | 2003/03/06

Death of my soulmate

I am 27 ,have been mrried for 2 yrs, in December my husband had a car accident and was killed instantly.I am in deep pain and always angry but i don't know who should i be angry with.I guess i need help pls on how do i go on,what is it that i have to do that will take the pain away.I am still alive for the sake of our 7 yr old daughter i try to smile among friends and at home but inside i am dying.Pls help me i am attending counselling but at this stage there is no difference.thanx

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Thandi,
I am really sorry to hear about your grief. Counselling should help, but the amount of work. of grief work, one has to do, takes time, and December is still recent. Part of the problem in a tragic accidental death is that one has so many reasons to feel furious, with, usually, no-one who obviously deserves all that anger, You might on the one hand feel furious at your husband for dying and leaving you ; and on the other hand, feel awful about feeling that way. Continue your work with the counsellor, and be sure to raise all these points with him/her. It may feel impossible now, but this period of feeling so awful, will pass. And a time will come, befoe too long, when you will be able to resume your life fully, and remember him with happiness, rather than purely with anger and grief.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Thandi | 2003/03/21

Thank ypu again i will definitely try that,if you have any suggestions i would appreciate it .thank you again a lot.All the best to you.

Reply to Thandi
Posted by: LERATO | 2003/03/14

Thandi, I hope you are working on your grief. I just wanted to let you know that I ordered some good books from Amazon, dealing with a host of issues on grief. I found two good ones for the children and for widowhood. Would urge you to look around for good books on the subject, over and above getting help from your therapist.

Goodluck.

Reply to LERATO
Posted by: thandi | 2003/03/07

I can never thank you enough Lerato ,Zeena and Cybershrink.Reading your responses makes me feel that someone cares and has an idea of what i'm going through.Thank you.

Reply to thandi
Posted by: Zeena | 2003/03/07

Dearest Thandi -- and Lerato ... The worst thing is, in bereavement, that only YOU know how you really feel. People feel sorry for you, sure, but sometimes make the most awful remarks, like "You should be over it now". That is rubbish. Everyone takes his own time to get over deep grief. Grief is like hills and valleys: in the beginning, where you are now, Thandi, you struggle uphill most of the time. It is extremely lonely where you are now, and no-one can help. The worst of grief is not that you can bear it, but that you MUST bear it. I know, I've been there.

I don't know whether, even though I have gone through it myself, have words of consolation for you. I can say, because it is true, that life does not stop at death. Your beloved is somewhere, (call it Heaven) and one day you will see him again. Sometimes, when your grief is not overpowering all other feelings, you might feel him close to you. Love can never be parted. Energy (all life) cannot be destroyed. There are other dimensions, where our loved ones live on, in a far better world than this is. Look up at the stars at night, and talk to your beloved. He will hear you.

It is all right be angry. It is normal to be angry at God. But somewhere in the future you both will find that the hills and valleys of grief become lower and lower -- the times of grief are shorter, and the times of feeling normal again become longer.

Forgive people who say silly things to you, like "Time heals all things" or quote Bible verses at you. It's because they don't know what to say to you.

Another belief that I have found in my desperate search of why, why, why ... is that the time of our death is probably pre-ordained, that even before birth we know subconsciously when we are going to die. I don't know if it is true, but I myself have found it easier to accept death IF I could accept that the death was meant to be. (NO, we do not understand why, and we won't, in this life).

Please be as strong as possible, for if you overcome this time in your life, you will be strong forever. And of course there are the children ... May you find peace, at some time in the future. With love. Z

Reply to Zeena
Posted by: LERATO | 2003/03/06

Dear Thandi,

My husband also just passed on in midFebruary, after a short illness. Sometimes I feel lucky that I had a chance to see and nurse him in hospital and was with him up to his last moment in our world. However, I also feel a mixture of emotions (pain, anger, guilt, disbelief and sometimes peace). I am looking for a good bereavement counsellor. I know and have said this to other people before, that time heals, but leaving one day at a time seems to be more dificult these days. I want to scream when I see my children and ask the question why have they been robbed of a daddy. I feel like asking my hsuband why did you throw in the towel and accept death. At the sametime, I do not know and will never understand the pain he suffered and it is at such times that I feel God had mercy on him and I should let go. I hope we will both find peace one day. One way I find peace with myself is to allow myself to feel the feelings that come up. I keep hearing people say take care of yourself and in the same breath I am told, be strong for the children. I just feel my feelings and watch how my children are coping with this. They are wonderful teachers, and when we all feel a moment of sadness we cry and talk about it. I know we are still a long way, but maybe this will help. Goodluck.

Reply to LERATO

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