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Question
Posted by: Rav001 | 2005/01/12

Death

My mom recently lost het mother and has seemed to have gone into this dark place where we cannot reach her. She and her mother were very close as my mom spent 24/7 with her and was with her when she died. They became each others life line and it is like she has lost a limb never mind the will too go on.

She takes very little interest in life and just exisists from day to day. In feb it will be her one year ann since my grans death and already I can see her becoming edgie and depressed and I have no idea what to do. We have always had a close relationship and even though I miss my gran tons I miss my mom more.

I have tried to talk to her and I talk lots about my gran with her so that she knows she is not forgotten and is still loved. Is this wrong should I rather not mention her. How do I cope through this period as I also have touches of severe depression (had a little one 7 months ago) and how do I help her. She refuses to go and see someone she says how can someone else know her pain and how to deal with it as they are not in her mind and body. This is also ripping my family apart as other members cannot understand how she can grieve so deeply while they take the attitude "forget the dead life is for the living"
Please help as it is getting harder and harder to cope.

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Our expert says:
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Try to find a local grief counsellor, or just a good local counsellor experienced in dealing with grief. In the situation you describe, there can be an Anniversary reaction to the loss of her mom, and stuill unresolved grief, needing to be worked through. here is no value to not mentioning her mom, so you've been doing the right thing. Encourage her to see a counsellor --- the counsellor doesn't need to "know her pain" in a direct way, any more than a surgeon needs to have a painful broken leg in order to help set your own broken leg. But most counsellors have had their own experience of the pain of loss, too. Generally, by a year after, the grief would have started to lift, but this is an average, and for some very normal people it takes longer. MY pal Colin Murray-Parkes wrote one of the best books on grief and bereavement, which should still be available in paperback.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angel | 2005/01/12

Sorry my spelling is up to $%%&^%# today :)

Angel

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Angel | 2005/01/12

Hallo Ice,

I was not in a talking mood earlier today as I have so much work and I'm stressed out for my exam coming up soon very soon!!! .But feeling better now and a bot more relaxed!!!

Hoe r u ? I nevr c u complain but u always have such good advice thnx u r a friend indeed !!!

It was hard to tell my mom to stop being so down and stand up and start living again but I had to do it as I was falling and I needed her just to hold me and tell me everything will be ok !! Sometimes u have to be hard so that the other person can wake up and remember that she/he is not the only one suffering!!

Once again thnx for all your adevice have a fab day!!!

Angel

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Ice | 2005/01/12

That's very brave of you Angel, and it's probably about the best thing you could do or say.

Reply to Ice
Posted by: Angel | 2005/01/12

Hi there,

I lost my brother 3yrs ago and we are still in pain of loosing the most beatifull person I ever knew. Your mom is going thrue a difficult time as mine did to, my mom also with drew her from everything and everyone and all I did was listen and when she wants to cry let her cry or scream or what ever. what I did was I made sure that when it is the day he died or his birthday or special days I will take my mom somewhere where she will be so busy that she will just forget about the pain and it works. I remember the one day I was so tired I just could not take it anymore as I dont like seeing my mom cry etc. (i love het to bits) I went up to her and said mommy remember you still have me and you will have to become strong for me again as I need you to!!! and everything changed as she realised that I did not have time to grieve and cry etc. because I had to carry her and my dad and my aunt (my cousin died with my brother) and everything just started getting to much for me. I Had to be strong for everyone!! (not a good idea) Don't let this break you as you need support to and you need a big HUG from your mom I know the feeling . Talk to her and let her know that u r there but you also need her to b there 4 u !

Well I hope it help and all of the best will pray for you.

Angel

Reply to Angel
Posted by: G | 2005/01/12

rav001
There are several phases that people go through with the death of a loved one you can get info from a good book shop or search the net you will find out a whole lot about how to handle your mom hope this helps

Reply to G
Posted by: Ice | 2005/01/12

Hi Rav,

Sorry for your loss (and for your mom)
althought all I can say is basically maybe it's a good thing that it's almost a year. A reply the CS Doc posted the other day reminds me of something I heard a long time ago.
It's about something that happens approximately one year after we have experience severe loss or trauma, it's like somehow we start working our way through it, some kind of change takes place anyway, I can't remember exactly what (CS will be able to tell you)

but from my side, it's great that you've supported her so much, obviously she needed to grieve, but there comes a time too when she must "come back", afterall she didn't "die" along with your granmother, and there is so much more to life that one can enjoy and experience...

all the best for you and your mother, and come here anytime you need a couple of listening ears.

Reply to Ice
Posted by: Inc | 2005/01/12

RAv001

People deal with pain and death in different ways. Let your mom deal with her loss as she sees fit. It is frustrating for you to watch her withdraw, but she needs this. In time, she will start coming back to normal things. Just give her time to go through the motions.

Reply to Inc

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