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Question
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/03/12

Death

Over 12 yrs ago, my mom committed suicide. I was a little kid who came home to discover my mom in a pool of blood on the floor. I have never forgotten the images in my mind and till this day, I still cry when i think of her and I get really emotional. My dad use to abuse her and I use to pray to God that he would take her away from this misery. I was really small when i prayed for this and always regret being so small at the time where I could not really help my mother. I am now in my mid 20's a successful professional. My fiance use to abuse me but I put my foot down and he has now reformed. I have tried to commit suicide twice though regret that I had allowed people to push me to my wits ends. I will never try it again. With everything that has happened in my life, I am still the friend u would really want to have, but I wont let anyone get close to my heart again. My fiance displays a geniune love for me and I have a problem recipricating or if i do recipricate, it is sometime phony. He is now pushing for marriage which i have prolonged for a year with excuses. I dont know y! Every time i think of marriage, I think that maybe there is somebody else out there for me. I am just so emotionally sensitive that small things can bug me. I have friends and family who love me but i am just not happy with myself. I do love my fiance and he makes such efforts to make me happy. He has shown such signs of reformation but I just dont know what I want in life anymore? I keep thinking of my mom and I keep thinking of the people who have let me down in life and then I just wait for the next time a failure occurs in life. Its like a pessimistic approach. Please, if anyone out there can correlate these thoughts, pls help me!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Nicki,
So sorry to hear of your horrible experience. As people think of suicide, they often delude themselves that "this will be the best thing for my family / friends/ children" and it never is. And with an abusive father, you grew up expecting nothing much good from men especially when they were husbands. So at some level you might dread that if your fiancee became your husband, he'd start to behave like your Dad. But surely by now, you know him well enough to know whether that is in fact likely to happen in the future ? He used to be abusive, but you say he has reformed --- has that been convincing ?
You have been so badly let down by people you ought to have been able to trust, that clearly trust is now hard for you to get into perspective.
It does sound as if you really deserve to see a shrink, to unpack all the major emotional bagage you have been carrying round, and re-pack it in your archives, rather than allowing it to actively influence your daily life detrimentally.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/03/15

Hi Nicki

Can you please contact me via e-mail

romantic 2 coach @ y a h o o dot com

Reply to Romantic coach
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/03/15

Thank u once again Romantic Coach
I would appreciate if u could recomment someone, I am based in JHB, Midrand.

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/03/12

Nicki, seeking professional help does not mean that you are not strong. Going for the help is a big step. You are even stronger because you have identified that you cannot deal with this situation on your own and that you need to get assistance. Please go and see someone. I'm not sure where you are but I can recommend someone in your area. Just let me know where you are. My job gives me access to medical practitioners, the best in the country. Let me know, please.

Take care of yourself, now you hear?

Reply to Romantic coach
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/03/12

Thank u Romantic Coach
And thank u for the hug
I am also my daddys little baby. I dont know y my dad hit my mom. I cant remember. The only things that I remembered are the images of him hitting her that are engraved into my memory. She was this loving, passive wonderful woman with a heart of gold and I still miss her so much but my family does not talk abt her as we come from an orthodox environment where her name is taboo. My father raised us and he had to play both parents and he did do a good job but the older I am getting, the more difficulty I am finding to come to grips with my emotions. Whenever I think of her, it just brings tears to my eyes. Yes i know that I have get over it, but knowing and being able to do are two different things.

I know that i need to seek professional help, I guess I was bluffing myself into believing that I was strong enough. Believe me I am strong, but I just cant handle it anymore. I guess it just has taken its toll on me. I am so scared that the man who wants to marry me is going to abuse me again or is going to end up like my father. How does one really know? How do u tell a person that u r scared of them and dont want to get married right now! I know his reaction "He will say that its over and leave because its my insecurity and I need to deal with it".

I have realised one thing thus far in life, the older I get, the tougher life gets. Working and paying the bills are the easy part in it.

Take care of that little girl of urs. Give her lots of love.
Thank u once again

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/03/12

Hi Nicki
- I wish I could just give you a hug. And hold on so tight. And I just wish that that hug could make everything that you're struggling with, go away.

I think that it is quite normal for you to be afraid of marriage. After all your role model was not the greatest. Children are supposed to look at their parents, their relationship and base their own futures on that. My daughter is convinced that she is going to marry me one day. That makes me feel great.

You're afraid that your fiance might become what your dad was and that it would lead to what your mom had to endure especially because he has already shown those tendencies.

Somebody I chatted to recently told me that the man she married was exactly light the verbal abusive father she had.

But suicide is not the way out. And I'm really sorry to hear what you had to see and what you have been through since then. You tell us of your friends and what they mean to you. You have the support base and you have a fiance that wants to try. But I think that you are right at this stage to hold back on getting married. Emotionally you are not ready and until you have dealt with your past and specifically your mom's death and what lead to that, you're not ready. And you need to discuss this to the point with your fiance.

Be straight with him. Tell him as it is. Tell him what you're feeling. Tell him why you are not ready to get married and if he loves you, he'll be patient with you and help you through all of this.

Something that you didn't mention was professional help. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? I believe that a psychiatrist will assist with putting things into perspective for you and also assist with dealing with the past. I know that in your chronic situation it is not easy to DEAL with it, GET OVE it, and MOVE ON. But that's the just of what needs to happen here. You need to walk forward and not backwards. Walk forward and look over your shoulder from time to time just to learn from the past. Not to dwell on it.

It's fine that you think of your mom. After all you loved her dearly didn't you? It's okay to remember our loved ones. But we have to move on.

Remember this when someone let's you down again...

SNIOP - Susceptible to the Negative Influences of Other People

Do not allow other people to dictate your life. You know what you want and you need to go out there and get it.

You're young, you have a professional career ahead of you and you're beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you.

And I so bady want to give u a BEEEEEGGGGG HUG.

I hope that something in what I have said here helps.

God Bless you.

Reply to Romantic coach

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