Our expert says:
So sorry to hear of your horrible experience. As people think of suicide, they often delude themselves that "this will be the best thing for my family / friends/ children" and it never is. And with an abusive father, you grew up expecting nothing much good from men especially when they were husbands. So at some level you might dread that if your fiancee became your husband, he'd start to behave like your Dad. But surely by now, you know him well enough to know whether that is in fact likely to happen in the future ? He used to be abusive, but you say he has reformed --- has that been convincing ?
You have been so badly let down by people you ought to have been able to trust, that clearly trust is now hard for you to get into perspective.
It does sound as if you really deserve to see a shrink, to unpack all the major emotional bagage you have been carrying round, and re-pack it in your archives, rather than allowing it to actively influence your daily life detrimentally.
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