Posted by: Let me be | 2006/04/19

Dear expert,

I considered to be a surrogate mother to a very good friend of mine. I've signed the contract, am on the meds and IVF takes place next month......

Now I've met the most wonderful woman and she said that she will leave me if I go through with this...what should I do? I can not break my promise to my friend but do not want to loose this wonderful woman. Please don't tell me that, if she really loved me she will stay with me regardless.....I understand why she does not want me to do this.....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Let Me Be, welcome and thanks for your very post which has generated diverse responses. However I'd like some more info, so please post again and answer the question - why does she not want you to this? You say you understand her reasons and I'm curious what these are - how do these reasons impact on her, on you, on your friend and on the child? Also, what does your contract with your friend say about your deciding not to go through with the process?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Thoughtful | 2006/04/20

This is one of those "Feel-good Stories" with a wonderful ending. I am so chuffed that you've decided to go through with your initial decision.

Gareth, you said it so eloquently - I too wish that I had a friend who would offer me the gift of life. Deep down I too, yearn to be a father and hope that one day that wish will come true.

I become so disillusioned with the superficial friendships we attach ourselves to - often at the expense of our own spirit. Over the last few months, being on my own has been hell, but also so enriching as I was forced to confront to many of the issues I struggle with and to make sense of my own journey, and the prospect of single life after the termination of my relationship.

I realised that there are times when I was more infatuated with wanting a relationship - that I was prepared to sacrifice so much of myself (and then one is so open to start blaming the other party and play the victim). I look forward to the day someone sweeps me off my feet and is prepared to go all the way to the very end - but until that day, I'll be satisfied with savouring every experience that I'm blessed with.

So, my friend, I wish you all the best in what lies ahead - you've truly restored my faith that there are people out there who are prepared to risk loving - and sharing that love unselfishly.

Reply to Thoughtful
Posted by: Gareth | 2006/04/20

Well done, Let Me Be, for sticking to your initial decision. I agree wholeheartedly with Thoughtful. Relationships, in some sense should be "selfish" and we people always get it wrong. We easily give up our hopes and dreams and believes and values because we were taught that in a relationship it is all about making the other person happy. Most people lose themselves in the process, and it is then, when you rebel against yourself that a relationship goes down the drain. You should always make yourself happy FIRST. Because if you are happy, you can make someone else happy. A relationship is two different people being together. That means you do compromise, but never at your cost only, and at the advantage of the other person. A compromise is something that you decide on together, that makes BOTH of you happy, or is the best sollution for BOTH of you.

As you said, it would be wrong to go back on your word and the whole process. It is unfair of her to set this kind of condition. "If you do not do what I want and what I believe, I will leave you". That can NEVER be healthy for any relationship. She needs to respect your decision, seeing that it was made before you met, but even if it wasn't, if you believe you are doing the right thing, she should support that, and if she can't, learn to accept and respect that it is your life and decision.

Personally I think it is a VERY honerable thing to do, giving someone something so special that they could never get on their own. I somethimes wish that I could meet someone like you. Willing to so selflessly offer herself to give a friend such a gift. I would also have liked to have kids, and I think that is the only thing I really hate about being gay. As for the rest, if I could choose all over, I want to be gay again. But that is something I have learnt to accept, with a vague hope that one day, when the time is right, someone like you cross my path and give me that wonderful gift.

I take my hat of to you and I wish you all the best.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Let me be | 2006/04/20

Dear expert, Nikki, Weaver and thoughtful


You are right, I've made the decision long before I've met her, but I was wrong not to inform her when we met and I did not tell her for 2 months anything of my plans (because I was afraid of loosing her).

If you read my posting you will see that I said "I CAN NOT BREAK MY PROMISE TO MY FRIEND!" Morally, ethically and just freakin because that would be wrong. I wanted help on how to handle the situation with my girlfriend not help on how to get out of contract!

Your posting I've appreciated. You really did knock the nail on the head...I've probably lost the plot! And what quarentees do I have that she will be FOREVER? I think that was the difference: OUR BELIEVE SYSTEMS. I believe that I am doing the right thing and she believes that it is an evil thing I'm doing.

Dear expert,
Thanks for the support. I've decided that she should go if she can not stick with my decision...there is no way I am backing out of my promise to my friend.

Reply to Let me be
Posted by: Thoughtful | 2006/04/19

What is it about us that we are so inwanted of approval and acceptance from someone who is romantically interested in us (huge generalisation, but true)??? We so easily give up on our values, standards, our dreams, our aspirations and our chosen journeys when somebody else becomes a part of our equation. We totally lose the plot.

Relationships are not about taking on the other's personality, value system, insecurities and perspective on life - it's about shared experiences and finding a common road, enhancing and embracing the other.

You must have looked at all the variables of this life-changing decision before you concented to doing this. You have consulted and you have signed legal documents - a decision that was not easily reached. I would have hoped that this was an informed decision.
If the above is not true for you, then it appears you had doubts in the beginning and therefore now, you are so easily swayed.

What guarantees do you have that this woman will be there for you for the rest of your life?? Giving new life and offering someone else the opportunity is a huge step, and a life-altering choice - one that will give you joy for the rest of your life.

I would urge you to consider this - and I would hope that your new-found lover will give you all the support that you need, so that whatever you decide to do, will be based on YOUR values, YOUR insights and YOUR belief system. By saying "YOUR" may come across as being selfish - but you would have never considered this in the first place when you were on your own if this was not important to you. To be forced to give that up will be very selfish on the part of the new woman in your life.

Good luck.

Reply to Thoughtful
Posted by: weaver | 2006/04/19

The fact that you are considering changing your mind just because you have met someone, shows that maybe the prospective parents made a mistake in choosing you as their surrogate mother. You obviously have no idea how devastating it is going to be for them if you back out now. On the other hand you will probably also want to back out of the deal when you are eight months pregnant. Maybe it is best for them to start looking for someone else that's more together.

Reply to weaver
Posted by: Nikki | 2006/04/19

Hi, my sents worth .........

No sure what is so wonderful about her if she cannot respect the decissions you have made BEFORE you met her.

Would she also leave you if you had a pink teddy bear as a child and she doesnt like pink teddy's ???

Can I suggest you seek another REAL wonderful woman.

Reply to Nikki

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