Our expert says:
This sounds like one of the many varieties of complex grief, and to involve using Denial ( which can, as you discovered, be a fragile defense ) to avoid deep-felt grief whioch one hasn't completed working through. And you describe, tellingly, a sadly common response, in which, trying to protect ourselves from the pain of grief at losing someone one loves, one instead protects oneself from truly enjoying available love itself. YOu definitely need to see a good local grief counsellor / therapist, possibly of the CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) fgormat. Run a mile from anyone of the analytic persuasion, as they would only make things worse ) -- as you could really be helped, to work through these unresolved aspects of grief, to come to terms with your sister's death, and the eventual death of others, and hopefully in time to be able to contribute more love to the final months or years of your gran, rather than denying her and yourself of that. By writing this insightful message, you have established that you are ready to move on to this important task
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