Posted by: Blue | 2008/05/30

Dealing with Grief

Hello CyberShrink,
Was wondering if you could help/advice me. Ten years ago my sister died in a carcrash, she and 3 friends on new year (she was 22, I was 21). After this happened I could not stop crying (we were very close). I just cried hours and hours every day. This went on for about 6 or so months. I think at that point people tried to encourage me to stop grieving... So I tried and never after that cried again... It is 10 years later now... I try to never think about her and managed to try and forget special days... Last time I went to visit my parents, we were at a restaurant or something... My mother mentioned something about her and suddenly this mixture of emotions came up... I just smiled and said nothing, but inside I was SO angry that she mentioned her name and at the same time I wanted to burst out in tears... Tonight we watched a sad movie and I could not stop crying after I started to think about her again... Why is it so hard for me to deal with this? How do I get over this? It is affecting my life even though I supress and deny my emotions about this... One thing I know is that I never after her death ever allowed anyone to get that close to me... I am married now for 3 years and I dont even allow my husband to be as close to me as my sister was, just scared that he might die and that I will not be able to hadle it... Also, my granny is very very very sick and I dont visit her, cause I am scared she might die... I know its wrong and I know all the logic, it is just that I really battle with it... I did visit her a few times in the beginning, but just thought up excuses for not seeing her this last while (months)... Dr is there hope for me to get over this, or should I just make peace that that is life? Thanks Doc...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds like one of the many varieties of complex grief, and to involve using Denial ( which can, as you discovered, be a fragile defense ) to avoid deep-felt grief whioch one hasn't completed working through. And you describe, tellingly, a sadly common response, in which, trying to protect ourselves from the pain of grief at losing someone one loves, one instead protects oneself from truly enjoying available love itself. YOu definitely need to see a good local grief counsellor / therapist, possibly of the CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) fgormat. Run a mile from anyone of the analytic persuasion, as they would only make things worse ) -- as you could really be helped, to work through these unresolved aspects of grief, to come to terms with your sister's death, and the eventual death of others, and hopefully in time to be able to contribute more love to the final months or years of your gran, rather than denying her and yourself of that. By writing this insightful message, you have established that you are ready to move on to this important task

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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