Posted by: butrcup | 2007/08/13

dealing with divorce

hey im a 20 yr old female.
my parents got divorced wen i was 17, my dad was already seeing some1 and got married a yr after that. because of the divorce my parents had to sell the house and my mom moved in with her boyfriend (her fiance now). he drinks a lot!

my mom deserves to be happy because she never got it from my dad. so i decided to move to my dad in jhb. my mom in cpt. that was the stupidest thing i could do. but i cant stand my step dad.

my step mom has a 10 yr old girl. she is so spoild! my dad must do everything 4 her. small things he never did 4 me... he was never there 4 me. i dunno how to deal wit that.

i stayd wit my dad from 2005 and moved back to cpt last yr oct....
because i couldnt live with my step mom anymore. they gaveme everthing i want (flat, paid cellphone, food, entertainment) i didnt have to work. but i didnt feel love.

my mom cant give me everything i want but she gives me everything i need. my problems is just that...

never in my life has my dad stood up 4 me, even now my step mom decides everything. i never had a dad figure in my life. im very hurt inside but never shows it. im also in a relationship with a girl at the moment ( which my mom doesnt accepts)

i really need some help

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Our expert says:
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Love beats a paid cellphone every time ! And sometimes, though its sad for the firstborn to witness, moms andf even dads may learn something from their mistakes the first time round, and deal with a later child rather better

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Our users say:
Posted by: butrcup | 2007/08/14

wow thanx a lot 4 all ur help!
feel so much better talking to some1! hope i can get in contact with u guys again.

take care

Reply to butrcup
Posted by: No-Name | 2007/08/13

Ah! There's something that bothers you and maybe you need to talk about it more often and more deepe: your relationship with this woman. That is the first part of my contribution here.

All these other things are just scapegoats for you. Hear me out here. I know that your parents and their fights, divorce, affiars, remarrying, step-moms etc have a lot of effect on your upbringing and who you are. I am also saying that be as it may, those can not be entirely the right to be treated in this context.

My suspision is that you have issues with your dad not standing up or being there to stand up against your mom's rejecting your newly found love - girlfriend. That is what triggers your anger and resentment now.

I am a sucker for deep therapy; by this I mean dealing with the root cause of whatever problem or challenge or issue we are going through at a particular given moment. Now socialisation and upbringing, values are often the root cause. Which is where your parents , their divorce etc come in.

However, right now you are blaming your dad and mom for their divorce and their post-divorce choices etc and that your dad was never there for you. At the end you mentions that:
"in a relationship with a girl at the moment ( which my mom doesnt accepts) ".

I tell you this is what triggers everything.

Now I therefore, would like you to then seek help for the right issue. And I am saying to you that the issue is the fact that your mother does not accept your lesbian relationship - for whatever reasons of her own.

I could be wrong here; I would be very unhappy if I turn out to be TELLING:)

My second part of the contribution is that of the divorce:

1. you are unhappy about your choice of moving in with dad
2. you are not happy with dad giving the 10 year old daughter all the love (compared to the love you say you never got - he was never there for you you say; You never had a dad figure in your life)
3. you couldn't live with step mom
4. You did not feel love
5. you have a problem with your mom being able to give you only what is necessary
6. You never show how hurt you are

Let me say that I see you as though you are somebody that is growing up at this stage of your life. You are reflecting on life and asking difficult questions about yourself.

The challenge with this process is that it becomes so scary as things that trigger it often seem very huge for our imagination and we then automatically start to blame others. That is often the easiest way out, blame it to step mom, blame it to my spouse, blame it to dad.

This process or phase, we need to realize, is giving us an opportunity to reflect, get to know ourselves and to improve ourselves. Yet we blame others and look for all the negatives just to blame.

Your dad is giving some love to a 10 year old. Maybe let us grant you he never gave the same to you (I am not sure how sincere that would be, could it be because you are in this space now? Otherwise why would you have chosen him over the mother and her fiance?). However, given that he never did, why would he pay for a flat, paid cellphone, food, entertainment such that you felt that you didnt have to work for you? Is that not how they express their love for you?

Again, I have come to learn that people can complain to the highest level about love, if they do not know or cannot define what love means according to themselves. Maybe you ned to pay attention to yourself and learn to pleasure yourself instead of leaving it to other to decide to give you love their own chosen way. You must teach people how they should treat you. You will never know what to teach them if you do not know how to love and be loved yourself. Love is about reciprocation; you cannot reciprocate something that you do not have. If you do not have love - love for yourself, you cannot give love - this explains most of what you spoke about. You father could have loved you little maybe because your parents were fighting a lot, therefore had no love to share even to you. Maybe he is getting all the love he needs from your step-mom, hence he is happy to reciprocate that to your step-sister. As children we do not know what is happeneing to our adult parents - there may have no intimacy in that marriage and all could have been there may have been hate and cold.

I am suggesting that you explore your situation further with a CBT as I found them to be the type of therapist that ask and empower you with hard questions in life that when you encounter a difficulty you can apply those.

God Bless you

Reply to No-Name
Posted by: FIO | 2007/08/13

Your mom has lost her self worth, possibly through the divorce, but also it could be something in her character from when she was a child. But I reckon being cheated on knocked her confidence, and because of her low confidence, she has chosen a man who reflects her poor self image. She deserves better, you know that, but your mom does not know that, or feel that.

Your dad it seems is doing everything he can to please this demanding woman in his life, and the best way to do it is to look after her child, better than he looked after you simply because he probably never felt he had anything to lose by not doing so. In other words, he may have taken family life for granted, but messed up through an affair. He got married, but may now realise the grass is not greener on the other side, and through his own insecurities too, is dancing around this woman to keep her happy so he doesn't get chucked out.

You see all of this happening around you, these important people in your life are so lost in their issues, and with them being lost, how can they provide you with security and comfort you need? They cant. So where is your anchor? You dont have one, because the very parents who are supposed to be your anchors are not able to be your anchors.

Nothing wrong with being involved with another woman, but try understand why you are, what you get from the relationship. Maybe understanding from a woman because you dont feel you can get it from a man, maybe this woman is like you so you both understand each other. I dont know becaus eyou've not described this person. But its not an issue.

The issue is what you need from your folks, and not getting, and also the hurt you feel seeing your folks who you admired and looked up to, respected etc, now in the situations they're in. It hurts. But its not your fault. The best thing you can do for now is just start trying to understand the dynamics, and from there you may be able to do something, to help them, to create some sense of family and security again, for all of you.

Any chance oif your folks ever getting back together again? Seems like they are both miserable and could actually do with each other in their lives again.

Reply to FIO

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