Posted by: Spark | 2009/01/30

Daughter (9) angry


I was schocked right into my core last night after my daughter got angry with me and said when she is 16 she will leave school and kill herslef, and then I will see my perfect daughter gone.

Why she said it is that she is the only child from a single mom. I said that she might get a puppy for her birthday (April) but we will see how it goes. Last night I had enough of her disrespect for me, she talks ugly, she tells me to shut-up (when I moan she says she was only playing), I have to repeat myself 5 times before she does what I ask. I just so angry with her last night that I said that she will not get a puppy for her birthday. She was so angry.

I didn' t know how to react to this, I ignored her and she hates this. she came to me later and appologised crying very hard, her whole little body shook. We did speak a little about what she said and all I could tell her that she must never do that because I can' t life without her. She said she would do anything for me because she loves me so much.

I am very worried about my little girl.

She has been sheltered as she was in a home schooling environment the last 3 years, she joined a very good public school 2/3 weeks ago. I hope it is not he kids at the school influencing her. Could it be what she sees and hears on the news / TV. I don' t let her watch violance. She does watch WWE now and then but then she know it is all pretend.

When I think of what she said, I get heart bulputations. I can' t believe my little girl would even think of something so horrible, not to mention saying it.

PLEASE I NEED YOUR ADVICE WHAT TO DO. Do i ignore it, talk to her more about it, get her a puppy for her birthday?

SOuld it maybe also to do with that we are becoming independant from my parents, as they would take and collect her from school when she was at homeschooling and spend day after day cooped up in the flat with my dad 75. Now I take and collect her from school, I am the one that gives her dinner, I am the one that does homework with her, I am the one that packs her lunch. I feel very happy about this.

Thanks for your time and please if I am being a horrible mother / doing things wrong, please I beg you tell me so I can change my ways.

Oh one more thing - I am trying to stop smoking but it is difficult and it is frustrating me. I get so worked up that she brought wet grass into the houe after my domestic maid cleaned, I turned around looked her in the eye and siad to her .... Clean your F... feet, use your commences sometimes as there is a mat. I do regret this, I did apologise to her but it hurts me so badly i can imagine what it must do to her. I really don' t mean to say things like this. I speak without thinking and regret it afterwards. I haven' t given up smoking yet. Can this have something to so with her way of talking.

Thanks for your time

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She was speaking from anger and frustration at not getting what she wants. SHe's 9, and sounds like she's become rather cocky, maybe through relaxed or non-existent discipline. All kids need structure including basic discipline, with a set of clear rules and consequences. Rules shouldn'\t become too complex, but include respect for others and politeness, and, certainly at 9, obedience to basic rules of the house including chores. I suspect one of the weaknesses with home-schooling is that one doesn't learn to modify one's behaviour and expectationsn appropriately in regard to other children and community, and that at home there isn't the structure and discupline there may be in a good school.
And now she is adjusting to the new experience of public school --- discuss this gently with her --- how is she experiencing it ?
That she apparently spontaneously came to apologise suggests that she recognized it was wrong and unkind to say such things. With major gifts like the birthday puppy, it's best not to promise first and negotiate afterwards, but to make it clear that such a gift will only occur if she behaves well, and if she takes on the chores of caring for the puppy.
Don't take too much to heart what is said in anger --- even very loving people may say horrible things when very angry, and based on whatever they think will be most hurtful, not on what they actually mean. Her threat made it clear that she recognizes how much you love her. And don't exaggerate the effect of your anger on her --- she won't be wounded for life by one nasty comment about trailing grass into a clean house. You spoke without meaning to wound, when frustrated --- so did she, and she no more meant what she said than you did.

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Our users say:
Posted by: bonitaj | 2009/01/30

Hello spark! I wish I had pages of space and time to write to you-but I have to tell you - all is NOT LOST! Your child is acting out and you have to contain her anger or she will internalize it and perhaps begin to get depression later on! You should try NOT TO MOAN (she then has to take the responsibilty for your happiness " She didn' t mean it" . etc.
YOU must take control of your own outbursts in order to show her YOU ARE THE ADULT, YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE and YES! YOU WILL LOOK AFTER HER! Do NOT get the puppy yet! That will be giving in to emotional blackmail and what look like a quickfix will only repeat itself in her behaviour next time she wants something! She is NOT A BAD kid! It has a lot to do with the environment - all kids need clear boundaries! Now you tell her nicely what is and isn' t acceptable - be it swearing, rudeness etc. and DON" T WAIT TILL YOU" RE ANGRY! ALso do not keep quiet, no wonder the poor girl is frustrated- she doesn' tknow where to turn! Please take control of this situation, read more about discipline if you have to and feel good about yourself too!
Don' t quit smoking now if you' re too stressed! First work on these issues! There' ll be a better time later!
Lots of luck and write in again if I can help!
Signed MOTHER OF 4 Teenagers and post grad Psychologist

Reply to bonitaj
Posted by: Wilma | 2009/01/30

I think change disturbs children and that may be why she' s acting up. Does your daughter have a close relationship with her grandparents? She may be upset that she doesnt see them so often anymore. She may also be having a hard time adapting to normal school. Maybe let her have a friend over one day during the week, and speak to the teachers at school and she how she' s getting on.

Reply to Wilma

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