Posted by: Miliano | 2007/08/14

Dark Past!

Hi Doc

I was involved with a girl for 2 yrs and found out she cheated on me & it was over. 7 months later a met a 22yr girl and we hit it off very well. She was very honest with me from the beggining, and told me about guys who stalked her and well now it is over. 3 weeks later she confided in me about her childhood and been molested at 4yrs by her uncle and further that she was sleeping around for drugs at 16 and was involved with an occult. She is now over that and got tested and is clean and is working in the community to help other like her and studying at tecnikon. My question: This is so much for me, but I do like her but I jst cant seem to get past this. It has only been 2 days since she told me and my head is driving me insane. How do I handle this?

God bless u!

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Our expert says:
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Maybe see a personal counsllor to work through your mixed reactions to this large discovery, as a first step.

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Our users say:
Posted by: aNNa | 2007/08/14

Miliano - you are not about to get married - you've just started seeing this girl. Give it some time, build a friendship - in a while you'll be able to tell whether she's genuine or not.

As for her past sullying the way you see her: if you had a childhood where no-one hurt or molested you, you're one of the lucky ones. The worst side-effect of molestation and/or abuse is how the community will shun the victim - don't make it worse by looking down on a molestation survivor.

Reply to aNNa
Posted by: Anon | 2007/08/14

Based on past experience myself, she needs sympathy/pitty to have a relationship, without it she is not getting what she wants (confuses it with love) as for how to see if this is the case, i really couldnt tell you, my answer is simple, Is she female?, if yes, run away!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anon 2 | 2007/08/14

Anon if she wanted to hook him into a relationship she'd never have told him about her tragic past.

Reply to Anon 2
Posted by: Miliano | 2007/08/14

Hi anon

You hit the right spot, how will I know if she is using me or trying to trick me into sympathy and get me this way? How does one know this? And even if I ask her she can deny it and be offended and I can loose her forever if she is honest?


Reply to Miliano
Posted by: Anon | 2007/08/14

Odd thing to think of, but are you sure she is not doing this to get your sympathy/pity and hook you into a relationship with guilt? if not, your choice, if so, run away.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Miliano | 2007/08/14

Hi all

Thank you so much!!! for your responce. i do feel she deserves a chance to find someone who will love her for who she is and not what she has gone through in the past. I know this must of been a huge step to trust me with this past and that I will with God's love try to show her that her past is in the past and that what matters is how we feel for each other now. My fear was initially, as John mentioned that her past had spoiled my perception of her, but my feelings dont change. i want to find a way to put her past behind me and focus on her now. She has no support from her father or mother. They are both divorced and well dont gv a damn. I am jst trying to pace myself without getting drawn into this web, i feel i need to remain objective so I can comfort her and also in the latter hopefully fall inlove with her.

God Bless u all for your help, and that you are here for people like us to talk to!!!

Reply to Miliano
Posted by: Hope | 2007/08/14

I agree with John. It takes alot to share our skeletons. It is amazing that she has come through so much, and you should feel lucky to be involved with someone with such strong character. The fact that she told you everything, shows that she wants to be completely honest with you. She has gained your trust and the things that happened to her made her the strong, caring person that you were attracted to. Don't ever make her feel like she was to blame for what happened to her. Offer your support and understanding, and try not to be bothered by it, because it did not happen to you. Maybe imagine what it would be like if it had. How would you expect people to treat you for things that were not your fault. Be thankful that you are in a loving, trusting, relationship, and embrace it.

Reply to Hope
Posted by: John | 2007/08/14

The girl trusts you. A lot. For her to confide the horror of being molested, her errant youth and what she did for drugs must have taken a lot of courage on her part and shows that she felt safe with you to tell you these awful things.

Of course, she could not have expected you to feel as if her past has somehow happened to YOU, given that you have reacted in the way you have. Has her past made her a lesser person? No, of course not. The fact that she has recovered from it says a heck of a lot of good things about her: it shows she is resilient, that she is imbued with hope, that she has come to terms with these awful things and that she is confident about her life. Also, that she works for the good of the community is highly commendable and shows her complete recovery.

You are either bothered about how hard life can be - molested at the age of 4, drug addict at 16 and promiscous and joining an occult and you feel this pain personally or, you feel that she is somehow stained and spoilt by her past, that she is somehow sullied and not worthy any longer.

Either way, she is deserving of your respect and attention for having survived such awful experiences. If you cannot come to terms with her past, then you need to do some introspection - and growing - for you to appreciate her hard-won victory.

Reply to John
Posted by: Ddd | 2007/08/14

why is it driving you insane Miliano? Do you want to talk about it? Exactly what is driving you insane? Talk to us...

Reply to Ddd

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