Posted by: Karabo | 2005/07/26

CyberShrink Help- sibling 13yrs in trouble


I am 28yrs old living with my sister 13yrs old doing grade 8 and our parents live far from where we live.

I caught her with a boy ( kissing) on sunday and I confronted her thinking she will deny it all but to my suprise she admitted that the guy had told her that he loves her and that she has mixed feeling about this and she told him that she doesn't know what she is feeling.

I asked her about the boy and she said he is 17yrs old attending the same school doing matric and most of the time she is home alone when I am here at work and since this I do not trust her and I am not confortable living her alone anymore.

so yesterday I went to tell our parents, my mother is as shocked as I am and my father wants to beat up the boy. and I am confused as to what I should tell her and what I shouldn't, I don't want to cause harm in the relationship that we have with my sister but I also do not want to encourage her to date at such an early age? in my culture we only should satrt dating atleast after matric 18yrs and I don't know how to handle this ? please help me

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, she should be discouraged from feeling she needs to accept kissing just because a boy says he loves her, especially as she doesn't apparently have strong feelings for him. But a 17 year-old dating and kissing a 13-year old steers very close to the criminal, as sex with someone of her age would amount to rape. Tell her that this would be criminal and get the boy into endless trouble, and that it is foolish for her to start into romantic relationships at her age when she has so many better things to do. Your culture is right, and most cultures would agree that she is far too young for dating. Maybe someone should speak to the boy's parents.
And if she hasn't received proper sex education, now is the time to start, and talk with her about not simply basic sex, but the risk of teenage pregnancy, STD and AIDS. And to remind her that once she has given in to this boy, he will probably see to it that she develops a bad reputation, and hat others will expect nothing more of her than sex.
One can't, in the end, protect a child by your own vigilence and closely watching them --- it may only make them more determined to find a way to hide what they're doing. The only hope, and it takes time, is to help them to want to behave well.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/07/26

Karabo, the age difference between your sister and this boy (at this stage) and the fact that she's only 13, is obviously a concern, but the fact that she told you everything - and didn't lie - surely makes your sister worthy of your trust? Maybe she feels that she opened her heart to you, but you betrayed her by telling your parents who is now (understably) making a big deal about it. It was after all only a kiss as I understand, surely that's not the end of the world? Be careful not to breed a relationship with her of secrecy (and ultimately rebellion), because that will inevitably lead to much heartache not only for her, but your family too. We are all raised with many expectations from our parents, but in reality we don't fulfill those expectations because of peer pressure, hormones, inquisitiveness, rebellion etc.

The number of girls in my daughters' grade (also Gr 8), who hasn't french kissed, I can honestly count on only one hand. Kissing is the least of your concerns. Children this age have "rainbow parties" and orgies, threesomes, drugs, alcohol etc. Take it easy on your sister, make sure she knows all there is to know about sex, STD's, AIDS, pregnancy, and also the long-term emotional damage that early sexual relationships can have on her. Explain to her that most boys this age will say and do anything to get her consent in having sex. But make sure that you don't break her trust, build a strong open relationship with her. I don't think there's much wrong in occasionally kissing a boy she likes - even if she is only 13!!!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: KC | 2005/07/26

I agree Purr - well i'm only 24, but i still feel that things are very different now than what they were when i was 11!

Kids are having sex at that age already. You can only do your best and try to instil values into them.

CS is right. Kids find a way to do the things they want to do! We cant be policemen and women. Their conscience has to be their guide......

Reply to KC
Posted by: Purr | 2005/07/26

I can relate to your worries.My son is also 13 years old and I've oveheard a conversation between him and his brother(11 yrs)My skin crawl when I recall this episode which happened a week ago.According to me I try my best to teach them moral values but how can I keep tabs on them 24/7.I only pray to God that when the time comes that that they will make the right choiches.Yes things surely are different than 20 years back and it scares the sh...t out of me.Look at the media,television etc. everything revolves around sex even some of the adverts on tv are very explit.We can only pray for in my teenage years there weren't so many influences from the outside.I mean we didn't even know about sex at the age of 11.What are the world coming to??

Reply to Purr
Posted by: KC | 2005/07/26

Good luck Karabo - It is not an easy path. Your heart will still break a thousand times. Especially when we take on such a motherly role with our sisters.

My sister is 16 now,,,,,,,,and i cant wait til she's older and has her own daughter. So she can see the stress she's put me through.

She is saved, but smokes and drinks now. I talk and talk. We cry together.She promises not to do it again.... but i must have hope that she will become the woman she was destined to be (the woman i want her to be...ha ha!!)!

Dont give up on your sister. Love her unconditionally. Ultimately she makes her own decisions. So just equip her with knowledge so that she can make the right one's.

Reply to KC
Posted by: Karabo | 2005/07/26

At least I am not alone in this , I am so scared for her, braking her viginity and falling preggi and maybe HIV, things are not as easy as they were when we were growing up.

to em she is still a child, yes I did expect her to reach such stages but not this early, she doesn't eat well because she is watching her weight and she is moody most of the times and now I can why and it break my heart for the road is still too long for her

thank you KC for you response,

Reply to Karabo
Posted by: KC | 2005/07/26

Went thru the same thing, though we only have an 8 year gap (my sister and i).

Kids find ways to do these things. And you dont want to encourage promiscuity at a young age, but if u suffocate her, she will rebel. They can kiss on the corner, in a toilet somewhere, anywhere, etc.

Perhaps you should speak to her. The consequences of also dating a guy that is too old for her. The consequences of sex (if the relationship leads to that). And then hope that her morals, values and what u and your parents tried to instill in her - will kick in.

Reply to KC

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