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Question
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/11/16

Cybershrink

Good day Cybershrink,
I'm a 33yr girl who is struggling with the concept of expectation. I have never been married and have no children. I have had two serious long term relationships but terminated the engagements because of an infidelity and the other due to abuse. Good on me, I can look back and say I did indeed do the right thing. I dont know if I am entering a phase or what is happening to my mindset the past year though. What I thought was a phase and that would rectify itself with time, has not happened as yet.
My standards of what is permissable and not acceptable in a relationship have been set. I honestly don't think they are unrealistic though. I dont have a specific criteria such as what his profession or physical appearance should be. I just know that honesty, faithfulness, respect and love have to be present.
I have in the meantime met quite a few men and dated extensively. However, nobody to date which does match me on all accounts. Meaning, I may enjoy the company of a man who is sporty and funny but I dont seem to find the intellectual stimulation and so it goes on. Or, I meet someone smart but who is not balanced in for eg excercising. NO winning combinations around :) I am beginning to ponder the fact that maybe I am not matchable or perhaps my emotional growth over the years is such that I can not be satisfied psychologically. Does any of this make any sense? What am I experiencing here? I would very much like to marry and procreate but NOT under desperation. I see so many relationships every where (media, real life, internet ) where it just seems so selfish and superficial. This depresses me, and as much as I hate to admit it - is having an effect on me. I am losing interest in life, faith in the human race and everthing seems to superficial. Is this normal for my age and circumstance?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Morning, Jasmine --- sounds like you're a sensible and level-headed person with a good sense of values and the wisdom not to want to compromise them. The more criteria one has, however well justified they may be, the longer it might take to find someone who meets all of them. But if your aim is to have and enjoy what those criteria represent, it's worth waiting. You don't need superficial, bad, or brief relationships ending in grief. They're easy to find, but painful and of no lasting value. Maybe you need meanwhile to get more involved in other activities --- charities and good works, sports, hobbies, gym, whatever, both to occupy your very active mind, and to improve your chances of meeting nice and like-minded people.

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