Posted by: Teecee | 2007/04/02

CS..This is killing me...

I really do not know what to do. I have been with my hubby for 9 yrs and been married for 8 yrs. I just know why I am still in this relationship. At first he used to physically assault me when we did not see eye to eye. It was so bad that I eventually applied for the court order. I would leave our house and he would beg me to come back and every time I would forgive and move back home.

At that time we had one child .He has this theory that to keep a wife, the husband must always keep his wife pregnant and he practised it. I was not allowed to use protection e.g. pill he used to hide or destroyed them and then I got pregnant with my second child. I could not do abortion because I would not have been able to live with myself and so I decided to keep my child. When she was just 6 months I was 2 months preggies and had miscarriage because we were always fighting. When she was 9 months again I discovered I was preggies again lost the baby due to stress.

After these miscarriages I decided I needed to do things that made me happy. And so I started with the wardrobe and my hubby would comment why I changed the wardrobe. Was it because I was dating someone. He has never trusted me and I told him no I am doing this for myself and so he had to teach me a lesson again he made me pregnant. I thought of the abortion but again I could not live with it and so I kept my child. You might say it takes two to tango but in my case it was not negotiable. Normally he would not ejaculate on me but when he planned his dirty games ejaculated on me. He refused to use protection to prevent unplanned pregnancies and I was not allowed to use protection.
I Have always thought that maybe with time things will change but nothing has changed. He does not physically assault me but the emotional assault is even worse. He calls me”bitch, witch, nuisance, hypocrite”all the degrading names you can imagine. He does not appreciate me as his partner looking after his children and his kids from previous relationship. I pay for their food, feels I practically do everything for this family but what do I get in return nothing. Not even on birthdays I once asked him why he has never spoilt and he said because I have not earned it.

I have been asking myself this question why am I still in this relationship .I am tired of giving my heart ,tired of trying to make this work because I feel like our relationship is one sided. I must always give and receive nothing in return. I don’t know whether I love him or I am just there because it is comfortable for the kids. I have thought about divorce but at the same I am scarred of raising my kids alone, I’m scarred that I would have failed them; financially we would survive because as it is their school fees and medical aid is paid by me. I just don’t know hat to do. I am emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I just feel like packing my clothes and leave my kids behind and just disappear but when I see their eyes I decide otherwise. I am so unhappy and also scarred at the same time.

And this thing is killing me inside because he refuse to go for counselling. What do I do.

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Our expert says:
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You are describing a chronically selfish, cruel and abusive man, who does not deserve to have any wife or children. STOP FORGIVING him for unforgiveable behaviours. I wish the idiots who roam around preaching forgiveness would themselves have experiences they would actually find difficult to forgive, and could recognize the harm and pain they keep causing to other people.
NOTHING will change with a guy like this. You cannot "make it work" one-sidedly. Divorce would not mean that you failed your kids --- continuing to live with a cruel loser like this is failing them far more. Call POWA and talk with their counsellors who specialize in the problems of abused women, and plan an escape for you and the children. Give up on the creep, and look after yourself and your kids

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Our users say:
Posted by: Britty | 2007/04/02

RMC and Dove are right in that you should be able to have contraceptives. However I don't think you are stupid maybe just so tired of everything that you can't see or think straight. There are support groups out there who will help you and surely you have family to support you as well. I am sure that Lifeline will listen to you and give you advice, try them. Leaving your kids isn't the answer either as you will later regret it but may not be able to get them back when you want to. Take care and get help for yourself and your kids - God bless.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Dove | 2007/04/02

You also being stupid, you can get the injection at the clinic free of charge and your husband does not need to know. who does he think he is, If someone treated me the way he treats you I would have left him Remember if you leave him he will have to pay child support.

Reply to Dove
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/02

Leave him

And go to the state clinic and get them to give you depo provera every three months. It is a quick shot in the backside and chances are he wont know.

You're killing yourself staying with him

Reply to RMC

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