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Question
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/31

CS need urgent advice..PLEASE

Hi CS

Thank you for your advise earlier, one more problem!

How do i explain to my parents that i want to get back together with my gf,they do not approve of her and say she is not for me. I know they want the best for me but only i know what i want and what makes me happy. I went and told them that it was over for good and now we have decided to get back together. Im 28 years old but the portuguese parents are very different and very protective over there children. I know i am old enough to make my own decisions, i have my own place etc... but i do not want to have to choose between my family and the girl i love.

Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Is it truly any of their business whether or not you choose, as an adult, to get back with your gf ? In various cultures parents get over-protective, and have difficulty knowing when they need to let go. Stick to your decision, make it clear that YOu don't want this to cause any disruption of your relationship with them, and go ahead.
Foxybrown, as usual, has a valuable response here.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pora | 2006/11/01

Hey CS and FoxyBrown

Thank you so much for the response. I got myself into this and now i need to get myself out the proper way.

Reply to Pora
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/31

May I comment on this one? You are as you say 28. Way above the age of consent. Without meaning to disrespect your parents, they need to realise it is you who will be dating/married to this girl, not them. If you have decided she makes you happy, your family must respect that. Also encouraging is the fact that you have been with her before and had a break up - and as such had time to take stock of whether you really want her in your life or not. I believe yr decision is a qualified one

You’ll have to take a very close look at exactly what it is your family doesn't like about the girl before you can hope to have any peace. It cannot be that they ‘just’ don’t like her. Find out their exact reasons then counter these reasons with all the goodness you see in this girl. Perhaps they need you to literally spell out her good points. They will never get the perfect daughter-in-law they need to realise this. They will only get one with good points.

I understand what u mean about Portuguese families. They are like African families, very involved in terms of the extended family. Who someone married is a very big deal because that girl they marry becomes your daughter, the boy they marry becomes your son. In our African culture opinions and approval are needed from far and wide; sometimes approval is needed from some uncle or aunt you last saw when you were 3!

Calmly explain that you have had good time to think about your decision and are sticking to it. Explicitly say you do not want to have to choose between them and your girl and that it is unfair of them to put you in such a position. Reassure them you will take full responsibility for your decision esp as it is a decision you insisted on. Prep your girlfriend for the initial hostility she may face from your family.

What will make them accept her over time is when they see that the woman genuinely makes you happy. Thats all any family wants, for their son to be happy. They will be forced to accept your woman if they can clearly see she is an asset and not a liability in your life.

Sometimes you just have to fight for the ones you love.

Reply to Foxybrown

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