Posted by: Bronwyn | 2008/10/01

CS and Maria?

hello there so sorry to trouble again

u will rem my post about the guy i met while i was pregnant?

I do see i need to regard myself as complete without him. But can u suggest how i begin to do this? Also how do i get rid of theburning need to know WHY he never chose me? Its the WHY which keeps me up at night, i kp asking if i was not pretty enuf, was it that i had a baby etc etc.

lastly are there any tips u can give me regardin how i shd knwo whether or not the child' s father' s return can be taken seirously. this is somone who walked out on me and told the whole world that meeting me was the worst thing that ever hapnd to him. He also said the child was def not his.

Now he says he was just immature back then.

i still feel extremely bitter. How do i knw he' s not back just bcoz he got dumped by some woman or has fallen on hard times financially? men very often come bac for very selfish reasons

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Our expert says:
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I hope it doesn't seem annoying when I keep suggesting Counselling, but, if a realistic and effective counselling method such as CBT is used, this is indeed HOW to achieve the sort of aims you are asking about. There are no quick fix simple formulas to achieve such aims, especially because it took years of negative learning, in most cases, to learn, for instance, to dislike oneself.
We can't tll you what it means that the child's father suggests he might return, as this depends on so many different factors, many unknown to you, so you couldn't even begin to tell us. Its important not to get onself stuck on insisting on an answer for questions that may be unanswerable. I suspect, for instance, that even if he were strapped to a table in a torture table and interrogated for a week, he could probably not give you an accurate answer as to WHY he left you. Surprisingly many major decisions we make in life are for a thousand reasons or none. Many actions are impulsive, and not thought-out, and the "reason" someone may devise later may have nothing to do with their actual motivations at the time. I very strongly doubt that his reasons were about you not being good enough, etc.
His actions at the time, as described, do sound immature and childish. Its unfortunate biologically that boys ( and girls ) become capable of creating babies long before they are psychologically mature enough to be capable of making such decisions wisely.
He could indeed be motivated by selfish reasons for seeking to come back, and you should be extremely cautious about accepting his invitation or the reasons he gives for it. If you want to consider going that route at all, do so gradually and cautiously, closely watching his responses and behaviours.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2008/10/01

Sometimes when someone does something bad to you, it tells you nothing about yourself and a lot about the other person. One must live with that, difficult as it may be.

Contact FAMSA or Lifeline for counselling. I agree with CS that it will be very beneficial. It' s difficult to give more advice with so little information about your life. What I would like to suggest is that you find some activities that will build your self esteem. Volunteer somewhere, learn a new skill, join a church / club etc. I know it' s difficult to find time when you' re a single parent. Try to reach out to others, make new friends and just learn to enjoy life.

Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Bronwyn | 2008/10/01

wow Cs thanks so much no ofcourse its fine i don' t mind u suggest counselling. Is there any place i can get it for free tho? I live in randburg.

i think maybe in life some questions have no answers. I might have to just accept that. I want to know why the guy i met never took me on as a gf but i think i will nevr know. But counselling can only help me move on

i will be very careful with the child' s father but am not optimistic. I am so very bitter inside, he could cry me a river and i don' t think i would be moved.

thank u so much

Reply to Bronwyn

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