Posted by: darkie bra | 2008/11/11

cross roads

I was a late bloomer (too busy chasing after my father' s livestock and doing homework) I was always the ideal child. I stayed home and did everything my parents expected me to do. Discipline was a big thing in our family. The first woman I officially dated I got pregnant. She was 17 at the time I just turned 21 yrs. My parents were so disappointed in me After all, both my parent were teachers and the model parents.
So I did the honourable thing by committing myself to this lady, even though at the time I found out she was pregnant we were ending the relationship. We quickly patched things up .I pledged to take care of her and the baby.

I grew (forced myself) to love her and all her flaws (which were major at the time) but I convinced myself that she was young and that we could grow closer and better. I worked my butt out to make this relationship work. Most of my friends questioned it in the beginning as they realized we had very little in common.
There were women I was interested before I met her but never had the guts to go for them.
The biggest of her flaws was her lack of ambition.

My parents accepted her and the child and took care of both of them. Automatically I switched to being serious, got engaged to her and married her 4yrs later since this was what my family expected from me.

And the other important aspect is that my wife knew my heart was never hers, so she made sure nobody came close to me to claim or attempt to claim that from her with the result there was always a lot of insecurities and accusations so again I dedicated my life to reassuring her. The result being not having a social life cause my wife thinks I am having affairs and stuff. The guilt trips and accusations got the really bad at times. But I let them go for the sake of my family and peace. I now so fed up with everything I really don' t know what to do. The accusation and the fact that I now realized that everything I did was not because I wanted but rather to satisfy other people has now pushed me so far over the edge I' ve recently started cheating. Something I' ve always promised myself I would never do.

So basically I never broke any new grounds my, entire life everything was predetermined by others. And mostly I just went with the flow. I mean I wanted to divorce her but when I told both her and my parents, I could see the disappointment the sadness in their eyes. So here I am still married, still as unhappy as ever.

I also found out that my best friends also were worried .they supported me but they have noticed over the period how it took its toll on me and they were very concerned as they believe it’ s only a matter of time before I crash and burn
And they didn’ t want to be the bearer of bad news someone called me and told me that one of them came to speak to them and she was so disturbed that she called me to tell me what he said.
It basically meant that they saw through me
Don’ t know what to do anymore

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not wholesome to lead one's life entirely according to the expectations of others, or excessively fearful of disappointing them. What you did was in some ways noble and even heroic, facing up to mistakes you made and trying to protect and care for someone else. But these seem to be numerous ways in which this may not have been the best for her, let alone for you.
Maybe it would help for the pair of you to spend some time in marriage / couples counselling --- not necessarily to glue you back together, but to explore, so each of you can understand yourselves and each other, much better, and then make a wiser decision about the future. I'm sure you'll discover many concerns she has had and not voiced, too. If perhaps you both find a way to enjoy being together, you might decide to continue working on repairing this marriage. But if you recognize, together, that this arangement, though well meant on both sides, is not bringing happiness to either of you, you may well decide to part. without bitterness. Your parents might be disappointed, but preventing that cannot be the paramount factor. If they really care for you, they must adjust to whatever will be best for you

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Lerato | 2008/11/11

This is a sad story! I know what it is like to feel pitty for someone and you feel as though God will punish you if you left them! I' m the last person to say that you should go for what makes you happy as i stuck around for 2 years!! sometimes i loved him, sometimes he disgusted me - but at the end of the day it was frustrating both of us and the guilt trips are unexplainable... lets rather wait for CS to give a bit of his expert advise. Good luck my brother...

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