Posted by: CJ | 2006/10/31


I need help here, because I'm scared of making a mistake one way or the other. I am engaged and have a child from a previous relationship. My fiance had a very light flirtation with a lady before we started going out. She is very nice and enjoy her company, but for some or other reason I see something in her eyes that tell's me I can not trust her. My fiance insured me there is nothing to worry about, because if he wanted her he whould have persued a relationship with her when he was still single, but he didn't because of her morals and values. She does have a reputation of braking up relationships married or not and when she does get the guy she stole, she goes out and cheats on them.
I found out last night I month before I got engaged she e-mailed my fiance and told him that she left her boyfriend and asked my boyfriend are you and... still together because if you're not we must go out. There is no way she could not have known we were planning on getting engaged because we all have the same friends and all of them knew. She has a child the same age as mine and our children get along well, it seems she started cleaning up her act, and she's home alone a lot and I'm sorry for her, but I'm not in the mood to get into conflict situation because I'm not happy with what I see. I never saw myself as a obsessively jelous person. I don't mind if my fiance has female friends, he even works with an ex-girlfrien of his and it doesn't bother me at all, but this woman gives me the creeps!!! I'm I being stupid or am I trusting my gut feel here? What should I do?

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Our expert says:
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Why not discuss this further with your fiancee --- if she has a reputation for breaking up relationships, then even if he has no intentions of being unfaithful, she could nonetheless cause problems --- but if the pair of you were aware of this, you could more effecively prevent her from doing so. And why is it necessary to keep her as a friend, of either of you, anyway ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/31

Your man must be a catch. Its as simple as that :)

And if she is accustomed to getting other ppl's men then it is almost a conditioning in her, wanting your man. She simply has a penchant for the forbidden fruit.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: CJ | 2006/10/31

I know, I just feel that she has never had respect for hurting others to prove a point of showing she can get what ever she wants. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't trust my fiance, because I do and I know he will swim the seven seas for me, but why does she scratch were there's no itch...well obvously something must be itching...Thanks for the advice, it was a real eye opener. I think I can relax now!

Reply to CJ
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/31

Something is not quite adding up. I am quite uncomfortable about the fact that this woman should email yr fiancé suggesting she is waiting in the wings ready for a takeover the minute something goes wrong. There is nothing wrong with a woman looking at a man and wishing something could happen between her and him if his present relationship were to fail. There is everything wrong in emailing the man to tell him so. Why shd she feel the need to remind him she is waiting in the wings? Men don't need that kind of temptation. It may not be temptation enough for them to leave their woman but it could be temptation enough for them to have an indiscretion on the side. By sending this email she was saying I am here and I am waiting. I don't like the sound of that at all – it is disrespectful to you.

Try to not feel too sorry for her 'home alone a lot' and all. You don’t know exactly what she does in her spare time and as it is you are aware of her reputation as something of a seductress.

Clearly you feel unsettled about this woman. But the thing is, do you believe your fiancé when he tells you you have nothing to worry about? What you need to do here is focus more on your fiancé and less on this woman. If you continually assess this woman you will eventually begin to see a veritable Jezebel bent on destroying your upcoming marriage. A homewrecker. Rather focus on your fiancé and read in his words and actions what you need to know. A man can have all sorts of tigresses prowling around him but if he is sure about the woman he loves and communicates his love and dedication to her clearly, his woman can afford to ignore the tigresses. Focus on those tigresses and you will go mad in a very short space of time.

Remember also that if she is attracted to your man that is not his fault. Too often attractive ppl get blamed for being the object of many ppl’s affections. Come on, it is to be expected and is one of the so-called downsides of dating a looker.

You need to strike a balance between not fretting day and night about this woman and not being complacent about her either. I hope you are one of those women who knows their man well enough to read him quite easily. Watch him when she is around, is he unsettled, shifty, clumsy? Is he relaxed and openly loving towards you and appear his normal self?

You do not have anything concrete to go on right now outside of the email, that could justify you raising a stink about the situation. So do not. It is good you can accept your fiancé will have female friends. When he has a friend who makes you a bit nervous, all you have to do is watch their interactions and try to be more aware of what their friendship is about. It is unwise to have your head in the sand when there is a woman who unsettles you. Gut instinct is called gut instinct for a reason. But by the same token you cannot condemn him already when you have no proof she has done anything with him. Her having done stuff with other people’s men does not automatically mean she will do something with your man. She cannot do anything without his go-ahead which is why it is better to draw yr conclusions from the man’s behaviour and not from the woman who likes him.

You shd just be alert, without being overly territorial and suffocating your man. It is possible to suffocate a man right into another woman's arms, just remember that.

Good luck

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: Pora | 2006/10/31


Maybe it is because she has a reputation of breaking up marriages and relationships, your man has reassured that there is nothing going on and he did make the point of him not pursuing a relationship with her when he was single so i don't see why you should worry.

Reply to Pora
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/10/31

If you decide to follow your gut feeling about this woman, what exactly would you do? What's the difference whether you trust this woman or not? Ulimately, it's your fiances responsibility to be faithful to you, and yes, you can decide not to associate with the woman - but you can't really control your fiance.

You have to trust him - and believe him, until HE gives you reason not to.

Don't make a big issue out of it with your fiance, but you can tell him of your mistrust for her, and share your concerns - just don't let your problem with the woman get in the way of your relationship with your fiance - and don't let him feel that you don't trust him.

Reply to Chelle

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