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Posted by: STRESSED OUT MOM | 2008/11/14

CRAZY 2YR OLD

My daughter turned 2 in Sept. I love her to bits. But lately she has become unbearable, she screams about everything, she' s not happy with anything, she wants to be picked up the whole day, There is not one day she does not throw a tantrum. I feel like a monster every night because I scream so much at her, trying to get her to behave. I cannot handle it anymore, what must I do? I was thinking to close her in the bathroom when she starts throwing these tantrums until she cools down. But I am so scared that by screaming at her all the time, she will be emotionally damaged. I feel like such a failer as a mom. I hug her &  kiss her a lot but she' s got her own will &  I honestly can’ t handle it anymore. She is also very nasty with her brother (7) when he plays with something, she wants it... and she' ll scream until he gives it to her... but still she wont be happy.... WHAT MUST I DO!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Try also posting this question on the Parenting forum. As you've discovered, frustrating though her behaviour is, screaming at her doesn't help at all. She won't be emotionally damaged by her own screaming or tantrums.
Maria's right about how normal though awful this behaviour is. And actually, time out happens to work, whether or not one things it should be effective. But at age 2, it would be for max 3 minutes at a time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/15

I don' t use naughty corner, because of they way my child reacts to it. She will go and sit there, but when you give her permission to leave she refuses. Then she sits and WHINES about how you told her to sit in the corner and now she is never going to leave it etc. etc.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Margo | 2008/11/14

I watched SuperNanny the other night and the woman had a total brat of a child. He was told sit on the ' naughty bench'  (Oh please) and it took her more that THIRTY MINUTES of continuously putting him back and waiting for him to calm down so she could start counting the 3 minutes. 30 minutes every time he is naughty??? I don' t think so, I have better things to do that having a child calling the shots. A good smack has NEVER killed anyone. Within reason of course. Forget about this naughty corner bullshit. Bliksem them and get it over with.

Reply to Margo
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/14

I love the way people always force their opinions on everyone else. I dont tell you that you were wrong and I appreciate the same in return.

Its not use telling someone to train from birth when they already past that stage and cant go back in time and redo it. She has an issue now!

Most of the people on here including me encourage to try time outs etc first and a smack as the last resort. My one child needs a smack, the other 2 don' t and they were all raised the same. Its not getting to the point that my last one is not getting smacks much at all, maybe once a month or so when he likes to test his boundaries. Soon they will stop completely and he is 3. He has learnt.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: No smacks | 2008/11/14

If you start with the repetition of ' No thats not allowed because.....'  and removing them from the situation again and again when they are still babies, then by the time they reach 2 and older it will be easier to implement non-violent discipline. It wont get to the screaming stage where you dont know what to do except hit them or scream at them. You can nip it in the bud quickly. People seem to think babies and little children are dumb creatures that wont understand anything so they dont bother to explain why something is right and wrong. By talking and explaining from birth, even though they might not understand at the very beginning, it sinks in. Children learn from watching us, and wont know the right things unless we teach it to them from day 1. Of course 2 year olds are testing boundaries and trying out their free will and independance... its natural part of growing up. We as parents have to show them the right way to do things and the wrong ways.
Maybe screaming and hitting (even with a flat hand) only works now with your children because you have not given them enough credit regarding their capacity to learn what is right from wrong by using their own brain, not fear.

Reply to No smacks
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/11/14

Your child is too young to receive a good spanking. She is still a baby and you have to realise that. If by the time she is older and still behaving badly then maybe a small slap on the but wont hurt.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Disagree | 2008/11/14

SA: Apartheid
SA: high poverty
SA: Bantu education system = poor education  many with no
education
SA: past violence against non-whites
SA: sky high rape rate
SA: high crime rate

If your theory were true, myself and my whole family would all be rapists and murderers.

Reply to Disagree
Posted by: Two cents | 2008/11/14

Oh please - so a smack or a hiding causes children to grow up to be bullies, rapists, wife beaters and criminals?

Whatever. Get real.

Reply to Two cents
Posted by: slr | 2008/11/14

SA : a nation of child smackers.
SA : sky high rape rate
SA: road rage heaven

co-incidence?

i think not. its all to do with respect, and not resorting to violence

Reply to slr
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/14

Well said Maria

To each his own.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Rix | 2008/11/14

Thank you Mom! I agree 100%! My kids are now 8 &  10 yrs old, and neither of them need a smack. I don' t think either of them have gotten a smack in the last 2 years. It is not neccesary. They know how to behave, and I feel proud when people in restaurants tell me that I have the most well behaved kids they have seen in a long time. We chat peacefully over supper, they enjoy their milkshakes, tell jokes, and giggle, but they sit still, don' t crawl under the table and jump on seats, run up and down and around in the restaurant like many other kids in the restaurant. I cannot stand it when I try and enjoy a peacefull meal and other people who can' t controll their kids, allow them to make the whole dining experience unpleasant for all the other diners.
People must really learn to controll their kids - and the best medicine is a smack.

Reply to Rix
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/14

Some people got smacked as kids and turned out fine as adults. Some didn' t get smacked and also turned out fine. Others turn out badly regardless of whether they were smacked or not.

So maybe smacking or not smacking is not really a deciding factor in whether or not you will raise a balanced adult?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Kay | 2008/11/14

Thank you, Me, I was getting worried there. I just cannot bring myself to physically attack my defenceless toddler and try to justify it by calling it all sorts of names.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/14

A smack on the bum is not beating, when will people get this?

If you leave a mark, you fall into the category of beating and need to step back and not hit in anger.

I try all avenues before a spanking is giving, sometimes they dont need one at all and the naughty chair works, sometimes it doesnt and 2 smacks on their bum if needed.

I only hit the bum x 2 and never use a fist or anything other than my flat hand.

My 5 year doesnt get hidings anymore as he doesnt need them.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Rix | 2008/11/14

NOBODY is telling this woman to beat her kid senseless! We are suggesting a smack on the bottom. Don' t get all silly and daft.

Reply to Rix
Posted by: Anon | 2008/11/14

Sorry, HIT AS A CHILD

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anon | 2008/11/14

I was never hot as a child and neither were my brothers and sisters, We are all very well balanced adults all with children who we also do not hit, They too will grow up well balanced and so it goes on. This is my little contribution to the world.

My husbands father believed in " Spare the rod , you spoil the child" so this wonderful a**hole of a man beat his children to a pulp and said it was ok, because the bible said so!!!!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/14

Darkie Bra, I agree with you. One must however make sure your discipline is age appropriate. If you drag a tired, hungry toddler into a supermarket to do grocery shopping you can only blame yourself when he acts up.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Darkie Bra | 2008/11/14

The point is your child will push your limits to dominate.
as parent you must set the rules and dont raise spolit btrats
if kids behave the will be no need for any punishment. as parents we must not let our kids get away with murder. it only instills the culture of ill-disciple and misconduct .
the problem with us parents is we think that punishing our kids for misbehaving is a sign that we dont love them and that the best way to express our love is to let our kids ran ammock in shopping mall like some kids do. how are your kids ever going to learn to fit in any environment if they dont learn from an early age to play by the rules
they only grow to become teachers/community problems cos once they conquer thier parents there will be no stoping them.
Go to some school and look at the way some kids address their teachers you can tell their parents turn a blind eye to discipline.
the best thing is you wont have to do it often once or twice will do.

Reply to Darkie Bra
Posted by: Anon | 2008/11/14

Someone once said " A pat on the back if given low enough is always a good help"  LOL

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sad Mommy | 2008/11/14

Beating a wife and giving a child a flat hand on the bum is not the same thing!

I was an abused wife, I KNOW.

Reply to Sad Mommy
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/14

Watch BBC Lifestyle - that super nanny has many great techniques that I tried myself (naught steps and time outs) etc that actually WORK.

I also give hidings when necessary but I am glad to say that my screaming has almost stopped.

Terrible 2' s.... you will cope. I promise. I did several times.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Rix | 2008/11/14

By shouting at a child or trying to reason with them, you can cause a lot more damage than a little smack. My colleague' s son was never smacked. She used to talk to him, telling him that mommy does not like it when he misbehaves, that he hurts mommy' s feelings when he hits her during a tantrum etc etc. That child is seeing a phychologist at the moment, and aparently her trying to " reason"  with him, and all the things she said to him, is aparently what is causing his problematic behaviour. A child KNOWS if a parent loves him/her, and you ensure your child HEARS it regularly, and also FEELS it from hugs, cuddles and kisses they receive from you. I got plenty hidings, and my kids got a couple of good hidings. They are, like I said before, perfectly well adjusted kids who know how to handle confrontation and conflict. Neither of them have ever been involved in an altercation where violence was used. A good smack works wonders.
One thing though, I don' t believe in smacking with a wooden spoon, shoe or belt. Using your flat hand, you can feel the intensity of the smack. That way you KNOW how hard you are smacking.

Reply to Rix
Posted by: Me | 2008/11/14

My family is a family of non-spankers. Always has been always will be. We were good well behaved children and my parents were always complimented when taking us out anywhere on our behaviour.
My child is 2 years old now too and we use the mat to sit on when he is naughty. For 2minutes he sits there and IT WORKS!
Maybe it doesnt work for everyone but ive never had to raise my hand ot my child.
I sometimes can even just give him a ' look'  with raised eyebrows when he is not listening and he knows he is beng naughty and stops, or says sorry mommy.

I am actually quite shocked at the amount of people on this post who encourage smacking! Smacking a defenseless child is crazy! Everyone has outrage at wifebeating but its okay to give a child a ' klap' ? These comments are made by people who either doent have children or do not have the time, patience or ability to try another form of discipline.
There are ways to set boundaries without raising your hand.
just my opinion

Reply to Me
Posted by: Leez | 2008/11/14

A lekker paar klappe will certainly do the trick. My girls got it and never ever threw a tantrum in a shopping centre or wherever for fear of being " embarrassed" .....they' re fine little creatures today!

Reply to Leez
Posted by: Two cents | 2008/11/14

I got regular hidings and I truly don' t resort to violence to solve my problems, I didn' t turn out a bully either.

My parents did it exactly the way Nobody suggested. There was never a time when I got smacked for no reason and there was never once doubt in why I got a hiding. I was always told that I' m loved afterwards.

It' s got nothing to do with intimidation and everything to do with discipline, boundaries and respect.

Reply to Two cents
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/14

The lady whose website I posted further up is very anti-smacking. I believe that a smack at the right time can work wonders. However it should not be the only, and not even the most used method of discipline. If you find yourself smacking your child on a daily basis then it' s time to change your strategy.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Lip | 2008/11/14

Hi Kay. I hear what you' re saying. But just wanted to know - did your parents ever smack you? Mine did, and quite a lot. Onviously it was only if I was being naughty.

My brother and sister were smacked a lot. My husband as well. NONE of us are violent AT ALL!

Like Nobody says, we' re not saying the parent must beat the kid up. Just a good spank. It' s just my opinion that it' s the best way to discipline a child. When I was a kid, I would think twice about saying I don' t want to go to school, or that I don' t want to bath - because I knew what would happen.

There was something I used to do that drove my parents insane. They would shout, scream at me, tell me to stop, but I never did. Then they smacked me, and I never did it again.

Well...this is just my opinion.

Reply to Lip
Posted by: Kay | 2008/11/14

By smacking the child, or whatever u call it, i believe u' ll just be teaching the child that it' s ok to solve problems with violence. My almost 2 yr old is as difficult, thanks Maria for the link  i' ll look at that. I also feel bad when I' m screaming at him and then he gives in just from looking at my size and that he doesn' t a chance if it goes any further. It' s not nice to intimidate a child, and that' s what smacking' s all about. When he grows old enough he' ll then know who he can take on that are smaller and weaker than him and the cycle continues. They are children for goodness sake! They don' t even have the vocabulary to express themselves when something' s bothering them so they resort to tantrums and being naughty for attention.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Soul | 2008/11/14

I know how you ladies feel it is rough and hard most times. i don' t have a solution to your problem and the difficulities you are facing as I' m going throught the same thing with my 5 yr old. All I can say is and as hard as it may be beware of all the yelling and shouting your kids see this and start behaving in the same manner. When they don' t get what they want they will resort to shouting and screaming.

They will become your mirror image and trust me on this one it' s not a nice sight to behold.

I' m a single mom and raising a child is difficult, they changing and growing everyday, i don' t know what to do either my l/o is very head strong and wants to know nothing.

I at times wish he came with a manual so i could know what to do.

i wish you ladies luck and if you find something that work please let me know.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Nobody | 2008/11/14

I think your daughter needs a solid smack on the bum with a flat hand.
People need to controll their kids from a young age, show them that they will listen to you, and that you are the parent and in charge.
Why do you think there are so many drug addicts, school stabbings, pregnant teens and gay/lesbeen kids in the schools.
I' m not saying beat your kid senseless, but a solid smack on the bum works wonders. You wait half an hour, go back to your child, give her a hug and explain to her why she got the hiding, and that you love her to bits, but that it' s your job as her mommy to discipline her and show what is wrong and right. My kids are both well adjusted happy kids, perform brilliantly at school and in sports, have a lot of friends and are an absolute pleasure to have around. My mother has always said that if she has to have tea with the queen of England, she would never hesitate to take her grandchildren with as they are well behaved and perfect angels. You have to set boundries whilst their are still young. You will regret it later if you don' t.

Reply to Nobody
Posted by: Lip | 2008/11/14

I know it' s against the law..but I honestly believe that a good spanking would do the job.

My parents did it to me, my husband' s parents did it to him, and everyone else I know had their parents doing it to them...none of them are mentally abused. I would consider myself quite normal. Don' t see the harm in it.

I don' t understand how " time out"  or " naughty corner"  could ever discipline a child.

But I don' t have kids, so I' m not talking from experience.

Reply to Lip
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/14

It' s normal 2 year old behaviour. Go to www dot inspiredparenting dot co dot za, there is a useful article on dealing with 2 year olds. Good luck!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Stressed out mom too | 2008/11/14

Oh boy, it could have been me writing this post. My daughter is 18mths and my son almost 4. I feel like I' m in a war zone every night. They constantly fight over everything and my little girl has become very stubborn. As wrong as I know it is I too feel as if I' m constantly screaming at them all the time. The only time I have peace is when they' re sleeping. Please help, how can I change my/their behaviour to make things easier? I dont want to be the nasty mom.

Reply to Stressed out mom too

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