Posted by: D | 2008/10/20

Couples COunselling

Hi CS,

The BF and I started couples counselling a couple of weeks ago, the first session the issue of his ex came up and he said he wanted to be friends with her and wanted me to be friends with her because she was a part of his life. The Therapist said that its unfair of him to expect me to be friends with her an accept it. My BF said that if it was a male therapist, he would say I need to get over it.

Then this week, we were going thru some stuff and the therapist said to the BF that it sounds like he may have ADHD, she gace us some forms to fill out and she said next time shell let us know if shes gonna refer him to an ADHD specilist. He is very upset, mainly cos he says teh stigma attached is that you are " dof"  I know thats just ignorance on his part and am trying to sit hime down with google so we can understand it better. Anyway, this again has impacted how he sees the counsellor. He doesnt like her much.

Now weve spent R1000 and 2 hours with this lady, do we go to another counsellor and start all over again or do we stick it out. say we do move, whats to say he isnt going to find something wrong with the next counsellor. He says we should stay with her and see how it goes but I can see that his heart isnt in it. personally he as alot of stuff he needs to resolve and I think he needs his own therapy to work thru it, im just worried that this lady has no given him a bad impression of therapy, it happened to me before.

Should we stay or go... I cant believe how devestated he was when she mentioned he MAY have it, she didnt diagnose him and she said if he wants shell refer him... Now its like she has ruined his life, Id rather know that I have a condition like that then just go thru life thinking im flakey!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOur bf seems to have very highly unrealistic and selfish expectations of you and of therapy --- to expect his ex to remain an emotionally active part of his life and to expect you to accept and embrace this isea, is unrealistic and selfish. He seems, unfairly, to be assuming that its the therapist's fault that she doesn't automatically agree with and support him. Of course I dotn't know whether or not he may have a form ofADHD, but again, he seems to expect the therapiast never to challenge or criticize him, but to always support him. Moving to a new therapist in search of one who will agree with him is a doomed mission. He is bound to find fault with the next counsellor too, if he/she is any good. Its good that he has some interest in continuing with this therapist --- but raise these very issues in your message WITH the therapist, and work it out between you

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