Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/14

Could you please explain?

Hi there,
I want to try and understand myself and am driving myself up the wall, everytime lately when I see my psychologist I leave there feeling angry and it is as if I am now talking to the walls. I was told that we had worked on some matters and should put these in the past, the problem is it is in the past but small things keep cropping up. I need to take my self worth back she said's, well easier f..... said than done. There are some people I just can't seem to talk to. It feels as though I am loosing my mind, I have all the love and support around me but so what is how I feel, why is this? I can't handle feeling this way anymore. I was standing on the balcony of my work now now and was looking at the ground and thought to myself, 'this is not high enough' -- I don't want to die but yet I also don't want to live, why is this? Don't worry anybody I will not be doing anything, fighting all urges, but very short of breath and not feeling well at all. (Sorry guys and gals if this seems like a repeat and as if I don't want to help myself as Lulu said in a previous posting -- I really am trying)

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Beyond Tired,
First, important question --- have you reported these reactions and this puzzlement, directly to your psychologist ?
What we need is often very simple, but very hard. Keep fighting those negative urges, and share the responsibility for controlling this whole situation with your shrink.
As for the "Evaluation Test" on this site, I have never seen it, and am not associated with it at all. I'm not aware of ANY test that can be self-administered in that formwat, which is reliable and deeply useful --- at best, like the quizzes in a woman's magazine, they are entertaining and can suggest possible problem areas --- ONLY a full assessment by a competent shrink / doc, can make a proper diagnosis or point towards appropriate treatment.
What you describe in that particular example, does sound potentially manic.
It's good to hear that you feel calmer around the bf ; maybe explore ways to use that greater calm to make furehr progress towards finding a source of such calm within yourself.
Drink may make it a bit easier to fall asleep, but generally decreases the quality and value of such sleep, so it is usually better to have a bit less sleep, without booze, than a bit more, with it.
Maybe, building on JM's reference site, try calling that Depression / Anxiety organization listed on our pages, and see if there's an accessible support group which might perhaps be useful for you ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/14

Never apologise for blabbering. It is a way of releasing the tension...and no one can blame you for that.

The problem with drinks, smokes etc, is that we use it as a scapegoat and later on we get so dependant on it, we cannot live without it.

About you bipolar question. There is a nice site with related research articles etc on it. If you are perhaps restricted from opening it, let me know, I can download it for you. Perhaps you have stumbled across it but it is well worth the read.

site: wwwdotanxietydotorgdotza

Reply to JM
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/14

Thanks JM.

CS - another question - how accurate is the evaluation test on this site, I know it said's it is only a guide and one should go for a full evaluation, however the other night at the hospital the doctor said I was bipolar, so I did the test on here and it agreed however my psychologist doesn't seem to think so. I have read about it and also read the differences between bipolar and major depression and to me it does seem as if I am bipolar. The so called acts of mania or whatever -- would you say purchasing a home, a new car and a new fridge in one go and making over R600,000.00 debt in one year is an act of mania or not or am I deliberate. I am way over my head in debt and don't have a cent left after paying the debt and then also not paying everything in full, but all get something. I am living on loans and getting deeper and deeper into trouble yet I will still go out and purchase an unnecessary item -- I really feel as though I am going nuts -- why do I do these stupid things, it is as if I am in self-destruct mode and not able to get out of it. Everytime I manage to settle some or other debt I just go out and do something else.

When my father died it was a trying time, I was having major hassles at work and couldn't handle things, I was crying and carrying on like a wimp, I wanted to jump off the building which was ten stories high, I didn't because I kept thinking of my daughter, went on anti-depressants so often it ain't funny. I drive like a maniac when angry and frustrated, I am always speeding and as for the drinking, it seems I don't want to stop but also do, it is so confusing.

On Saturday when I saw my psychiatrist I told her that life just didn't seem worthwhile, that I couldn't understand why we had to continue to live, that it was a waste of time and I still feel this way. We work, we go home, we pay our debt's and for what, so that we can die in the end and the cycle continues with your kids -- it is such a waste of breath.

I must say that when I'm around the bf I feel a lot calmer and at ease but I also know I cannot become dependent on someone, I need to be happy within myself but it doesn't seem like there is any use to this, it is difficult to explain how I feel. I don't sleep a full evening if I don't drink and I know I mustn't drink as the acts of violence towards myself are more heightened then. I hadn't had a drink since Sunday and then last night when I was angry I went to fetch my daughter and the people where she was invited me for a glass of wine, I didn't say no although I knew I should have.

Sorry for blabbering on like this, JM was right, it helps a bit.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/14

I'm sorry if my remark hurt you, BT, really I am. Was not my intention at all.

Your experience just proves my point: You dwell on things looooong after they're supposed to have been "dealt with". Once you master the skill of not doing this, you might start seeing light at the end of your tunnel.

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but like I said, I'm out of advice.

Good luck and God bless.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/14


Sorry to hear you are feelling bad again. Can't give you any explanation, perhaps you should see a new psychologist?

Although I can't help, I can read so keep on posting, it will surely make you feel better.


Reply to JM

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.