Posted by: THRILLER | 2007/04/25

Could he be a player

Dear All,

I met a guy at work, we started sepnding some time together, but due to us living far from each other, both of us still studying and me being a single mom, it took some strain on the relationship. However, we see each other at work, but nobody knows because it not good working practice. In any event, his been very strange lately, seldom answers his cell phone when we alone, says its rude, ya, right! Secondly, he goes out to dinner at least twice a week, with lady friends, and tells me, weekends have become a no no for us to be together....its always his studies.Thirdly, we not sexually active at all.

I then started invetigating the matter and found his itemized billing and to my shock and horror, the amount of woman this man speaks to is amazing, I dont even think that guys working to telkom make so many calls in one day. Anyway, after having discovered the info, I started withdrawing from him totally, remaining in control and staying completely emotionally stable, I think this freaks him out as I dont even ask to spend time with him. When he calls I chat about work and everything esle besides us. He from the beg spoke about future plans with me, but I never ever questioned him, I think it was to good to be true...just had that gut feel.
Two weeks ago, his dad passed away, and because I'm still human, I supported him during this time. It was very difficult for me, but I would have done it was it any of my other friends. Two days after his dad's funeral he insisted on me joining him and his brother for a drink, of which I did. When I arrived there were two other lady friends there as well, but as the night grow old, I had to leave. He did'nt even bother to walk me out, and when he called me the next day, he asked me why I behaved to weird, I told him, that I did'ny expect my boyfriend to take photos of other woman in my presence and I thought that he would walk me out. He became so defensive and dropped the phonw down on me. Later that evening, he called me and dumped me saying that i crossed the boundries and that we should'nt discuss this at the office, and that whatever happened it was all over. I was totally calm and agreed and politely said good nite and that was it.

Two day later, he walks into my office looking like death and says that he likes me alot.......BUY A DOG! and wants us to work on the relationship, because i'm important to him and he thinks it's worth working on. He asked to see me over the weekend to talk about it, but my mom had a major op so I could'nt meet him. Monday at the office and wheels came off again, he asked my PA, should her husband go away would she invite him over? Then looks at me asks me "do you think she would", my reaction was stay calm, walk away and just as I did that he became angry at me stating that it was just a joke and he just needed my confirmation. Sick HEY?

He also mentioned to me that he was going away for 5 days to his brother Namibia, was not even invited.....well now we know he cares alot!!!!!!!!!!! I tried to play him up by asking when we were going to plan on spending time alone, and he jumped up grabbed his calendar and started going thru the calendar like a lost sole, could not really make up his mind......very uneasy for him. I then got up and just walked out of his office.

Last night he called me but refused to answer my phone, then he started sms me, until 11pm, eventually I had to answer as he would'nt stop calling, we did the small talk thing, said our good nites and that was it.

My question is, given the fact that we work for the same company reporting to the same Director, in the same department i find it very difficult to lash out at him, this just might lead to trouble at the company, secondly, I'm not to emotionally stressed out, just need to find a way to deal with this professionally. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

yes, he surely does sound like a playa

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/25

Make it clear to him that from now on you will have no relationship with him outside of working hours, and while at work the relationship must stay strictly professional. If he crosses the line, put it in writing, send him an email and tell him you will report him for sexual harassment if he does it again.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: tantric | 2007/04/25

what i was told was that a man wants you to fulfil one element or change one thing that he stops him from settling down with you, i like the fact that we both work at HR and have access to everything and all you do is log onto the system.
again i think that he is way past his prime is he notthose guys who focus on their career drinking partying and whn they wake up all their friends are married and have children and in you he sees an instant family. i am proud of you for thinking about your one year old baby plenty women just fall into the silly trap of just getting hooked for the childrens sake.
he is so wanting to be with someone anyone just so he could be like his friends who have settled down. he wants to be with you but also wants to continue living the way he does.
i honestly feel that he wants to do the right thing with the right women with totally wrong intentions and being in the wrong state of mind. i wish you could find someone who will love you the way i am.
Thriller just relax and let him be i was with someone like that and when i let go and lived on i was blessed to find love so beautiful, each day gets better he accepts me and i have accepted his child as is. we go through a lot but he is a good man ( a priest) but i am happy so content he is not want i thought my Mr. Right would look like but he is just perfect.
so re;ax take it day by day love your baby and you will reap wonderful results

Reply to tantric
Posted by: THRILLER | 2007/04/25

Guys, thank you so much, just help me get through this please, lots of advise will do as I feel Im going to explode.

Tantric you are so right, he has been trying endlessly to make me jealous with all his comments and dates that he goes on, and you right again, I dont react the way he wants me to and the reaction I give is totally calm and totally in control. I think this freaks him out though. And yes I'm perfect without him, I'm to strong a woman to let him break me and I think this is frustrating him.

He is 42, never been married, does not have any kids and lives on his own. I know this because I'm in the Human Resources Dept and know everything about him and the sick calls he makes to other woman. Besides, he calls me every evening and I know he is at home, the dog barks, he shuts the windows prepares dinner while we talk and does not have a Television, but I've never been to his place, although he has invited myself and my daughter, but never made any plans. His all talk and no show.

Tantric you right, he is looking for the right woman, he has told me several times about future plans actually including myself and my daughter in them. I dont really know what to do, all I know is that I cannot afford to become a basket case for the sake of my 1 year old, who needs me to be stable and think level headed.

Why would he be doing all this things to me after all the conversations we had about relationships and what our expectations are?

Posted by: tantric | 2007/04/25

he is a player who is trying to find someone to be with it seems as if he is trying to get you jealous or a reaction out of as you seem just perfect with or without him.
i had a man like that i left him on my borthday last year and funny enough a day later he was at my door with an engagement ring i left him there and for him it was just to see me submit to him and fall for like every other girl he still calls but has realised he wont get through. so because you guys work together put him in his place work wise remind him each time he gets personal this is work and really i came here for a reason theres no better way of irritating him than reminding him. i also think your idea of coming onto strong will chase him away permanently. question how old is this dude anyway?

Reply to tantric
Posted by: flame | 2007/04/25

Forget about him, he's bad news.Rather treat him at work like you would treat any other collegue.If he makes any advances tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested and that youre realtionship should only be on a collegue basis, and that you dont want to spend time with him after hours.Also have his cellnumber blocked on youre phone.Time to move on girl, there's plenty fish in the sea!!!!!!

Reply to flame

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