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Question
Posted by: Liz | 2004/01/30

Controlling Mother-In-Law

We are from another Province, we live in a 3 bedroomed house with our own three children which the youngest is 3months. My hubby is 28yrs the eldest of 5 children and I'm 26. The Mother-In-Law tells everyone that we have such a big house I don't know if a 3bed is so big as she says. Now the Mother-In-Law invites everyone even distanced relatives to come and visit for a longer period 'cause some of them are unemployed, It was strange but I didn't have a problem with it. Lately my hubby's younger brother came to live with so that he could study at a University even though there are lots of Varsity's and Technikons where we are from. I was not told my hubby was visiting home and when he come back I saw him in the car and only then I was told that he is here to study.

The Nanny told me that the MIL called to say that someone should be picked up at the Station and that she tried calling my hubby but she can't find him. (She never tried to call me although she has all my numbers) After two weeks another relative which I never even met. Apparently he is also here to study at a University my hubby is out of country I don't know what to do. I don't even know that my hubby was told about this cause he calls me everyday but he is not saying a word about it and I don't want to ask anything.

She has my cell number and my work number but she is not calling me and I'm still waiting. The house is crowded. I was told that that they are big friends with my hubby's Ex. One day I caught her giving my hubby a card from his Ex girlfriend and i teared it. I don't know if she's trying to prove a point or what. My hubby respects his mother so much that he doesn't stand up to her, his mother's word is final even if I'm not going along with the idea. His mother interferes in our lives and my hubby reports everything to her even private things that concerns both of us. These people moving in with us they costs us a lot.

I don't know what to do because they can't leave us alone.

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Our expert says:
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Liz, this is simply appallingly bad manners on the part of your ma-In law, and patheic cowardice on the part of your husband. Wasn't he even listening when he made those mariage vows ? And it's OUR house, not hers, and only you and your husband can decide who, if anybody at all, you want to stay with you. And surely your husband would never want a stranger to come to stay in the house while he's away, and not tell you about it ? Sure;y, for a start, you should say to this new arrival that NO proper arrangements were ever made for him to come to stay with you and that it will neither be convenient for you nor proper, with your husband being away. If he has already moved in, tell him he can have 3 or 4 days in which to make alternative arrangements, but you expect him to mkove out as soon as possible. And don't provide food or laundry or other facilities for him, and remind him that it is costly to have extra guests, and you'd appreciate it if he and the brother would make some payments towards the expenses hey are causing you --- you're a family, not a charity for the greedy and selfish.
If there's any flak from MiL tell her that it is totally unaceptable for ANYONE to make arrangements for anyone to come to stay with you without discussing it with BOTH you and your husband, and getting the agreement of BOTH of you. And in future, when ANYONE arrives to say with you without your prior happy agreement, refuse to open the door for them, and tell them to go and find a hotel.
And maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to decide whether he is married to you or to his mother, but you canot accept that she continues to run things in your home, or that he betrays your confidence in telling her anything that ought to be kept confidentially between the pair of you. And tell him that if he wants this mariage to last, he'd better join you in serious marriage counselling, to try to save things.

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Our users say:
Posted by: eve | 2004/01/30

speak to your husband about this cos th more you keep quiet the more this will happen how can his mother do this if he cant stand up to her then why dont you confront her and tell her that you have three growing children and you cant just have anybody in the house.she should sop this immediately you not there to support her so called friends, your house is not a holiday home its supposed to be a "nest" for your children.I actually cant believe the nerve of your mother in law, and far worse your husbands attitude towards all of this.
you have to speak to them if you dont it will just carry on.... good luck sweetie

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