Our expert says:
Liz, this is simply appallingly bad manners on the part of your ma-In law, and patheic cowardice on the part of your husband. Wasn't he even listening when he made those mariage vows ? And it's OUR house, not hers, and only you and your husband can decide who, if anybody at all, you want to stay with you. And surely your husband would never want a stranger to come to stay in the house while he's away, and not tell you about it ? Sure;y, for a start, you should say to this new arrival that NO proper arrangements were ever made for him to come to stay with you and that it will neither be convenient for you nor proper, with your husband being away. If he has already moved in, tell him he can have 3 or 4 days in which to make alternative arrangements, but you expect him to mkove out as soon as possible. And don't provide food or laundry or other facilities for him, and remind him that it is costly to have extra guests, and you'd appreciate it if he and the brother would make some payments towards the expenses hey are causing you --- you're a family, not a charity for the greedy and selfish.
If there's any flak from MiL tell her that it is totally unaceptable for ANYONE to make arrangements for anyone to come to stay with you without discussing it with BOTH you and your husband, and getting the agreement of BOTH of you. And in future, when ANYONE arrives to say with you without your prior happy agreement, refuse to open the door for them, and tell them to go and find a hotel.
And maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to decide whether he is married to you or to his mother, but you canot accept that she continues to run things in your home, or that he betrays your confidence in telling her anything that ought to be kept confidentially between the pair of you. And tell him that if he wants this mariage to last, he'd better join you in serious marriage counselling, to try to save things.
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