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Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/09/22

Controlling Anger - Good or Bad

Hi there,
Me again, sorry for being such a nag, but can you tell me whether it is a good thing that I control my anger or is there a constructive way in which it can be vent other than hurting myself. (I continue to see a little girl sitting holding onto her teddy bear as if her life depended on it and I feel helpless to help)

Apparently in some tests done some years ago I had a very high anger level, plus on a course I went they tried to bring it out, however I controlled it after rolling an A3 page up into a twisted form of approximately 15 cm's in length, they measured it. They wanted me to hit something, I couldn't. I don't break things or throw things but have often felt the need to do so, recently broke a glass and cut my finger, cost me a bundle and some stitches, plus drive very recklessly when angry and curse at everyone around me, but it is still controlled. My own anger scares me, what happens if I snap and let it out? Could I be dangerous? The tension I feel is almost unbearable, is this perhaps also why I prefer to hurt myself, the urge is overwhelming and the things I use to do scare me too, the playing with very sharp scissors and sliciing thin papercut like slices is nothing compared to what I used to do, but the pain does last a bit longer in that it burns just as a paper cut would. I have even cut my stomach and bf2 is afraid I might cut myself open to remove the memories or whatever, the anger and frustration. Only seeing docs next week, they are fully booked and my mind is in total turmoil. They only started handling the nonsense that got me into this in the last 3 days I was in hospital. It put me into such a state, I cried a lot, now I feel nothing, all emotion is gone, only anger and self hurt seems to rule except when with bf2, he makes me want to just be with him, part of him (is this too much).
Damn I'm babbling again, what the hell is wrong with me, I am not a child anymore, this crap should be behind me. So f...... angry.
Oh flip, sorry......didn't mean to carry on so. How do I slow myself down, thank goodness my sleeping tablets are hidden as it would be interesting to drive under the influence (sorry) or just get enough sleep to stop my mind, these stupid things are suppose to not let you dream, ha, what a joke. Venting, sorry.
Ignore this..................
Just needed to write as think. I think I am angry at myself for not be stronger when I was younger and then not caring about myself enough to stand up for me, now how the hell do I turn this around and not hurt myself or others. Leg currently dead as even enjoy the feeling of pins and needles, it goes up to my hip ( I told you I was nuts). I have been looking for places to slice myself where nobody can notice, not working though, ankles are not hidden by shoes, boots yes and can't keep wearing the damn things, hands, very visible and have to use them, stomach, not that visible but my daughter will walk in when I bath, want to revert to old habit but can't.....babbling...........oh shit (not sure should post this - ?????)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
Isn't the really important challenge, at this stage, not to blame yourself for not being able to help that little girl long ago, but to work on the entirely possible and practical task, of helping the excellent woman she grew into, right now ? As for using the anger, applying that energy in more positive ways can indeed help, whether applied to necessary tasks in improving the lot of that present woman, or at the Gymn, for instance, whether with a punch-bag or in pure exercise. SOme find that art, dance, other creative activities help, too.
Oh, and pills don't stop you dreaming ; some make you dream more ; or they reduce dreaming for a time --- then you dream all the more when they stop.
But let's also face the central issue you raise. You are NOT to blame for anything that may have happened to you when you were young --- you were a CHILD and not responsible for any such events. It wasn't your task to be stronger then, or to stand up for yourself --- that's what parents / guardians / teachers / adults are supposed to be there for, But NOW you need to stand up for the excellent woman you ARE, and be as strong as needed to get things right and move on to the peaceful life you deserve. Sorry your shrinks were a little slow in getting things started, and seem to have let you go home while still a bit raw and unhealed, but keep working on this.
Vent in words, here, in a journal, wherever it doesn't frighten the neighbours ! :} Pleased to hear from Chelle how well my suggestions of alternative techniques helped.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: J | 2004/09/22

Hi BT
First of all, about our previous discussion re. knowing what you want and unconditional love: I don’t know if this would make any sense but in your case , you might not really know what you want, but at least (and from what I've gathered) you know what you don't want. We learn from our past relationships and those are the ones (good or bad) that shape the path for our future.
Take your new relationship in its stride, and you will be able to detect the signs when it is not meant to be.
Then about your anger... The course you went on reminds of when I was seeing a counsellor during my high school years. She told me that each time I get angry, instead of breaking things; I should throw a sponge against the wall. I eventually lost the thought of throwing things when angry.
I agree with everyone else that there is nothing wrong with getting angry; one only needs to deal with the anger in a constructive manner. Have you ever thought of engaging in some strenuous and vigorous exercise routines or sport? An excellent way to vent your anger. And I know I am being a tad bit insensitive here, but it is always a great way of inflicting pain on yourself ;-) he he…

Oh and please don’t stop posting, because we care.

Reply to J
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/22

Girl, you amaze me!!! I really think you're gonna be just fine!!! You just carry on letting BF2 into your life. It sounds like thats what he wants anyway. So, there's nothing wrong with just wanting to be with him, nothing wrong with wanting to be a part of him. He sounds like a great person, & kudo's to him for caring so much about him.
Yes, controlling your anger is a good thing, & yes there is a constructive way of doing this too. Here I'll have to rely on CS enlightening us both. It's also important to realise that we also need to let go of the anger sometimes otherwise it becomes too much for us too handle, then we "explode"...
Hey, don't apologise for posting, I'm really glad you did. You express your thoughts very well. & yes, most of us here rely on this forum for support. So don't hesitate when you know you're among friends. We rely on you too!!!
Thanx for the opportunity of replying to you. You have a relaxing day. Speak to you soon.

Regards,
Shaun

PS: I don't think you are dangerous!!!

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/22

I am sure this confusion is normal. Stop belittling yourself for your current state. You're in the process of learning about yourself and healing, so give yourself a break.
You have unearthed your past and it seems like the shrink hasn't armed you with enough ways to cope with the feelings you're going through. He/ she needs to do this, so that you know what to do now. I had one session with the therapist and I have not cut since. Also the help and advice I received here played an enormous part. Using a red pen on my arm for eg.. it worked.
Anger in itself is not a bad thing as I see it. What you went through you're entitled to be angry. It seems you're taking out all this anger on yourself though, instead of the people who caused you pain. Anger is generally an off shoot of being hurt, and so I suggestyou sit and write a letter to those people who have hurt you, and those you are angry with. No need to send it or give it to them. Expressing anger needn't be violent. Supressing the anger and hurt is what I believe leads to the violent responses.
BT - please don't be angry with yourself. You've been the vicitm in all of this, and now it's time to let yourself become the survivor you are. You can have it all. Stop doubting yourself that way.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: A | 2004/09/22

Just keep venting here and not somewhere else - the more you vent your anger somewhere the less likely you are to cause harm somewhere else.

Keep strong Beyond Tired - cant offer any advise at this stage as I dont know what your circumstances were when you were a child - so many bad things have happened to good people around us everyday. You are still here. Sounds like BF2 is amazing - hold on to him tight!!

Hope that you can get thru the day without damaging your body - its the only one you have.

Reply to A

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