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Question
Posted by: gatvol | 2008/06/01

contemplating divorce still!!

Hi,have posted before but just a shortened version. Discovered my husbands affair (not sexual yet) 3 years ago, went for counselling but things seemed to deteriorate as due to trust issues and his total inability to communicate I drew even further away from him emotionally and intimately so he started a pornographic obsession of which he blamed me. Our conversations, which I initiated always started out calmly but when he totally sat mute with an expression of indifference I lost my temper. He at this stage had also been retrenched and was attempting to start his own business funded by our bond to the tune of 300k which still has not worked. I started working 2 and half years ago and really cut back on all extravagances. He on the other hand decided to "find himself" by either buying porn or self help books over the internet. I would estimate he has spent, on his credit cards to the tune of 30k. I finally lost it when I discovered a flirtatious interlude going on between him and a 25yr old girl (he's 45) where he told her he was not married. To just top it all he has 2 wonderful kids (age 9 and 14) who just idolise Dad. They have obviuosly begun to suspect things are not right btw Mom and Dad. I went to a lawyer who advised me I would have to pay him about 500k to divorce him as I have meticulously paid as much debt as possible and he has incurred huge debts so his asset base is wiped out where mine I would have to share. Finally he has accepted a job in another town and will commute home 3 weekly. the kids are taking strain and I now feel even more stressed as I have the full responsibilty of raising our kids and he the "hero" in their eyes is sitting pretty, playing golf over weekends and socialising while I work 7 days a week at a retail outlet and raise the kids in entirety on my own. The anger I feel is really not helping the situation and everytime he phones to speak to kids I feel like telling him what a SOD he is. How do In get rid of this anger. I am unable to go for counselling due to my job being 7 days a week and I have no backup in terms of fetching kids from school and extra murals etc so can't fit in anything more in my life. I am beyond Down!!!!suggestions

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hope your marriage counsellor helped you recognize the difference between him not being able to communicate at all, being able to but not wanting to, and being able to do so, but not in the way you prefer.
IF he spent over 30 K on porn an/or self-help books, that's clear testimony to the fact that neither was actually any use to him.
I know nothing of divorce law, but it sounds bizarre that a wise woman would have to pay hundreds of thousands of her husbands debts just because she didn't run into debt. ( I wonder what would have happened had you also wasted your own funds ? ) Maybe a second opinion would be wise ?
I understand that you will be feeling some stress now, though was he really sharing so much of the burden of raising the kids, house chores, etc., for his absence to actually increase your existing work-load ?
I wonder if the Depression / Anxiety Support group has a group near you which you might find useful in evenings or some spare time ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2008/06/02

You're 100% right. If you're staying in this marriage, speak to a lawyer as a matter of urgency to find a way of absolving you from any further debt incurred by your husband. Also consider biting the bullet now while you're still young enough to bounce back both financially and emotionally. This doesn't sound like a marriage or even a relationship to me. You're on your own anyway.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: gatvol | 2008/06/02

ANC with accrual and we both went in with 0 values so basically what I've accrued (a house) gets split 50/50

Reply to gatvol
Posted by: Anon | 2008/06/02

Are you married COP or ANC?

Reply to Anon

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