Posted by: Leah | 2008/12/09

Constant deception - Why?

Not all men are deceptive surely but I am getting so frustrated. Every time I meet a guy there is something he is not telling me. I am a single 35 yr old woman. This year I have gone on dates with about 6 guys, be it drinks or dinner or what. Each had a secret which I unearthed because my gut told me something was not being said. Either he was married, had a live in lover, had two steady girlfriends or just something. Men never give you the truth upfront and unfortunately it has gotten to a point where I meet someone and the first thing I do is trying to figure out what they are hiding. And for sure, every single one of them was hiding something.

Why do men (not all, just some) not give women the truth? Why not tell a woman you are married then she can decide if she dates married men? Or tell her you are seeing two other women and that you have three kids - why not tell her and let her decide if she has a problem with it? Instead a woman gets roped into a situation without knowing it and to the outsider, looks like a selfish homewrecker. Meanwhile she just accepted a date with a guy she thought was nice.

I recently met a super guy at a function –  kind generous interesting and very taken with me. After two weeks my spirit suddenly felt very uneasy and I asked him outright if he was married. He admitted he is. Prior to him I met a guy at a wine tasting who wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. After some time I discovered he has a child, is supposed to marry the mother but also has another young girlfriend on the side. Are these not things I should have been made aware of?? Prior to him I met a nice guy at the launch of a magazine. We dated as such for about 5 months then I felt I shd talk to him about ‘ us’  as something didn’ t seem right. He admitted he will only ever be in a casual relationship with me as he comes from a family of doctors and his family will never accept him settling down or taking seriously a non-doctor (me).

Should he not have left me alone then, if I was never the right material? Why waste 5 months with me if I didn’ t qualify all along?

Secrets and deception.

I meet guys at respectable places, some of them I am even introduced to. But they all have a secret. Have things changed since I last dated? Must a woman assume a man has another woman or women and he will hopefully choose her at some point? I asked my cousin about it and she said there is no such thing as a guy who is truly all on his own. Every guy has a woman somewhere and you still date him but just hope that he will eventually choose to be with only you.

Date someone in the hope of eventually being promoted to number one? It doesn’ t sit well with me. Am I just way too old fashioned?

The next guy I meet, am I supposed to ask around, google him etc etc in order to find out more about him before we even go on a first date??

Thanks for any advice

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Most men are n ot motivated to be so deceptive, nor clever enough to risk it ! Any time you meet ANYBODY there is much they're not telling you, because it's impossible and indeed undesirable to tell everything. The issue is more whether they are deliberately hiding from you something they know is very relevant to you. I'm not sure what happened in some of the examples you quote --- wasn't the guy at the party being pleasant without actually making a date with you ? Should he really have interrupted you at the start to insist on telling you that he was maried ? Can't people be pleasant to one another without it necessarily being about dating ?
Now magazine guy sounds different, as you went out together for some time before he disclosed that for family reasons he had no intention of taking the relationship seriously --- that came closer to using you in an inconsiderate way. YOur cousin isnt right --- some men, and some women are indeed truly alone. But what's to stop you if you find you're getting on well with a guy you meet, from asking pleasantly if they're married or in a serious relationship ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Hope | 2008/12/09

just tell them you are celibate!!! do not sleep with any of them - be warned!!!

Reply to Hope
Posted by: Chil | 2008/12/09

Me you are brilliant. Way to go my sister.
If it was possible, I would ask for your contact details.
I am also a single lady of 31.

Reply to Chil
Posted by: Me | 2008/12/09

And yes - the dating scene has changed. It' s very painful and tiring nowadays. It' s a JUNGLE OUT THERE. But don' t give up. I believe that as much as there are good women out there like yourself - there are also good men.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Me | 2008/12/09

Hi. I am 30 and exactly in the same boat as you. I refuse to be anyone' s floozy. Even the one' s who are " honest"  and tell me about the wife or gf, I turn them down. Because they are full of crap - they want me to help them cheat, that means they have no respect for me or any woman for that matter.

I broke up with one guy a few weeks ago coz he has a live-in gf. And he was so rude to me. Telling me that I will wind up old and dry seating on the side of the road if I think I am ever going to find anyone who will just be mine. He said he wishes he can see me in 2015 coz I will not be saying the same thing after being alone all those years - one day I will miss him. I have found a chance of love and I am throwing it away just because I want to be the only one.

Let me tell you right now - I believe with all my heart that God has someone out there for me who will love me enough to want me to be the only one. And we will find each other. In the mean time I will be no one' s floozy.

Reply to Me

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