Posted by: JP | 2003/03/04

Conservitive wife - ladies help !!

Hi there,

I am 29 and so is my wife, we have been married for 4 years. My wife is very conservitive in bed and sex is boring and it does not happen all that often, i usually have to ask her to touch me, and reluctantly she does which makes it feel "cheap" un-natural.

We have spoken about the subject many times and nothing changes, it is a very tender issue at the moment. She does not enjoy trying new positions or anything new.

She has never experimented with herself and hates the idea of it. We have sex very seldom and when we do i feel that she is doing it just to satisfy me.

I am running out of ideas and our marriage is taking alot of strain, she wants children and i am very reluctant without improving things first and knowing that she can satisfy me sexually.

To everyone out there, ANY SUGGESTIONS ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Try some selfhelp books:
"7 weeks to better sex", by Dr Domeena Renshaw.
Anne Hooper has published many books & sex guides.

There is a great sex education video series called "Sex a Life long pleasure" available from JT Publishers (011) 614 - 1911.

Call SA Sexual Health Association 0860 100 262, for a referral to a therapist.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Boet | 2003/03/05

I have read all these replies and i feel the same as bmwf1. This problem is def bigger than everybody thinks. I used to be able to go down on my wife and she even sometimes even pused my head down there so i think that se liked it but these days i'm not even allowed to touch her know what i mean "get on and finish up" because she is tired or a headache or a million excusses.
Is there any ladies out there with this problem, plse let us know what you feel and think.
I can't think of any male that i know who hasn't got the same problem some in a lesser extend but thwe same problem. If you want to plse mail me at and help me and millions of other guys who love our wifes understand what is wrong and hou you feel and might be i can help to make you understand how your husband feel.

Reply to Boet
Posted by: Blue | 2003/03/05

Okay, I'm a woman too. You must know that woman who are emotionally down does not feel up to the act. In other words, something must bother her. She seems fine otherwise. Do not put too much pressure on her, if you know when she is having her period, wait for two days after she stopped and initiate the 'thing'. most woman are very horny then. But to initiate sex by roses and all that stuff, will make her feel 'o, no, now i must do it'. I was also one of those who did not touch my husband, but as one of the earlier responses said, tell her it awakens your sences and she will slowely do it. I was also scared to let him do the 'down there thing', now I cannot wait for him to do it. Take her away if you can and slowely start by kissing and all that, she will soon realise that this could be nice and fall in with the plans. Take her on a picnic, or even infront of the tv and go down on her. She most propably have all these fantasies, but is too shy to say it, as it might seem like she's a slut, get a book, or at most, watch those stupid sex shows late on Saturdays on e-tv - I dont like it, but boy, does it make me horny

Reply to Blue
Posted by: bmwf1 | 2003/03/05

Join the club..... I'm 34, married for 9 years and have exactly the same problem (after the first year). Why???. First of all, why are fingers always pointed at the man,ie do this...don't do that... buy this. Why can't women also do these things for us. Please don't get me wrong, I'm too happy to do all these things & more for my wife (and I do). Marriage is a two-way street. Furthermore, why do newspapers/ magazines always make a fuss about male sex drive when it's actually a lot of woman that suffers this problem. I say suffer because I'm sure the majority of women don't want to have this low libido problem; they also want enjoyment out of lovemaking.

Reply to bmwf1
Posted by: JP | 2003/03/05

Hi JP, listen the last thing you should be thinking about is death, you fool then you will be totally without her !! You are lucky that you had such an intense sexual relationship before you got married. At leaqst you know where the SEX can be headed. And at least you still have those intense loving feelings for her, with me I have slowly been loosing them over the years and now find myself looking at other woman more than i should. I am only 29, can you imagion how bad it will be in 10 years ??? Basically it's make or break for me, i also love my wife very much but more as a friend and companion than as a lover but i can't imagion life without her. Marriage needs both to work. Mail me at I can only read and respond to the mail at home because of this pathetic firewall.

Reply to JP
Posted by: Surfer | 2003/03/05

Hi - I have the same problem. I can exactly understand how JP feels. This affects a man very much. Everything around you falls apart and you get suicide feelings. I am a good looking healthy man. My wife is very pretty. Before our marriage we had a lot of communication and sex at least 2 to 3 times a day avery day - I WAS IN HEAVEN. My wife told me that I am the best. I know it because I just know it. I'm NOT GOING INTO DETAIL HERE. We have a lot of interverence from her parents. They are the old fashioned AGS Churc type. I am wealthy and a successful man giving all that I can - sex is so important to me. My wife could not leave me alone and we enjoyed all. We planned to have a baby but she just wont fall pregnant. Sperm takes 72 hours to mature so now we do it less. Shes reluctant to touch me and if she does i feel cheap just like you JP. I get the impression that she does it just s0o that i can shoot my load and get over it. For me this is serious and yes its to taht point where the only thing i think about is death. I love her so much and would love thing to be normal. If your wife only knew whats shes missing out on - dont worry you are not alone. Maybee if you want to we can chat. Let me have your address. I am male 37 years old and is a financial advisor. My whole life revolves around my wife whom i dearly love. I know how you feel........

Reply to Surfer
Posted by: Jay | 2003/03/05

Thanks Wakechick

Your contribution was really excellent. I think all men can learn something from it. Please contribute more.

Reply to Jay
Posted by: JP | 2003/03/04

Thanks wakechick,

Firstly, my wife is very attractive and has a good figure, so there is no reason why she should feel ashamed of herself. She has no problem with taking her clothes off in front of me and she is very open in that way. She even sheds her clothes sometimes at parties.

You are right, she probably does not enjoy herself (sexually) otherwise she is very confident person. You are right, i probably don't give her the attention that i should but trust me i have in the past.

I am tired of getting my hopes up that sex is on the cards and unfortunately i am the adventurous type of lover and i can't look forward to being adventurous with her. Is that not what a sexual relationship is all about, loving, sharing and experiencing ???

The real sad thing is that this has been going on for so long and one can only handle so much rejection. Our love is not what it used to be.

Reply to JP
Posted by: wakechick | 2003/03/04

The way you describe this it seems as though she actually does not enjoy herself... whether she cums or not! A woman may not actually enjoy sex even if she does cum, believe it or not. The main enjoyment comes from feeling sexy while having sex... and this is a whole other story!

Does your wife actually feel sexy? for this she must be comfortable with herself and her body... Is she worried about her weight at all? Will she walk around the room naked with the lights on... have sex with the lights on... take a shower with you??? If yes, read on... If not then youre gonna need to get her to love her body.

Secondly, how much do you "treat" her? and not just when you want sex, but every night! Do u always go through the same routine of undressing yourselves, climbing into bed, reading etc without a second thought? (I assume you two do go to bed at the same time... that can cause major problems if you dont) She may be crying out for that extra loving, that tenderness and intimacy of doing something routine TOGETHER. Brush her hair for her, rub cream on her legs, undress her, do all the things for her that she normally does herself. And, i know its hard, try to do it without looking like you're doing it to get sex! That will earn you major bonus points!

Thirdly, all women love sexy underwear... and not just for at night! Buy her a really sexy set to wear to work during the day (she'll be feeling sexy the whole day long and thinking of you) and also something silky to wear at night... More bonus points if you take her along shopping, so she can try on what you like and find whats comfortable, and also so she can see that you love her so much to go to the womens underwear department with her!

Also make an effort to notice what she does do, instead of what she doesnt! You'd be surprised to find out how many times she has tried to get an apppreciating look from you without a reaction! even if its one button undone more than normal, or the way her skirt shows just more than it would normally while she is sitting. Subtlety is the name of our game, but your response must be obvious! Smile appreciatively or stroke her thigh, but make it known you noticed!

The rest is really up to you... if you know she feels her sexiest when she dresses up then go out beforehand, even just to dinner. Now all this is no guarantee but i know myself that when i feel like im the queen of the world, i know i look good and my bf is taking notice of the efforts i make, I know that im gonna be waaaaaay more adventurous in bed, and probably initiate something rather than sit back and wait!

Reply to wakechick
Posted by: Jay | 2003/03/04

Damn, you are actually better than I thought.

Well, then she will have to "allow" you more, I would say at least twice a week. She is going to loose you!

Reply to Jay
Posted by: JP | 2003/03/04

Yes she lets me go down on her and sometimes she enjoys it and sometimes i don't think she does. I am basically her first lover and yes i like to think i know what i am doing !! She is not my first lover and i have had some awsome relationships in the past!

Yes she does come, not always but she does. Can we make love for an hour, nope i don't think so, she likes to get it over with and if she thinks she will not come then she gives up.

Reply to JP
Posted by: Jay | 2003/03/04

Do you know what you are doing in bed? Does she come? Can you make love to her for an hour? Not an hour from arriving home, an hour from first penetration. Does she allow you some cunnilingus? (muff diving).

I have once met a girl who was like this, you know, lights off, no walking around naked, missionary position only, only late at night, no muff etc. I was her third lover, at 36! and the first two were actually husbands. She is good looking, but they were fed up with her conservative nonsense. After some alcohol, some serious foreplay and a lot of body licking etc I started working my way down. Everytime I got further, and after about four sessions I managed to muff her. She never forgot that climax, and it opened the gates for more liberated behaviour. After about six months she dropped all the above nonsense attitudes. She also realises now that her first husband wouldn't have left her if she was more relaxed and liberated.

But you have to make her enjoy it bru. Look at yourself first. If she enjoys it, she would want it more.

Reply to Jay
Posted by: JP | 2003/03/04

This goes back ever since we got together, about 8 years ago. She always said that SEX would be great once we got married (she blamed it then on moral issues). We have not had sex anywhere but the bed or couch!!?

Yip i was nieve and believed her. She sais that she is attracted to me but i donno anymore? Surely if she loved and was attracted to me she would WANT to be with me and WANT to satisfy me ?

Reply to JP
Posted by: Star | 2003/03/04

JP darling, how long had u been going out with her before u committed yourself?If she was conservative while u were goin out then u should have sorted the problem out before marryin her.And if it only started now then she has some serious hidden issues.It could beas minor as u not taking out the trash or coming home late or it can be as major as her not being attracted to u anymore or deeper.So bro do yourself a favour and find out exactly from her what is the case.Tones of luck!!!!

Reply to Star

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