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Question
Posted by: QB | 2003/02/20

Confusion

I am married to a man with two boys, staying with us. I myself is pregnant and 5 weeks to go. My husband recently went to work for a construction company and is away from home all the time. The biological mother has been giving us a hard time ever since I walked into their lives. I have fought a hard battle to ensure the boys get the best schooling and the best of everything, good home and not for them to be taken away from us. Now last week a though crossed my mind that maybe they would be better off with the biological mother. To my surprise on the phone my husband suggested the same without me saying a word. Today is my last day with them. The mom will pick them up tomorrow to stay with her permant. We will see them on the weekends when my husband comes home. I am not sure what is going on with me. I don't feel sad or anything, I fought so hard, it is maybe that I am just tired of trouble and constant fights? Am I just pushing them away? I feel relieved in a way, but in a way I feel nothing. All I can think about in some ways is how much I miss my husband. Then again I am scared that my husband will have constant contact with the ex and might go back. How do I stop this insecurity? He tells me over and over how much he loves me and we have a wonderful relationship. When people ask me how do I feel about my baby that will be born soon, I can't even answer cause I don't know how I feel anymore. I feel so numb and out of touch with myself. What is going on?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This is usually a trying time in any circumstances, this close to delivery at the end of a pregnancy ; espcially when you're having to cope on your own while your husband is away. Do you have close family and friends who can continue to provide you with the support you deserve ? Things sound as if they'd be confusing to the best and brightest of us in the best of circumstances, so it's not surprising you feel unsure of how you feel.
it's not clear from your message why both you and your husband so suddenly decided, apparently independently, to stop opposing the proposal that the two boys should go and live with his Ex. Maybe you both simply decided that you were tired of the squabbling involved in resisting her demands. But it's hard to se how her way of conducting this matter would have endeared her to him. Surely he wouldn't be having "constant" contact with the Ex, but, rather, frequent contact with his children, which will be different. And when he has his own child with you to spend time with, she really won't be in a competitive position. Maybe with this point of argument settled and some of the prior conflic avoided, the two of you will be able to settle more happily to raising your own child, and enjoying your own relationship.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pixie | 2003/02/20

Dear Confusion

I think you are being too hard on yourself. It is natural that your emotions will be in freefall with all the hormones in your body due to your pregnancy. Furthermore, it is not selfish to be thinking about the new baby and the fact that you will have to devote your full attention to it - in my view it makes sense for the children to be with their mother. Just one thought - children feel rejection so easily. Make sure that the boys do not feel rejected or replaced in your (and your husband's) affection by the new baby. Make a special effort to make them feel loved and welcome when you see them and try to include them in the excitement around the new addition to the family.

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